


Luckless

by OnyxSardonyx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-11-08
Packaged: 2017-11-18 05:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyxSardonyx/pseuds/OnyxSardonyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about the man who lost everything - more than once...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Luckless

**Author's Note:**

> The lyrics at the start of the chapter are from "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy.

_Goodbye, my almost lover_

_Goodbye, my hopeless dream_

_I'm trying not to think about you_

_Can't you just let me be?_

 

_So long, my luckless romance_

_My back is turned on you_

_Should've known you'd bring me heartache_

_Almost lovers always do_

 

 

\- 1981

Ironically, he got the news from the _Daily Prophet_.

Even years later, he would think back to that night. He had been at home, completely oblivious to the world around him. He had thought about so many things, but never, never once did it occur to him that such terrible things were happening that night, just outside his door.

And he would keep thinking, he should have been there to help his friends, to die with them or at least clean the mess behind them, the way he had always done, ever since their school days...

Remus couldn't really bring himself to believe it when he read it in the newspaper.

James and Lily were dead. Sirius had betrayed them to Voldemort, he had killed Peter and was now in Azkaban. And Harry, Lily's and James's young son, had defeated Voldemort.

Nobody had cared to owl Remus the news. He had very few friends, and by the end of the night, all of them were dead or imprisoned, which was why seeing everything in the _Prophet_ was such a shock.

At first, he didn't know what to feel. It was just too much to take in all at once. He was sitting at his breakfast table, having just eaten a bit of toast, but now he felt the urge to vomit.

All of it... everything he loved and cared for, all his life - gone in a second.

Then, his head started spinning, and he closed his eyes. Tears were running down his cheeks - tears for James and Peter, his best friends, for gentle, kind-hearted Lily and their son, who would grow up an orphan... never again would he have friends like them, good people, people who had given him, the werewolf, a chance - people who had done so much for him... and Remus remembered all those times when he had had the chance to tell them how utterly grateful he was for their friendship, for everything they'd done - he would never get a chance to thank them again, they were gone forever...

The day passed in a blur and Remus didn't do much else than cry. Some time around midday he remembered Sirius, who wasn't dead, but locked up in a cell in Azkaban; a fate, some would argue, that was worse than death.

They had, for a long time, suspected a traitor amongst their friends. James an Lily had made their plans to go into hiding secret, only one other person was supposed to know their whereabouts - and that person had been Sirius. The secret-keeper, the spy, the traitor.

And Remus couldn't help wondering if everything Sirius had told him, everything that had happened between them, had been a lie.

Sure, during the past weeks they had grown distant. They hadn't seen each other as much. James and Lily were in hiding and so was Sirius. He had only dropped by once in the last week, he had been quiet, not telling Remus much about anything. He had seemed distant and had taken his leave soon, only giving Remus a quick kiss. At the time, Remus hadn't been too suspicious. He knew Sirius was worried about James and Lily. He also knew his lover suspected him - Remus - of being the traitor. Sirius had never said anything, but Remus knew him well enough to guess what he was thinking. He hadn't been too surprised.

But now, after Lily and James were dead and Sirius had been imprisoned for their murder as well as Peter's and twelve Muggles' - now, everything was different.

Remus could have sworn at the time that Sirius was true. He would have trusted him with his life. He would never have thought that Sirius, of all people, had gone over to the dark side.

Now, it seemed that he had been wrong.

 

 

And while many, many other families, witches and wizards came out of hiding and celebrated the fall of the Dark Lord, Remus Lupin retreated even further into solitude. Only once, the day after he had gotten the news, he talked to someone.

“I'm absolutely sure Sirius was their secret-keeper”, Albus Dumbledore said. “So it must be true... I didn't want to believe it either, Remus.”

Remus wondered idly whether Dumbledore knew of the special relationship the werewolf had had with Sirius. It wouldn't surprise him; the old wizard saw things other people didn't, and sometimes seemed to be able to look straight into Remus's heart.

He listened to Dumbledore go on about how sorry he was for everything to have ended this way, and for Remus to have lost all his friends, and how he thought it was partly his fault. Remus couldn't help thinking that he would much rather have Voldemort in power, if that meant that James and Lily and Peter and Sirius, even Sirius, would still be here. Dumbledore was the only person he trusted, the only person who was even remotely close to him - but Remus would never describe the relationship they had as close. Dumbledore had been his headmaster for so long, he had given Remus a chance, he had been the first person who knew of his lycanthropy and actually treated him like a human being, not some kind of monster. Remus owed Dumbledore everything he had and had great respect for him, but it really didn't go beyond that.

He eventually left the headmaster with a forced smile and a muttered “Thank you”; after that, it was months, if not years, before he saw a human being again.

 

 

His routine was simple. He ate, slept, transformed into a wolf every full moon and spent the better part of the remaining month cleaning up the mess he would make. He didn't get a newspaper, he didn't care what was going on in the world. He didn't even try to get a job. Most of all, he tried to forget.

He went numb over the months from trying not to think about what had happened. Trying not to think about his friends, killed by the man he thought he'd loved. Trying not to think about Sirius. Especially not Sirius.

About one thing, he had made up his mind very soon. He was not going to visit Sirius in Azkaban. Remus didn't doubt that he really was the traitor and felt he didn't deserve to see his friend. He didn't want to ask Sirius why he had done it. He didn't want to break down in front of the Dementors, which he knew he would if he were to visit his former lover.

There were times when Remus hated Sirius so badly and bitterly that he felt himself wishing the Animagus would die the most horrible deaths of all. There were other times, when he would wake up from a dream where Sirius had pleaded with him, trying to tell him he was innocent, trying to make him believe. And every time Remus woke up from a dream like that, he would wish with all his heart that he _could_ believe Sirius was innocent.

Remus was positive that he wasn't, but every now and then he couldn't help but wonder; every now and then, a small, hopeful _What if_ would enter his thoughts, only to be drowned quickly by the facts.


	2. Meant To Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics at the start of the chapter are from "What About Now" by Daughtry.

_What about now?_

_What about today?_

_What if you're making me_

_All that I was meant to be?_

 

_What if our love_

_Never went away?_

_What if it's lost behind_

_Words we could never find?_

 

 

\- 1993

Dumbledore's owl had reached him sometime in the summer, and while he had been reluctant to accept at first, he was glad of the offer to teach at Hogwarts. Many things had changed. The Wolfsbane potion had been invented and Dumbledore had told him that his potions master - who happened to be none other than Severus Snape, the Marauders' school-time enemy - would brew it for him. Remus had been sceptical at first, but Dumbledore trusted Snape, so Remus quickly decided that he would too - even though they would never be friends. This made a lot of things easier. He didn't have to hide anymore, he didn't have to go to the Shrieking Shack anymore, he had the chance to teach, which was something he'd always dreamed of - and he was going to meet Harry Potter, James and Lily's son.

Incidentally, it was also the year that Sirius Black broke out of Prison. Again, Remus got the news from the Daily Prophet; and even though Remus had long gotten over everything, the news upset him. How had Sirius managed to break out? What did he want? Revenge, perhaps, or to help Voldemort gain power again?

Either way, he was glad that he was at Hogwarts, so he could help protect Harry.

 

 

He took the Hogwarts Express; he couldn't afford anything else. Finding an empty compartment right at the end of the train, he sat down, closed his eyes and leaned back, pondering the question that had haunted him ever since he had learned Sirius had escaped from Azkaban.

How had he gotten out?

Remus refused to believe that Sirius being an Animagus had anything to do with that. Because if it did, he would have to tell Dumbledore or even the Ministry; and somehow, even after all these years, that felt like betrayal.

 _Why should I care_ , he thought. _He betrayed us, he betrayed everyone_.

But deep down he knew that he couldn't give Sirius's secret away to Dumbledore.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard footsteps coming closer to his compartment. He didn't want to talk to anyone, so he leaned his head against the window and pretended to be asleep.

“Look, this one's almost empty”, he heard a girl's voice, then the compartment door slid open.

“Who d'you reckon he is?”, a boy asked quietly as they sat down.

“Professor R. J. Lupin”, the girl answered just as quietly.

“How d'you know that?”

“On his case.” The girl seemed to be quite observant, so Remus decided to keep his eyes shut, even though his curiosity was slowly getting the better of him.

“Wonder what he teaches?” The boy spoke again.

“That's obvious”, came the whispered reply from the girl. “There's only one vacancy, isn't there? Defence Against the Dark Arts.”

“Well, I hope he's up to it”, the boy answered. “He looks like one good hex could finish him off, doesn't he?”

At this point, Remus realised how he must look to them. Shabby, old, tired... not to mention probably the only adult on the train except for the conductor and the witch selling food. With a pang, he remembered who their last DADA teacher had been: Gilderoy Lockhart, who in all imaginable respects seemed to be the opposite of Remus Lupin.

“Anyway”, the boy continued, “what were you going to tell us?”

There was a brief silence, then a second boy spoke, whose voice Remus hadn't heard before; however, it seemed oddly familiar.

“Well, at the Leaky Cauldron I... overheard something. It was your parents, they were having an argument”, he said. “I don't remember exactly what they said. But it seems that when Sirius Black was still in Azkaban, they would hear him mutter all the time... 'He's in Hogwarts, he's in Hogwarts.' And for some reason, they think he means, well, me.”

There was a gasp, then the girl interjected, “For some reason? Harry -”

“I know”, the boy said, sounding slightly annoyed. Remus fought the urge to glimpse, because he was sure now: Harry Potter had found his way into Remus's compartment and was telling his friends that Sirius Black was after him.

“Also, your dad just told me, right now on the platform, that I shouldn't go looking for him. Which was kind of... strange, I mean, why should I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?”

 _He doesn't know_ , Remus thought. Harry didn't know that Sirius was responsible for his parents' death. It was probably best to keep it that way.

He listened to Harry and his friends, who discussed Sirius and whether he'd be caught soon and warned Harry to be careful; halfway through their conversation, a Sneakoscope went off (something which the other boy seemed to have bought for Harry), and Remus had to repress the urge to smile as Harry put it away with the remark that it might wake him - Remus - up. Like his mother, he was considerate to people he didn't even know.

Their conversation drifted to Hogsmeade, back to the escaped prisoner, and when the girl let out her cat, distracting the boys for a second, Remus shifted in his seat, taking a quick glance at Harry and his friends through his half-closed eyes.

Harry looked exactly like James (except for the eyes; Lily's eyes, Dumbledore had told him, even though Remus couldn't see his eyes right now). He even wore the same kind of glasses that James had worn. The girl was short, with bushy, light brown hair, and the other boy was tall and red-haired - probably a Weasley. It wouldn't surprise Remus a lot if Harry had made friends with the Weasleys.

For a second, he considered 'waking up' and talking to the teenagers, but then decided against it. He didn't even response to the girl's attempts to wake him when the food trolley went by, even though he was hungry. It was far too interesting to listen to Harry's conversations (which he might not have had if he had known that a teacher was listening); also, Harry reminded Remus far too much of James. The way he looked, moved, even spoke - the chances of Remus forgetting himself and saying something that wasn't meant for Harry's ears were too high. For now, he decided, it was best if Harry saw him only as a teacher - not as one of his late father's best friends. From the looks of it, Harry didn't even know that James and Sirius had been friends.

_If only they had survived. If only Sirius had never betrayed us. Harry could have grown up with James and Lily, he would know Sirius as his godfather and me as a friend..._

 

 

When the train suddenly stopped and the lights went out, Remus thought it was safe to open his eyes. Not that it helped much, though; it was so dark that he couldn't see anything.

He suddenly remembered what Dumbledore had said the last time he had seen him. _The Dementors will probably even search the Hogwarts Express_... it was starting to get cold.

On top of things, a number of Harry's other friends now decided to join them - at the worst possible moment. Over the squabbling and shouting, he couldn't hear what was going on. Under his breath, he conjured Bluebell Flames in his left hand, while holding his wand in his right, ready for - well, anything.

“Quiet!”, he said sharply into the murmur of the others, who fell silent immediately.

The cold crept into their compartment, the windows were fogging. “Stay where you are”, Remus advised the teenagers and slowly advanced toward the door.

But the Dementor was already there.

 _Concentrate on a happy memory_ , Remus thought. Inevitably, his thoughts jumped to Sirius - that marvellous, sunny day when they had finally shared their first kiss in their sixth year... the memory was a happy one, sure, but it made Remus want to cry. Cry for all those happy days... _Why, Sirius? Why?_

He wasn't going to produce a useful Patronus like this.

A dull _clunk_ made him look up. Harry had fainted and slipped off his seat. Remus could hear Ron and Hermione take in sharp breaths. He stood up, determined.

“None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks”, he said, sounding more sure of himself than he actually felt. “Go.”

The Dementor didn't move. _A happy memory_ , Remus thought. His eyes went to Harry, lying on the floor, his thoughts went to Lily and James. In a way, they lived on, inside Harry. Remus managed the tiniest of smiles.

“ _Expecto Patronum_ ”, he whispered, the silvery dog shot out of his wand and chased the Dementor away.

He turned and found Ron and Hermione crouching beside Harry. Remus lowered his wand, stepped back to his seat and pulled out a chunk of chocolate from his pocket.

At the same moment, the lights went back on and the train started moving again.

 

 

Dumbledore had told the staff that Remus was a werewolf, so at least from them he didn't have to hide. And his students weren't going to be disappointed by their new teacher too soon - the next full moon was nearly a month away.

Being at Hogwarts again was better than he had imagined. Even if he still had few friends, the fact that he got paid and fed worked wonders. His students seemed to like him and Snape, though he wasn't particularly friendly, stayed out of his way most of the time.

Time seemed to pass quickly, now that he was among people again, and Remus had to admit that he had missed it. He was a people person, whether his condition allowed it or not, and in all these years when he had barely seen a soul, he had grown anxious and depressive. At Hogwarts, it was easy to forget about Sirius, even if he was on the loose - but Remus was too preoccupied with preparing his classes, getting used to the way the Wolfsbane potion worked and picking up a slight friendship with Harry, to worry about Sirius.

This changed quite quickly, though, when Sirius broke into Hogwarts on Hallowe'en and practically destroyed the Fat Lady. Remus heard a lot of stories, each more unlikely than the next, as to how he had gotten in; the werewolf himself had quite a few theories. He didn't mention them to anyone, though; they all involved secret passageways that nobody knew and Sirius transforming into a dog that nobody recognised. He knew he should tell Dumbledore about Sirius being an Animagus, perhaps even about the secret passageways to Hogwarts. But admitting that Sirius, James and Peter had been Animagi would mean admitting that they had roamed around at night, a dangerous werewolf and three fifteen-year-old students in their animal form - it would mean admitting that Remus had betrayed Dumbledore's trust. It still gave him the creeps sometimes, remembering all those times where something could have gone wrong, had nearly gone wrong - thinking that he should have been more responsible...

He kept it to himself and convinced himself that Sirius had gotten in with Dark Magic, having been one of the most favoured Death Eaters - surely he didn't need his Animagus form to break into Hogwarts?

 

 

Unfortunately, he couldn't watch the first Quidditch match of the season - he would have loved to see Harry play, but it was the day after the full moon; he could hardly get himself out of bed. He heard about the match afterwards: the Dementors had come to watch, causing Harry to fall off his broom. Harry himself told Remus about it afterwards and then asked if he could teach him how to defend himself against Dementors.

Remus agreed, of course, but managed to delay the start of these private lessons until after Christmas; he had still not really gotten used to Harry, being Harry (not James), and wanted to prepare himself for spending quite a good amount of time alone with him.

Time passed, and around Christmas, the moon was full again; Remus missed the Christmas dinner and only saw Harry after the holidays. By that time, he had been training himself to see the differences between Harry and James, to see Harry as a unique individual and not just as a James look-a-like. It worked quite well, and Remus found he was quite ready for Patronus lessons with Harry. He had found out that Harry's Boggart was a Dementor (something which he admired), so it was rather easy to practice.

When he came to the History of Magic classroom that evening, Harry was already there. Remus placed the case with the Boggart on a desk and turned to Harry, who had asked what it was.

“Another Boggart”, Remus explained. “It will turn into a Dementor when it sees you, so we'll be able to practice on him.”

Harry nodded, and Remus took out his wand, indicating to Harry to do the same. “The spell I'm going to teach you is very advanced magic, Harry. It goes way beyond ordinary wizarding level. It's called the Patronus charm.”

“What does it do?”, Harry asked, and Remus guessed a hint of nervousness in his voice.

“Well, ideally, it conjures a Patronus - a guardian, which shields you from the Dementors. It's a positive force, but cannot feel pain, so the Dementors can't hurt it. I hope the spell isn't too difficult for you”, he said, frowning. “Many skilled wizards have difficulty with it.”

“I'll try”, Harry said. “How do I conjure it?”

“You have to think of something happy, a happy memory, and say: Expecto Patronum.”

“Expecto Patronum”, Harry repeated solemnly.

“You've got a happy memory?”, Remus asked.

Harry was silent for a few seconds, then looked up and nodded.

“Let's try it”, Remus said.

 

 

As expected, the first few times, Harry didn't do very well and passed out after a short time. Each time, Remus gave him some chocolate and time to recover.

“I heard my dad”, he said after another unsuccessful try. “That's the first time I've ever heard him - he tried to take on Voldemort himself, to give my mum time to run for it...”

An odd shudder passed through Remus. “You heard James?”, he asked, trying (and failing) to keep the emotions off his face. It sounded very much like something James would have done. Reckless, brave, selfless - stupid. Together, Lily and James might have had a chance to hold off Voldemort. As good as James was, alone he didn't stand a chance.

He almost missed Harry asking him a question. “Did you know my dad?”

“I - I did, as a matter of fact.” It was no good, keeping the truth from him. An old, almost forgotten pain rushed through Remus's blood; he tried to ignore it. “We were friends at school. Listen, Harry -”, he quickly changed the subject, he didn't want to discuss James - “maybe we should leave it here tonight. This charm is really, really advanced, maybe I shouldn't have put you through this...”

“No”, Harry said at once. “I need to learn how to fight them, I'm just not thinking of happy enough things - hold on -”

So they tried again, against Remus's better judgement, but this time, Harry actually managed to produce a weak Patronus, which held the Boggart-Dementor off long enough for him to stay conscious. Remus was immensely proud of him as he gave his student another bite of chocolate.

“Excellent, Harry, that was a really good start”, he said, smiling, then insisting that Harry went to his common room and rested.

On his way out, however, Harry asked a question Remus didn't anticipate.

“If you knew my dad - did you know Sirius Black as well?”

He stared at Harry for one long moment, then replied sharply, “What gives you that idea?”

“Nothing”, Harry replied quickly, “I just knew they were friends at Hogwarts, as well...”

Remus tried not to show his stress, which worked rather well. “I knew him”, he said, keeping his voice non-committal and calm. “Or - I thought I did. Good night, Harry.”

After Harry had left, Remus picked up the case with the Boggart, trying to remember why the question had shaken him so much.

Not because of Sirius - he was long over his friend's betrayal, and had, for the most part, stopped thinking of him as a friend or even lover. No, there was something else. He frowned, until he suddenly remembered.

On the Hogwarts Express, Harry hadn't known that James and Sirius had been friends. He hadn't connected the escaped mass murderer to himself or his parents at all and had been surprised when he had learned that Sirius was after him. But now, for some reason, he knew.

Remus thought that nobody in his right mind would have told Harry that Sirius Black had been his father's best friend; so this suggested that Harry had overheard someone telling it to someone else.

Remus was more than a little worried about this. How much had Harry heard, how much had he learned? Did he know that Sirius had betrayed his parents to death? Did he now, indeed, plan to go looking for the prisoner, trying to avenge his parents' death? Was he, like James, going to put all caution aside and do what he thought was right (but what was actually utterly foolish)?

 

 

A few weeks passed, and as Remus didn't see any indication of Harry doing something reckless, running off on his own or in fact any suspicious behaviour, he began to relax a little. But when, after a few Anti-Dementor lessons, the subject of Sirius Black came up again.

Harry had asked what was under a Dementor's hood, and Remus had explained about the Dementor's kiss. With a hint of bitterness in his voice, he added that it was the fate awaiting Sirius Black - he had read it in the _Daily Prophet_ the day before. For a moment, he thought about Sirius, his imprudent, reckless behaviour, his slightly judgemental and opinionated way of looking at things - but also his laughter, his cheerful way of life, his romantic side that only showed when they were alone, his passion and love for those close to him... once again, but for the first time for years, Remus found himself almost incapable of believing that a man like Sirius would have betrayed the people he loved. And once again, he felt this hopeless, almost desperate feeling that said quietly, _What if... what if he was innocent..._

“He deserves it”, Harry said suddenly into the silence. Remus looked up, astounded to hear this from Harry, who had the gentleness and kindness of his mother.

“You think so?”, he said, carefully keeping any surprise or dismay out of his voice. “Do you really think anyone deserves that?”

“Yes”, Harry answered defiantly, “for - some things...”

Once again, Remus couldn't help but wonder what Harry knew, and what he didn't tell him.

 

 

Fortunately, the next Quidditch match wasn't even close to a full moon, so Remus could watch it. Harry was an excellent flyer, though Remus wasn't quite sure who would have won if it had been James against Harry; needless to say, Harry caught the Snitch, even though some Slytherins tried to trick him by disguising as Dementors. Remus watched proudly as his student pulled out his wand and shot a Patronus at the 'Dementors' - which was corporeal, but gone so quickly that Remus didn't get a chance to see what it was. But he was immensely proud of Harry and took the chance of congratulating him personally when the team had landed.

The same night, Sirius Black broke into Hogwarts again and attacked Ron Weasley. Luckily Ron wasn't harmed, but the incident awoke the doubts in Remus again. How had Sirius gotten in? He really, really should tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus - it seemed to be getting more and more important.

But he didn't, and tried to justify it again, by thinking that Sirius probably didn't need his animal form to break into Hogwarts.

The rest of the year seemed to pass in a blur, and between classes, full moons, Quidditch, exams, and telling Harry off for going to Hogsmeade without permission (he had, somehow, come into possession of the Marauder's Map), Remus almost forgot all about Sirius - until the day that Buckbeak, Hagrid's Hippogriff, was scheduled to be executed.

 

 

Remus watched the Marauder's Map very carefully that evening. Harry, Ron and Hermione were good friends of Hagrid's; surely they would be going down to him before the execution. And sure enough, as the time was approaching nine o'clock, he saw three tiny figures, labelled “Harry Potter”, “Ronald Weasley” and “Hermione Granger” leave the castle and move towards Hagrid's.

Remus wasn't going to interfere as long as they were coming back to the castle soon, he was just keeping an eye on them in case something unexpected happened.

About twenty minutes later, he saw the three figures emerge from the hut, just as three other figures (“Albus Dumbledore”, “Walden Macnair” and “Cornelius Fudge”) approached it from the other side. For a second, Remus's eyes lingered on the dots of the headmaster, the minister and the executioner, then his gaze was drawn toward Harry, Ron and Hermione again.

Except that it wasn't just them.

Remus squinted and leaned towards the map. He had seen correctly - there was someone else with them. A tiny dot next to “Ronald Weasley” read “Peter Pettigrew”.

_But, that's impossible! Peter's dead... Sirius killed him - the map must be wrong -_

But Remus knew that the map wasn't wrong; the map was never wrong. It was telling the truth: Peter was alive, and he was with Ron.

For a split second, Remus remembered something from the Hogwarts Express - Ron had had a rat, and Hermione's cat had chased him - Ron's rat!

On the map, everything was now happening really fast - Peter had escaped from Ron, Ron went after him, and from behind the Whomping Willow, another dot approached them, fast.

This one read “Sirius Black”.

Remus stayed long enough to witness Sirius pull Ron and Peter into the passage to the Shrieking Shack; then he left his office in a hurry, not even bothering to turn the map blank.

 

 

While he ran across the grounds, into the tunnel, and along it to the Shrieking Shack, Remus thought feverishly. Peter was alive - there was no doubt about it. And Sirius must have known.

_He was after Peter. That's why he broke out of Azkaban. It wasn't Harry, it was Peter._

It still didn't really make sense.

He ran as fast as he could, confusion and hope and anger burning through his veins, and when he came into the Shrieking Shack, panting and pale, he saw Ron, lying on the bed, his leg apparently broken - Hermione, standing next to Harry - Harry himself, his wand pointed to Sirius's chest - and Sirius.

“Expelliarmus!”, Remus gasped, pointing his wand at Harry and Hermione, catching their wands. His eyes returned to Sirius, lying on the floor - beaten, broken - harmless.

“Where is he, Sirius?”, he asked, trying very hard to control his shaking voice.

Sirius raised one hand and pointed to Ron. Remus's gaze flickered to the red-haired boy, who was clutching on to his rat as if his life depended on it. His rat - Peter. _Of course._

“But then”, Remus continued quietly, looking at Sirius again, “why hasn't he shown himself before? Unless - unless he was the one...” Understanding flooded through him, as did relief - but also horror. Peter, it had been Peter all along - “...unless you switched, without telling me?”

For one unbearably long moment, there was silence, and nobody moved.

Then Sirius gave one short, shaky nod.

Remus felt warmth spread through his heart, and he ignored Harry, who was about to ask a question; right now, he wished Harry wasn't here, and neither were Ron and Hermione, that he could have a moment of peace with Sirius - just one moment...

He stuck out his hand and pulled Sirius up, into the most relieving hug he had ever given someone, and for a single, sweet moment, he felt Sirius pressed against him, his heart beating against his chest, the rough odour of imprisonment and flight - he had been wrong, and he had never been happier about admitting he was wrong, Sirius was innocent, and everything was all right -

But it wasn't, Remus realised the next moment, when he released Sirius and Hermione started screaming.

It took quite a while for her and Harry to calm down again, a process in which everyone learned that Remus was a werewolf (he had half expected that Hermione would figure it out; she was, after all, extraordinarily bright), and the teenagers apparently came to the conclusion that both Remus and Sirius were crazy.

_Maybe they're right._

They hadn't really gotten round to convincing them of the truth when suddenly, Severus Snape appeared - at the worst possible time.

He pulled Harry's Invisibility Cloak off and took the liberty of explaining how he came here.

“I've just been to your office, Lupin. You forgot to take your Potion tonight, so I took a gobletful along.”

 _Oh no_ , Remus thought, but he barely had time to finish the thought; other things, more important things, were occupying his mind. Snape had moved on to threatening him and Sirius, accusing Remus of helping his friend into the castle, and promising to bring them both to the Dementors.

“Please, Severus”, Remus said quietly, trying not to lose his nerve. “You're making a mistake - you haven't heard the whole story -”

But the Potions Master continued his gloating, and Remus saw Sirius go white when he mentioned the Dementor's Kiss.

 _So he_ is _afraid of some things_ , thought Remus, who had always thought of Sirius as the bravest person he had ever known. Sure, he had been reckless, even stupid at times - but he would have died rather than betray his friends; Remus had known this, which was why he had never wanted to believe that Sirius had been the traitor, and why he had been so ready to accept the alternative. Peter had never been very brave.

Harry, Ron and Hermione surprised Remus then, by attacking Snape and knocking him out. After that, finally, Ron handed over his rat, and together, finally, Sirius and Remus could make him transform and show himself for the man he really was.

Only then, the teenagers started to believe them.

They tied Peter and Snape up and prepared to go back to Hogwarts; as they entered the tunnel, Remus muttered, under his breath, so the children wouldn't hear: “Sirius...”

“Not now, Moony”, Sirius interrupted him, speaking just as quietly. Their eyes met for the briefest moment, and Sirius gave a short, almost unrecognisable nod.

It was all Remus was going to get from him for now, so he reckoned he would have to settle with that. But once Peter was in Azkaban and Sirius would be free - Remus allowed himself to feel a small tickle of hope, hope that not all was lost that had happened between them.

But as they emerged from below the Whomping Willow, disaster struck.

Remus had completely forgotten about the full moon and the potion that he hadn't drunk, but as soon as they were out in the open, he felt the power of the moon - taking him for his own... he was barely aware of Sirius changing into the large black dog, and Peter escaping - none of that seemed to matter much in comparison to the agony of his transformation...

...but somewhere, deep inside of him, the Wolfsbane potion he had drunk the past days had a small effect; deep down, he knew he was Remus, and that he couldn't attack anyone, that those people were his friends -

The huge black dog slammed into him, steering him away from the humans. _Sirius_ , he managed to think. His wolfish paws scratched over Sirius's fur, trying to get him closer. He hardly realised that he was hurting his friend in the process; and when he did notice the dog's blood on his paws, he let go of Sirius immediately. With what human thoughts and strength of mind was left, he forced himself to turn around and run into the Forbidden Forest as fast as he could.

 

 

When Remus regained consciousness, the night had almost passed and he had no idea whatsoever of what had happened. His last memory was Peter getting away, and himself hurting Sirius...

_Sirius. What happened to Sirius?_

He could hardly bear not knowing what was going on, but he had to wait. It was very early in the morning, he couldn't go to see Dumbledore at five a.m. - but when he came into the castle, exhausted and injured, the headmaster was already waiting for him in his office.

“Remus”, he greeted him. The werewolf just nodded, falling into a chair beside his desk.

“What happened?”, he then asked quietly, not daring to ask anything in specific - not about the children, whether they had come through the night unharmed; not about Snape; not about himself - he thought it quite probable that he was under arrest for helping Sirius; and not about Sirius - from what he knew, Sirius could be dead, or worse than dead. Had the Dementors had a chance to perform the kiss on him?

“Everything is okay, Remus”, Dumbledore said in his reassuring, trustworthy voice. “Fudge thinks that you just wanted to protect the kids, so you're not facing any charges. Nobody was harmed, though Harry, Ron and Hermione are still in the hospital wing - they will be all right soon enough. As for Sirius Black -” The headmaster paused, and Remus braced himself for the worst of news.

“He escaped.”

Remus looked up. Sirius had gotten away? How? - But that didn't matter now, Sirius was alive and well, and...

“He's still on the run, though”, he voiced his thoughts. “Peter got away...”

Dumbledore nodded. “Harry and Hermione told me the story, as did Sirius - he also told me how they became Animagi at school. Quite an achievement, don't you think?”

Remus managed a small smile - Dumbledore didn't seem to be angry with him at all for keeping it secret. _If I had told him_ , Remus suddenly thought, _then Sirius would have been captured a lot sooner - and I might never have had the chance to talk to him and know the truth... I would still believe that he was the traitor_. And he felt a lot better about not telling Dumbledore the truth.

“Headmaster”, he said - he had thought about this as much as he needed to; the way he saw it, he didn't have another choice. “I would like to resign my job as teacher. Something like last night...” He shuddered imperceptibly. “It could happen again, and innocent people could be harmed. I can't take that risk.”

Slowly, Dumbledore nodded.

“I can't say I'm too surprised”, he answered. “Take your time.”

 

 

At breakfast, Remus found that resigning had been a good idea; he only ate a little, but had to listen to Snape gloating, and when the Potions Master said that the DADA professor was a werewolf - in a loud enough voice for the students to hear - Remus thought it best to leave the Great Hall. He spent the rest of the morning packing his things and watching the Marauder's Map; it didn't surprise him when he saw Harry coming his way.

Harry arrived at his office a few seconds later, trying to persuade him to stay. Remus was touched when the student told him he'd been the best Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher he'd ever had, but didn't change his mind.

Later, when he was sitting in the carriage that would bring him away from the castle, he noticed a small dot in the sky that got bigger and bigger. He recognised it as an owl; it soared into the carriage, dropped a small letter onto the empty seat next to Remus, and looked up at him eagerly.

Remus picked up the letter at once and opened it.

 

_Moony,_

_when you read this, I'll be long gone. I'm not sure where I'll go, but far from Hogwarts, anyway, maybe even abroad._

_We didn't get a chance to say goodbye properly tonight - in fact, we didn't get a chance to do anything properly. I just wanted to say how good it was to see you again, and how relieved I was that you believed me. I wish things could have been different. I wish I didn't have to run._

_Love, Padfoot._

_PS. I would understand completely if you had moved on, after all those years, but I still think that you should know - I never stopped loving you, not for one second. You were what kept me sane in Azkaban. I hope we meet again soon._

 

 

 

\- 1995

It wasn't until winter that they got to see each other again. They had written each other infrequently, never saying enough on the parchment, never being able to really put all those feelings into words.

Sirius was living in a cave near Hogsmeade with the stolen Hippogriff, Buckbeak. Remus, who had lived his life pretty much the same way as he had before being a teacher, welcomed the chance to meet him - maybe he would even see Harry, but Sirius was, for now, a lot more important.

He was huddled in the warmest cloak he had, which was still too cold on this icy day in mid-January; on his way through the village, he bought two bottles of Butterbeer, before taking the road into the mountains.

He didn't know exactly where Sirius lived, but that wasn't necessary, because as soon as the last houses of Hogsmeade had vanished behind the hills, a large black dog joined him. Silently, but affectionately, Remus patted his head; he didn't quite know what to say, but wanted to say so much at the same time...

The dog ducked into a small entrance, and Remus squeezed into the cave after him. It was considerably warmer in here; it was wind-protected and warmed by a small fire and the massive figure of Buckbeak the Hippogriff (how Sirius had managed to get the huge animal into the cave, Remus couldn't imagine).

“I brought these”, he said, pulling out the Butterbeers, when he saw that Sirius had transformed into a man again. His friend looked hardly better than before; wistfully, Remus remembered the days before their lives had fallen apart, when they had been happy and carefree and young.

Sirius was still handsome, though, and his eyes glittered with the same determination that Remus remembered. He smiled and picked up one of the bottles.

“Thanks”, he said, his voice rough from lack of use. Remus grabbed the other bottle and opened it.

“To James and Lily”, he said, “and all those happy times we had...”

“To Harry”, Sirius added, “to the future, and to hope.”

Remus caught his glance as he took a deep gulp of Butterbeer. For a moment, they were both silent, each hoping that the other would make the first step.

Finally, Sirius cleared his throat. “Did you - did you hear what happened at Hogwarts?”

Indeed he had. “The Triwizard Tournament, I know - and Harry being the fourth champion - have you seen him?”

Sirius nodded. “I talked to him over Floo, and he's probably going to come here sometime soon. The second task is coming up, and Harry's been having all kinds of disturbing dreams, with his scar hurting and everything...”

Remus could only guess at what that meant. Probably Peter had found a way to get back to his former master, helping him to gain strength... “Damn Wormtail”, he muttered.

“If only we'd killed him”, Sirius said thoughtfully.

“No”, Remus answered quickly, “it's good that Harry stopped us. I mean, of course the world would be better off without him, but I'm not a murderer - and neither are you.”

“We should still have done _something_ ”, his friend growled.

“But we did. Well, we tried. And it would have worked - if only... if I hadn't been so stupid...”

“It's not your fault”, Sirius said, his voice suddenly very gentle. “Don't blame yourself, Moony, you couldn't have done anything.”

“I could have taken my potion. I should have waited before just mindlessly running after you...” He fell silent, thinking back to that day so many months ago. The way he had felt when he had seen Sirius's name on the Marauder's Map, along with Peter's; that uncontrolled urge to know what had happened, and to see his friend again - Peter, or Sirius, or both - he hadn't been able to think about what he was doing. If he had just thought for a moment - it had been the full moon, if he had just waited for another ten minutes, waited for Snape to bring him the potion -

“It's nothing we can change now”, Sirius said quietly. “What's past is past, Remus.” He sat down on the floor, his back against Buckbeak the Hippogriff's feathery wings. The large creature turned its head and nudged Sirius's cheek gently. For a fleeting, weird second, Remus felt almost jealous of the Hippogriff - it could just touch Sirius, without thinking of the past or the future or anything at all - but that moment passed, and with a small sigh, he sat down as well and patted Buckbeak's neck.

The silence stretched uncomfortably, but Remus didn't dare to break it. He remembered clearly the words Sirius had written in his last letter: _I never stopped loving you..._ He also remembered his reply.

_There never was anyone else for me, Padfoot._

But he couldn't make the first step. Too much had happened, too much had changed. He wasn't the same person he had been fourteen years ago, and neither was Sirius. He knew that he still loved his friend, and he knew that that would probably never change. But was the Sirius sitting next to him still the same Sirius that he had fallen in love with all those years ago?

The years in Azkaban had made him bitter and hard; very little reminded Remus of the playful, happy man he had been before. Very little seemed to have stayed the same. Very little remained of everything they had had.

But in order to decide whether it could work or not, Remus had to get to know his friend again.

“Would you like to have dinner sometime? I mean - obviously we can't go anywhere, but you could come to my place.” He managed a smile. “You know where I live.”

“You're still living in that old dump?” Sirius's laugh sounded hoarse and strained. It seemed he hadn't laughed in a long time. Remus's smile turned into a grimace.

“Well, I can't afford anything else”, he said, keeping his voice calm with an effort. “I can't get any decent job and the Ministry's aid money is barely enough to survive.”

Sirius's laugh died on his lips. “I'm sorry, Moony, old friend. After all, I'm in no place to laugh at anyone's house - and yes, I'll have dinner with you.” He smiled, and Remus, who had already forgiven him his insensitive remark, smiled back. 

For a moment, the tension in the cave built up to an almost unbearable level. They were sitting close to each other, nearly touching but not quite; their eyes met and held for the briefest moment.

Then Buckbeak gave a low snarl, Remus looked away, and the tension diffused as quickly as it had come.

“Next week sometime?” He asked, not daring to glance at Sirius again. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his friend nodding.

“I'll let you know when.”

Remus stood up and straightened his robes. He didn't really have a reason for leaving now, except that he should. He didn't want to take things too quickly. He finally managed to look into Sirius's eyes again (it didn't help much that they were still the same, striking, intelligent, beautiful grey-blue they had been years ago) and smiled.

“See you, then”, he said, a little unsure. Part of him wanted to stay just a little longer, but he knew it was right to go now.

Sirius nodded, and just was Remus was about to exit the cave, he heard his voice.

“Remus -”

He turned.

“I've missed you.”

 

 

Remus spent the next week frantically trying to restore something like order to his tiny house; it had been the full moon just a few days before he had seen Sirius, and his place was a mess. Usually he didn't care an awful lot, but as his friend was going to come over - which was, incidentally, the first time he's had a visitor in about thirteen years - it was important to him. So when Sirius actually came, his home looked tidier than it had in a long time.

“It still looks the same, though”, Sirius said when he pointed it out. “But you've never liked change.” It was a statement that caught Remus a little bit off guard - it was true, but he just wasn't used to someone knowing him that well anymore. He shrugged it off, set the table, and served the simple dinner he had made.

“This is the best I've had in ages”, Sirius said with a hint of a smile. Remus had never been much of a cook. “Not nearly as good as Lily's blueberry pancakes, though.”

“You really wouldn't want me to try and make those”, Remus answered, laughing. “I'd probably blow up the house in the process. Have you heard anything from Harry lately?”

“Not much”, Sirius said, sobering. “He's writing once or twice a week, but nothing really happens - even though he still has to be careful... did you hear that Karkaroff is in Hogwarts? He's headmaster of Durmstrang.”

Remus remembered Karkaroff - a dark, ill-tempered Death Eater with a ridiculous goatee and an even more ridiculous attitude. He had been captured after the first Wizarding War and betrayed many of his former comrades; in a way, he was as bad as Peter.

“I heard”, Remus answered slowly. “But I don't think he's a danger to Harry, or in fact anyone. He's a coward - far too obsessed with saving his own skin to do any real damage.”

“I wouldn't be so optimistic. We still don't know who put Harry's name in the Goblet of Fire, do we? It could have been Karkaroff - or Snape, in fact, after all, he's a Death Eater as well -”

“But Dumbledore trusts him”, Remus said calmly. “He wouldn't just do something like that under Dumbledore's nose. It could just have been a seventh year Slytherin who wanted to pull a nasty prank on Harry.”

“Convincing the Goblet, which is protected by the Ministry's and Dumbledore's own magic, that it should accept a fourth school? I don't think so, Remus, there's something very wrong here.”

Remus wondered briefly why they were discussing Harry again, as there was not much more that could be said. He shook his head wearily. “I don't think we'll find out anytime soon.”

After they had finished eating, they sat in the living room for a while and talked about this and that, avoiding the subject of Harry; they were also both exceptionally careful not to say anything about the past. Remus was still scared of moving too fast, of destroying this fragile friendship they had built, and he still felt that there were many things about this older Sirius he still needed to find out. Instead, they talked about the Ministry (“Did you hear that they're discussing some really nasty anti-werewolf acts now?”), the possibility of Voldemort coming back (“There have been some mysterious disappearances, have you heard about Bertha Jorkins? And Crouch seems to behave strangely - sounds just like the old days...”) and, of course, the weather. Sooner than they thought, they were running out of things to say, even though Remus could think of a million things he wanted to say...

It was Sirius's turn to leave this time, and after they had sat in silence for a few minutes, he stood up.

“Thanks for the dinner, Moony”, he said. “It was great to see you again.”

And just before he was about to go into the night and Disapparate, he gently placed his hand on Remus's cheek and left a swift, sweet kiss on the corner of his mouth.

 

 

They didn't see each other for a long time after that, and their letters mostly consisted of insignificant words, squeezed into a few lines, never saying anything - the most affectionate sentence Remus allowed himself to write was _I miss you_ , which didn't even begin to cover the emotional turmoil Sirius's kiss had left him in. He was sure that Sirius felt the same way as him, but was that enough to start a lasting relationship? Could they simply go back to where they left off? And if they did - what if Sirius had to run from the Ministry for the next twenty years, and they could only see each other a few times each year? It wouldn't be the same - that was the only thing Remus could say for sure about a possible relationship with Sirius.

They met again at the end of April; Remus, once again, visited Sirius's cave near Hogsmeade. This time, his friend didn't come out as a dog; he was feeding Buckbeak, and when Remus came in, he jumped up and hugged him.

“You should have come sooner”, he said. “It gets awfully quiet and lonely here.”

“You didn't mention you wanted me to come”, Remus said evenly, but with a smile. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, fine...” Sirius sat down on the ground and picked up one of the dead rats. The Hippogriff snatched it out of his hand and Sirius smiled up at Remus. “Sit down. I suppose you don't want any delicious dead rat?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, which was something Remus didn't really know about him. He shook his head, slightly disgusted by the sight.

“You know I'm a vegetarian.” Slowly, he sat down next to his friend, careful to keep his distance from the rats and the Hippogriff's large, sharp beak.

Sirius finished feeding the beast in silence and washed his hands in a small basin of water that sat in the corner, before turning to Remus. “You know, sometimes I think you haven't changed at all. You're still the same Remus I used to know - the same Remus I used to dream about when I was in Azkaban.”

It was the first time that Sirius had said anything about his time in Azkaban - or in fact, anything about the past at all. Remus held his gaze with a small smile.

“You're not the same Sirius I used to know, though”, he answered quietly. “Not that I would expect you to be... it's been so long...”

“Yes, it has”, Sirius said just as quietly. For a moment, they sat in silence, mere inches from each other; then Sirius took his hand.

“Some things have never changed, Moony”, he whispered. “I still love you... if I could, I would be with you every second, from now till forever.”

Remus could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He wasn't usually weepy, but the way Sirius spoke - it reminded him too much of those happier days, of the romantic Sirius, the time they had spent together...

“I love you, too”, he mumbled and blinked as tears ran down his face. With one swift gesture, he took Sirius's face in his hand and kissed him hard. All fears were forgotten, everything was forgotten but the desire to relive the happiness he had last felt fourteen years ago -

It was Sirius who pulled away, though they still remained close to each other, their fingers intertwined.

“Did you think it'd been too long?”, he said softly, his lips close to Remus's ear. “That too much had changed for us to be together?”

Sirius knew him well... unable to speak, Remus just nodded. He felt Sirius's lips against his neck, his cheek, his mouth - he closed his eyes and allowed the happiness to engulf him, taking every doubt and fearful thought away.

“Let's try it”, he whispered. “Maybe we can make it till forever.”

 

 

It didn't take long until Remus offered Sirius to move into his house.

“I will”, Sirius answered, “as soon as this Triwizard Tournament is over. Right now, I want to be where I can keep an eye on Harry.”

To be quite honest, Remus was a little apprehensive about Sirius moving in with him. Not that he wouldn't want to live with his lover, but he was slightly nervous. His house was, as Sirius had noted on his first visit, small and shabby; some of it still reflected the madness of the full moon, and they would have to share his bed (not that Remus would mind). But what worried Remus the most was that there were hardly any pictures. He never bothered to put any up - the wolf would destroy them at the full moon, and he didn't want to lose them.

Of course, Remus had pictures - some Muggle photos of his grandparents on his Muggle father's side, magical ones from his mother, showing her family when she was young; photos from when he was young, before he had been bitten; and some, which he treasured the most and only rarely looked at, from his time at Hogwarts.

His favourite was from their seventh year, a picture James had taken without Sirius or Remus knowing. It showed them in the library, and Sirius was gently ruffling Remus's hair; the werewolf looked up to him and smiled happily.

Remus hadn't looked at this particular picture in years; it had always made him want to cry. Now, everything was different and he was happier than he had been in more than a decade, so he put it in a frame on his bedside table.

And even though Sirius hadn't really moved in yet, he spent more and more time at Remus's house - so much that Remus thought he would hardly notice a difference once the Tournament had finished. He slowly started to believe in this happiness surrounding him whenever he was with Sirius; it wasn't too difficult to get used to it.

Having Sirius live with him was a lot less stressful than Remus had imagined. After all, they had lived together in Hogwarts as well, and he discovered that most of Sirius's habits had stayed the same. He didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, he absolutely loved fried eggs, he would be in the shower for half an hour - it was, all in all, nothing he couldn't live with; and having Sirius living with him was incredible. They never grew tired of each other's company, they had a vast amount of stories to tell each other, and even if they didn't talk, the silence was never uncomfortable.

Sirius, who was an exceptionally good potion maker, took it upon himself to brew the Wolfsbane Potion and also insisted on Remus using his vault in Gringotts for his daily shopping, now that he had two people and a Hippogriff to supply. At first, Remus had protested.

“But it's just lying around in there”, Sirius argued. “It's so much, and I'm never ever going to use all of it. You need to buy yourself some new robes, and a new case, and some books, whatever -”

“But I've managed before, without your gold”, Remus said stubbornly.

“Remus, we're as good as married, so what's mine is yours.”

He hadn't been able to object to that. After all, Sirius was right. If he could marry him, he would - once, and forever.


	3. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics at the start of chapter are from "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

_You have been the one_

_The one for me_

 

 

\- 1995

Chaos struck at the end of June, just as Sirius was preparing to move in with Remus completely. Remus and Sirius had been following the events over the year closely - the Triwizard Tournament, for which Harry was selected as a fourth champion; the tasks, one as horrifyingly difficult and dangerous as the next; the spiteful, shameless articles Rita Skeeter had written about Harry and his friends; and finally, the third task - the outcome of which they did not learn from the Daily Prophet.

Dumbledore sent his Patronus to Sirius as soon as he learned that Harry had vanished from the huge labyrinth, asking him to come.

“I've got a feeling”, the nervously fluttering Phoenix Patronus said with the headmaster's voice, “there's something terribly wrong here. I want you to be at Hogwarts, just in case my suspicions turn out to be true.”

Sirius set off not long after that, giving Remus a long, sweet kiss. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

After that, all Remus could do was wait.

 

 

It seemed an eternity had passed when he finally heard a dog yelp, then a light scratching on his door. He jumped up from his seat and opened the door as quickly as possible - even in his dog form, Sirius had sounded agonised.

As soon as the door closed behind him, the large black dog transformed; as soon as he had transformed, he took Remus's face in his hands.

“Remus”, he panted, as if he had just sprinted a mile, “he's back.”

Remus didn't understand at first. “What - who's...?”

“Voldemort. He's back, Harry saw him.”

Even though Remus had never been afraid to say the Dark Lord's name, the enormity of this news made him shudder; he had to sit down again. He didn't question anything, he knew that Sirius didn't lie and that Harry didn't lie, wouldn't lie about something like this.

A few seconds passed as he processed this new turn of events. Then, finally, he looked up.

“And... now?”, he asked quietly.

He meant everything; the return of Voldemort meant everything had changed. They would have to fight. They would have to gather an army strong enough to counter the Death Eaters. They would maybe have to go into hiding, again - they would, once again, live in fear and suspicion, each day receiving news of the deaths of beloved people...

Remus realised suddenly that he couldn't stand the thought of losing Sirius, not again, now that they were finally happy together.

“Now we rebuild the Order of the Phoenix”, Sirius said grimly. “Arthur Weasley is going to persuade those of the Ministry who are willing to follow Dumbledore - you see, Fudge doesn't accept the truth, and probably won't in the foreseeable future - and Dumbledore told me to contact, well, anyone who will stand with us once again.”

Silence spread again. They had lost so many in the last Wizarding War; who was still willing to fight? Would they be able to gain new members?

“Mundungus Fletcher”, Remus mumbled, counting on his fingers those he remembered, those who they would have to round up. “Arabella Figg. Elphias Doge. Dedalus Diggle. Emmeline Vance. Hestia Jones. Sturgis Podmore...”

He was running out of names and looked up at Sirius.

“We'll start with them for now”, his lover answered. “You'll have to help me, though. After all, I'm still a convicted murderer.”

“And I'm still a werewolf”, Remus began, but Sirius interrupted, “A werewolf who they have known and trusted for ages. They will trust you once again - while they might not trust me.”

 

 

It didn't take too long to contact everyone; by the end of the next week, everyone knew, and miraculously, everyone had accepted that Sirius was innocent and offered their help. The only thing they still had to do was to find a suitable building for headquarters.

Any of the family homes were out of the question - far too plottable, far too dangerous. It would have to be something where nobody lived permanently; something with a hole bunch of protective spells in place, probably a Fidelius Charm - nobody knew of any place good enough.

Until, one day, Remus had an idea.

“Sirius”, he said, “what about your old house? You know, your parents' house. They're both dead now, and so is Regulus, so it should be yours. Nobody lives in it and your dad put all kinds of protective spells on it, didn't he?”

Sirius didn't look too pleased with this idea. Remus could imagine why - Sirius had run away from home at sixteen, he had been disinherited and never set a foot into that house again. He hated his family and everything about them, and the old house would be a symbol of exactly that. Sirius wouldn't want to return there.

“It's the perfect place”, Remus added, trying to persuade him. “Nobody's living there - it's unplottable, and if Dumbledore adds his protection it will be impossible to find -”

“Someone is still living there”, Sirius growled so softly that Remus almost didn't understand him.

“Sorry?”

“Kreacher, our old house-elf. He still lives in the house. I don't - Remus, I just don't want to see that house again, or that filthy creature, or - or anything, really. Ever.”

Remus nodded - he had expected as much. “What are you going to do with it, then?”

“I don't know”, Sirius snapped fiercely. “Burn it. Sell it. Let it rot. Whatever, I don't care.”

But Remus could hear the uncertainty in his voice. He had made a good point, telling him that the house had everything they needed for headquarters. Sirius knew it was the right choice - he just didn't want to make it.

_He's always been like that. Impulsive, acting on his feelings rather than logic._

And then, Remus thought, _That's why I love him so much._

He just looked at Sirius calmly, not commenting on the subject again.

“Okay”, his lover finally said. “Okay. You're right, of course. Doesn't mean I like it, but you're right.”

 

 

Dumbledore welcomed the idea of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place as headquarters very much. As predicted, he added his own protective Charms and made himself secret-keeper; the building was now probably the most protected in Britain after Hogwarts, Gringotts and Azkaban. Sirius reluctantly agreed to move in, even though he insisted that Remus came with him. Remus took the chance to sell the house he had been living in for so many years and that carried many memories, good and bad. He sold it to a Muggle couple, which earned him a good bit of (Muggle) money, and moved into Sirius's parents' old house.

As Sirius had predicted, the old house-elf still lived there, and even if you didn't take Kreacher into account, the house was swarming with pests - living or otherwise. The worst was probably the painting of Sirius's mother, who started screaming every time someone made a noise, and was less than pleased about the new company in her home; she certainly didn't welcome the fact that her eldest son was dating a half-blood werewolf. Kreacher was no better, even though he didn't scream, but every time he was in a room together with anyone from the Order, he would mutter very audibly about how they were all filthy mudbloods, blood traitors, a shame to the noble house of Black and so on.

For a few weeks into the summer holidays, Remus and Sirius had the house to themselves most of the time. They shared Sirius's old bedroom and the days passed quickly as they cleaned the house superficially, made plans for the coming times - both personal plans and plans involving the Order -, tried to ignore Kreacher and Mrs Black, spent the full moon curled up against each other as canines, and talked.

They never seemed to run out of things to say to each other. Even now, when they had been together for months and knew most of each other's stories, there was always something they hadn't said before, something they could discuss animatedly, something they had forgotten... every second he spent with Sirius was, to Remus, perfect.

After a few days, they had their first major meeting. Dumbledore brought some teachers of his school - Minerva McGonagall, Filius Flitwick and, to Sirius's dismay, Severus Snape -, the old Order members turned up and Arthur Weasley brought a few Ministry employees he had managed to persuade to join.

In fact, one of them arrived early that day, which was quite a surprise to both Remus and Sirius.

There was a hesitant knock at the front door - someone must have told her to be quiet - and then a slender young witch entered. She had a pretty, kind face, violently purple hair and curious blue eyes. She looked somehow familiar, and at first Remus couldn't remember where he had seen her before.

Then Sirius took a few uncertain steps in her direction, and croaked, “Nymphadora?” His voice was shaking slightly, but a smile spread over his face as the witch grinned and hugged him.

“Sirius! You've changed so much - I hardly remember you -”

Then Remus suddenly recalled how he knew her: it was little Nymphie Tonks, Andromeda's daughter. The last time he had seen her, she had been about eight. Now, she was a grown woman - she seemed self-confident, cheerful, and had her own very special kind of beauty.

She and Sirius broke apart, and her eyes fixed on Remus. They went huge in surprise.

“Remus?”, she asked, going from bold to shy in an instant. Remus thought, _When she was a child, she totally adored me... or at least, that's what Sirius said_. He smiled at her and hugged her in a friendly way.

“Mad-Eye didn't tell me you were here, too”, she said. “I knew Sirius was here - how have you been? You taught in Hogwarts, didn't you?”

Remus smiled. “I've been fine, and yes, I did - last year.” He didn't say anything about why he didn't teach anymore - he couldn't remember whether Nymphadora knew that he was a werewolf. Instead, he changed the topic.

“What about you? You must have finished school a few years ago?”

“Five years ago”, she answered, proudly. “I've just finished my training as an Auror last year.”

“You're Alastor's protégée?” Remus raised his eyebrows - Moody had talked about bringing one of his former students into the Order; he had never mentioned her name, though.

“If you want to call it that.” The smile suddenly fell from her face and a small crease appeared on her forehead, making her look a lot older and more troubled. “I went to see him in St. Mungo's yesterday. He still doesn't look good...”

“I'm sure he'll make it through, Nymphadora”, Sirius said, putting a hand on her shoulder. Remus saw her frown deepen, but a hint of a smile returned to her lips.

“Nobody calls me that anymore, Sirius”, she said. “To most people, I'm just Tonks.”

Sirius laughed. “That will take some time getting used to! I've known you since you were a baby!”

Tonks's smile widened, her frown disappeared. Remus couldn't help but agree with Sirius, even though he had not expected her to be called Nymphie anymore.

“It's such a horrible name”, she replied thoughtfully, “it's so long and complicated and people forget and it's just not me. Tonks is a lot better. Only Mum calls me Nymphadora.” Remus silently disagreed; he had always thought that Nymphadora was a beautiful name - even though he had to admit that it didn't really suit the energetic young woman.

“How is she?”, Sirius asked. “I mean, both your parents, are they all right?”

A warm smile spread over Tonks's face. “They're really well. I don't see them that often, but they write at least once a week. They might come by sometime over the next days - technically, they're both still in the Order, just not very active. Mum says she's got too much other things to worry about, and she's not much of a fighter - and Dad is really, really busy working. They both believe you're innocent”, she added quickly after seeing Sirius's expression. “To be honest, I don't think Mum ever believed you weren't...”

Remus felt a rush of affection for Andromeda Tonks, the other estranged Black family member. She had probably gone though similar agony as he had; knowing someone had been sent to prison that she had trusted, someone she would have sworn would never run over to Voldemort.

They didn't have a chance to continue talking to Tonks, because at that moment, the doorbell rang; the portrait of Mrs Black began screeching, and as Sirius ran into the living room to shut her up, it was left to Remus and Tonks to welcome the arriving members of the Order of the Phoenix.

 

 

Only two weeks later, the Weasleys arrived - all of them except Charlie, who still worked in Romania, and Percy, who seemed to be a sensitive topic. The house was big enough to house all seven of them, plus Hermione, who arrived a day after them. The house was full of life, and they made considerable progress cleaning it; in the beginning of August, a guard went to escort Harry from his aunt and uncle's house to Grimmauld Place. Moody had been released from St. Mungo's a week earlier; he was part of the guard, as were Remus and Tonks. Sirius had wanted to come, of course, as had Ron and Hermione, but Dumbledore and Moody had decided unanimously that neither underage wizards nor convicts should be out to get Harry.

As everyone (except, perhaps, Moody) had expected, everything went according to plan and Harry arrived safely. He of course insisted to know what was going on, and while they couldn't tell him everything, Sirius gave him the bigger picture.

They were under strict orders from Dumbledore not to tell Harry anything about the Prophecy - the prediction Sybill Trelawny had made fourteen years ago about Harry and Voldemort, which was stored in the Ministry. The Order knew that Voldemort was after it, wanted to hear the exact words of it, so they were guarding it at night. Exactly why Harry shouldn't know about this eluded Remus, but he trusted Dumbledore's judgement, so he kept Sirius from telling his godson too much.

Harry had to attend a hearing in the Ministry for underage magic the following week, and Remus talked to Sirius about it that evening before they went to bed.

“It's ridiculous, asking him to a hearing”, Remus said. “He was defending himself against Dementors, if he hadn't, he and his cousins would be worse than dead - and he was really lucky, too, that he was able to make a Patronus...”

“He could be expelled, you know”, Sirius said thoughtfully. Remus didn't like the tone of Sirius's voice, or the direction in which this was going.

“He won't be, Sirius”, he answered resolutely. “You shouldn't even think that.”

“I know, I know”, Sirius sighed. “But I can't help thinking - I mean, we could be a family, like a proper family.”

Remus couldn't stop himself from smiling. “I don't see why we can't. I mean, you're as good as his father anyway - whether he goes back to Hogwarts or not. And he's going back, Sirius.”

Sirius gave a soft grunt.

“Are you going to tell him, though?”, Remus asked. The question had been on his mind for quite a long time now. “About us, I mean.”

“Would _you_ tell him?” Sirius's voice sounded slightly doubtful. Remus could understand what he meant - he was holding back for fear of rejection. Remus himself had done the same countless times - in his first year at Hogwarts, until his friends had figured out he was a werewolf; then again, when he had found out about and had to come to terms with his sexuality; and over and over again, every time he met new people and got closer to them.

“You're his godfather”, he answered evenly. “You're the one he considers his family. It's your decision to make -” He wanted to add something, but Sirius interrupted him.

“If he thinks I'm his family -”

“- he does -”

“- then he should think of you as family as well. What's mine is yours, remember?” He smiled slightly. “I'll tell him. Or even better - we should tell him, together. Just... wait for the proper moment.”

Once again, Remus knew exactly what he meant.

 

 

Harry got acquitted of all charges at the hearing; and even though Sirius made a reasonable good show of being happy for Harry at first, Remus noticed that he got glum and moody as the holidays came to an end.

“It's not just that”, he answered irritatedly when Remus brought it up, three days before the teenagers were to depart to Hogwarts. “Once everyone is gone, I'm practically alone. No -”, he raised his hand when Remus wanted to interrupt him, “I know you'll be here, but not always, right? You'll have to help protect the prophecy, and you'll be out and about doing other stuff for the Order, and I'm just going to sit here with nobody to talk to but Kreacher and my _mum_.” He practically spat the word out.

Remus knew he was right. Dumbledore had ordered him to stay put; Sirius hadn't left the house since they moved in two months ago. Knowing Sirius as a restless man who wanted to live his life, who had hardly gone a day at school without playing a prank on his teachers, friends or classmates, and a man who had sat in Azkaban for twelve years, Remus could hardly imagine what it must be like for him. The only thing he could really do was be with Sirius, try to make him forget about everything he was denied - but the werewolf could only do so much. And while he still knew that it would be a very, very bad idea to let Sirius out, he wished that it wouldn't have to be like that.

“I'll be here as often as I can”, he said - it was all he could say, really. With a small sigh, he took Sirius into his arms and held him close.

“I know”, Sirius muttered. “It's not your fault... I shouldn't be taking this out on you. Or anyone from the Order, they're just doing what they have to - I just - wish...”

“You don't need to explain, I understand”, Remus whispered. He breathed a kiss onto Sirius's cheek and neck and then one onto his soft lips. The Animagus closed his eyes under his lover's gentle touch and passionately kissed him back.

“How is it”, he murmured between kisses, “that everything seems to be all right when I'm with you?”

Remus pulled away for a second and smiled.

“Maybe because it is.”

 

 

At the first of September, a guard escorted the schoolchildren to Platform 9¾; Sirius didn't miss the opportunity to go out of the house for the first time in months, posing as Harry's dog. As expected, Molly Weasley and Alastor Moody weren't too happy about that. Remus preferred to avoid the confrontation between Molly and Sirius afterwards - both would expect him to take their side.

“You're the only person he listens to”, Molly had said once. “So for God's sake, _please_ tell him he's being stupid.”

They had told Molly and Arthur about their relationship a few days after they had arrived at Grimmauld Place; it was moments like these that made Remus wish they hadn't. If they just saw them as friends, they wouldn't make one responsible for the other. But overall, Remus was glad they had told the Weasley parents - they were open-minded and tolerant and didn't seem to mind at all. In the meantime, they were still working up the courage to tell the other Order members, and Harry.

“Maybe we should write him a letter”, Remus said once, but Sirius disagreed. “No, something like that - we should tell him in person. Maybe over Christmas, I'm sure he'll be here...”

Barely a week had passed when they - or rather, Sirius - received the first letter from Harry. In it, he told them (in a slightly twisted way, so outsiders wouldn't understand what he was talking about) about their new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher and how his scar had hurt when he had done detention with her; he also asked about Hagrid.

“I should talk to him”, Sirius said nervously when he had read the letter. “This is really worrying - I can't write back without some sort of code - and if his scar is hurting again...”

“Do you think it has anything to do with Umbridge?” Remus knew the name of Harry's new teacher only too well; she was one of the most anti-werewolf people in the Ministry and main contributor to the harsh laws against people like him.

“Don't think so”, Sirius said with a small frown. “She doesn't need Voldemort to be evil.”

“Well, it would certainly suit her personality”, Remus said with a rush of anger. “Hating everything that's not pureblood - she and Voldemort would get along so well -”

Sirius silenced him with a quick kiss, running his fingers through Remus's hair. “There's nothing you can do.”

Remus closed his eyes and tried to control his anger. It was unusual for him to hate anyone, even more so if he didn't even know that person, but Umbridge really made it hard for him not to hate her. Every time he had tried to get a job in the past year, her awful laws had been in his way, and from what he heard, she was trying to make them even stricter.

He forced himself to open his eyes and change the subject.

“So how are you going to contact Harry?”

He regretted the question as soon as he had asked it; Sirius was not going to use any legal method of communication and if he, Remus, knew about it, he would feel at least partly responsible.

“Floo”, Sirius answered simply. “I did it last year as well, it worked fine.”

“Just be careful”, Remus urged. “You don't know if the Ministry might be watching - and after the news on Friday -” There had been an article in the Daily Prophet, saying that the notorious mass murderer Sirius Black was probably hiding in London. The Order had a simple explanation: someone had seen Sirius when he had been with Harry on Platform 9¾ - probably Lucius Malfoy or some other Death Eater whose children went to Hogwarts. Sirius hardly had any chance of getting out of the house ever again, and the news had made him grumpier than ever.

“I will be careful, Moony.”

Remus had to leave soon after that and didn't know how Sirius's conversation with Harry turned out. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, anyway.

 

 

The next weeks passed quickly, without any word from Harry. Remus was out most of the time, doing things for the Order, so he didn't see much of Sirius either. The times he did see his lover, he seemed to be more moody and sullen than ever. Remus didn't blame him; having to stay in the house he hated, with the elf he hated, alone most of the time - but there was nothing he could do.

As September passed into October, they heard about Harry again, but not the way that they would have preferred; Mundungus Fletcher had overheard a conversation they had had in the Hog's Head. Apparently, Harry, Ron, Hermione and their friends were planning on starting a secret defensive organisation at Hogwarts. 

When the Order heard about that, their opinions were divided. Sirius, predictably, thought it was a great idea, while Molly Weasley almost broke into tears at the thought of her children breaking the rules and doing something as dangerous as this. Remus didn't really know what to think - while he thought it was really good for them to learn defensive magic just in case, he would have liked to advise them of more caution. Meeting in the Hog's Head to discuss the details of their plan had been a bad idea - if Mundungus had overheard, there was no telling who else had. And indeed, it seemed that someone must have tipped Umbridge off - when Minerva came to the next Order meeting, she told them that all teams, organisations and clubs had been disbanded.

Sirius had seized the opportunity to talk to Harry again, and this time, Remus had been there to witness him talking for a while, then suddenly pulling his head out of the fire with a horrified expression.

“They almost got me!”, he gasped. “Or rather - Umbridge almost got me - it's a good thing I noticed, otherwise I would be in Azkaban now -”

“Well, that's it then, isn't it?”, Remus said, unsettled by the news but not too badly shaken to think. “No more Floo communication for you. I'm sorry, Sirius”, he added at the dismayed look on his lover's face. “But we knew for a long time that the Floo network might be watched, didn't we? Sometimes I think the kids should learn about Talking Patronuses too...” He sighed, realising with a pang that this just meant another step to bind Sirius to where he was, to his solitude.

Sirius didn't say anything, his expression stony. Remus knew exactly what he was thinking, and put his arms around him.

“We knew something like this would happen, Padfoot”, he said soothingly. “You took that risk yourself. And even though you can't see Harry now - Christmas isn't too far away, and Dumbledore told me that I wouldn't have to do as much, so I can stay with you.”

“Great comfort”, Sirius said sullenly, but by the small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth Remus could see that his attempts at comforting his friend had succeeded.

 

 

“What do you think we should get Harry for Christmas?”

Remus looked up from the book he had been reading and smiled. “So that's a 'we' now? You haven't told him, have you?”

Sirius looked genuinely annoyed. “No, but that doesn't mean we can't give him a joined present, does it? Besides, we _were_ going to tell him around Christmas.”

“And we will”, Remus said with a grin. “What did you think about?”

“I'm not sure, that's why I'm asking you. You're the one who always got us the most creative gifts.”

Remus thought that that wasn't completely true; James had had a knack for giving extremely cool, sometimes useless, but always fun presents as well. But he shrugged the comment off, and thought about it.

“What about some books?”, he said after a while. “No, not some boring books, but interesting and useful ones. Assuming they're still doing that defence organisation, they might need some tips, won't they? And I've got...” He turned around, looked at the bookshelf that was mainly occupied with his own books rather than Sirius's, and ran his finger along the spines. “This one... and this one... and maybe this one”, he muttered, pulling them out. They were spellbooks, with a huge variety of defensive spells in them; most of them had colourful, moving illustrations of what exactly the hex or jinx was supposed to do.

“Oh, yes, Harry will find those really useful”, Sirius said enthusiastically. “I think we should buy them new, though - yours are pretty ragged, and we might need them for the Order.”

So about an hour later, Remus found himself out in the streets of London, with a purse filled with Sirius's money, on his way to _Flourish &Blotts_ in Diagon Alley. He found the spellbooks quickly; for two of them, there were more recent editions than the ones he had, with revised spells, and some that he didn't know had been added. He allowed himself to wander through the bookshelves afterwards, looking for books he could read or maybe give to someone else in the Order. He had a vague idea of what to give Sirius, but didn't know what Tonks, Kingsley or the Weasleys might like; apart from them, he wasn't close enough to anyone from the Order to give them Christmas presents.

He was just examining a copy of _Vampyres and Werewolves: The Psyche of Monsters_ and getting mildly irritated at the authors, when a familiar voice behind him said, “Hey, Remus!”

He turned around and closed the book he was holding. Tonks was walking up to him with a grin on his face; she had lost all her shyness around him within a matter of days. Today, her hair was short and strawberry blonde, which was quite a change from her usual bubblegum-pink hairstyle.

“How are you?”, she said, casting a glance on the book he was holding. “Found any good books?”

“I'm fine”, he answered with a smile and put _Vampyres and Werewolves_ back onto the shelf. “I'm afraid I haven't found anything good, this one's certainly not. One of your usual 'Werewolves are so dangerous and evil' books - I've gotten used to them by now.”

Tonks frowned, sympathy on her face. “Maybe I should stop working for the Ministry and become an author and write a book about how werewolves aren't all bad, how'd that be?”

Remus smiled warmly at Tonks's twinkling blue eyes. She always managed to make him smile, she generally seemed to have that effect on people. “That would be a lot better than this”, he answered, gesturing vaguely to the bookshelf where he'd put the book. He started to walk down the narrow lane between bookshelves, Tonks following him.

“Have you read any good fiction lately?”, she asked him. “I really need a book for work - the Ministry isn't letting the Aurors do _anything_ , we're just sitting around all the time -” Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw her stumble, and a crashing sound told him that her foot had connected with a stack of books piled on the floor. He turned quickly and only barely managed to catch her as she fell, almost dropping the books he held in the process.

“Oh dear, I'm sorry”, Tonks said as she straightened up again and looked at the crashed pile of books to her feet. “I should be more careful - if I keep running into things, they might ban me from the shop, I almost knocked over a whole bookshelf earlier...”

A sales assistant came running towards them, looking at the books and then at Tonks. “Not to worry, I'll tidy this up - it happens all the time - nothing to worry about at all...”, she mumbled as she knelt down and started piling up the books again. Tonks blushed and slowly backed away. Remus gave her a reassuring smile and carefully made his way to the counter to pay for his books, asking to have them wrapped.

“Wow, those are Christmas presents? Remus, it's _November_!” Tonks was standing behind him, now holding a copy of the novel _Augurey Cries_ by Madita S. Hemingway. He turned around and shrugged. “Well, I guess I'm the kind of person to get things like this done quickly”, he said with a small smile. He could easily imagine Tonks running up and down Diagon Alley on Christmas Eve, panicking because she didn't find any presents for her friends and family.

“I could never do that”, she replied, confirming his suspicions. “But maybe I should - just a second...” She vanished, and Remus waited patiently until she came back, a cookbook clutched in her hand: _Magical and Muggle Dishes from Around the World_. “It's for my mum, she loves cooking. Who did you get that for?” She gestured to the package Remus was holding.

“It's for Harry”, he said.

“Ooh, I suppose he'll find them useful”, Tonks grinned. Just like the other Order members, she knew of the secret group Harry and his friends had founded. “I don't suppose you know what to get Sirius? I know he likes dogs and flying motorbikes...” Her voice trailed off as they stepped outside into the cool autumn evening. Remus answered, “I don't know.”

For a few seconds, they walked in silence, then Tonks looked up at him - she was about three inches shorter than him. “You think I could interest you in a coffee? I haven't been to Florean Fortescue's in ages.”

Remus was about to accept, when he remembered Sirius, who was sitting alone in Grimmauld Place. “I'm really sorry, Tonks”, he said. “I promised Sirius I'd be back as soon as possible - you know he doesn't like to be alone.”

Tonks nodded. “Poor Sirius. In that case, I think I'll just come with you to headquarters - if you don't mind”, she added hastily, as if frightened that Remus might be annoyed or offended by her presence. Which wasn't the case, so he smiled at her. “I don't mind at all.”

“Good”, Tonks said, seeming relieved. “Because I wouldn't know what else to do - the meeting's at six, so I can't go home before, and having a coffee by myself is boring.” She smiled at Remus as they prepared to Apparate to Grimmauld Place.

 

 

Arthur Weasley was attacked while he was on duty about a week before Christmas, which made the Weasleys and Harry come back to Grimmauld Place early. As expected, Sirius was delighted with this, and did his best to make them feel at home.

Two days after they arrived, Remus and Sirius grabbed the opportunity to tell Harry about their relationship. All the Weasleys were out visiting Arthur in St Mungo's, escorted by Tonks and Kingsley, but this time, Harry hadn't felt like coming along with them, which left him alone in the house with Sirius and Remus.

“We want to tell you something”, Sirius said, and Remus added, “We've wanted to tell you for some time.”

Harry looked at them expectantly, not saying anything. Remus was grateful for that; it would have made their task so much harder if Harry had interrupted them.

“Well”, Sirius began, exchanging a quick look with Remus (who was glad that Sirius spoke; he wouldn't have known how to begin, or in fact how to say what they wanted to say at all. Spoken words had never been his strength). “Well - Remus and I, we're... together.” Remus was pretty sure that he was the only one who noticed Sirius's tiny hesitation. Anxiously, he watched Harry for his reaction.

Surprisingly, the boy burst out laughing.

“That's it? You're making such a fuss about telling me you're together?”

Remus and Sirius exchanged another look, puzzled.

“Hermione has been saying that all year”, Harry explained, grinning. “You know, pointing out that you lived in the same house - the same _room_ , even - and the looks you kept throwing at each other and how you just behaved like a married couple. She's really observant. She'll be thrilled to hear she was right - I hope you don't mind me telling her?”, he added quickly.

“No, not at all”, Remus said with a smile. He wasn't against Hermione and Ron knowing; Hermione was the brightest witch of her age anyway - it wasn't surprising that she had figured it out.

“I'm happy for you”, Harry said earnestly.

 

 

On Christmas Eve, they had an incredible five-course meal prepared by Molly Weasley and afterwards, when nobody felt like they could move anymore, she put up a magical wireless and played music - not only her favourite singer, Celestina Warbeck, but actually some songs that everyone liked and could relate to. Remus hadn't eaten too much - it had been the full moon two days before and he still felt slightly weak. Now, however, the good mood was beginning to lift him up, and the music made him want to dance - especially since Molly and Bill Weasley had already stood up, swinging each other around lazily in step with the music. On an impulse, he tugged Sirius's arm - his lover was sitting next to him.

“Want to dance?”

Sirius took a while for responding, his eyes flickering from Remus's face to Moody, Tonks, and the Weasley children, all of whom didn't know about their relationship. He gave a low sigh, patted his belly and shook his head, smiling.

“I'm too full, I couldn't even move a foot without bursting. One of the girls, maybe? They all adore you, you know”, he said with a wink. Remus grinned back and offered his hand to Ginny, who sat closest to him and after a moment's hesitation, accepted with a smile.

Ginny could actually dance pretty well; with her, Remus managed to retrieve most of his own skills, which he hadn't used in a long time - he had had dancing lessons when he was younger.

At the end of the song, he swapped partners with Bill and danced with Molly, after Sirius had once again declined with a mere look.

“Why don't you dance with Sirius?”, Molly asked with a small grin as they waltzed slowly through the hall.

“He doesn't want to”, Remus answered with a shrug. By the next song, Harry and Hermione had joined them, and Tonks was trying (and failing) to convince Moody. Remus watched out of the corner of his eye as she gave up and turned to the Weasley twins instead - nobody had any real hope of getting Ron to dance, but Fred jumped up immediately, twirling Tonks around.

For the next song, Remus danced with Hermione and watched with an amused grin as George, having been left behind by his twin, tried to get Sirius to dance; Sirius was proving to be stubborn, though, so George sank back to his seat, only to jump up quickly and grab Hermione's hand when the song changed again - which left Remus to dance with the only woman he hadn't danced with yet: Tonks.

This song was the fastest yet, and Remus had to try very hard not to step on Tonks's feet; she obviously had the same problem. He could feel her hand against his back, just a little bit closer than necessary; for some reason, he didn't even find her closeness uncomfortable. He smiled down at her - her hair was bouncing down her back in blonde ringlets today - and somehow managed to get through the dance without damaging either her or his own feet. When the song finished, he was out of breath; he thanked Tonks for the dance and fell back into his seat next to Sirius.

“Now I really feel like I've earned that dinner”, he said with a small smile. “It was excellent, Molly, thank you very much -”

“She likes you”, Sirius said so quietly that only Remus could hear him. He turned to face him, frowning. “Molly!?”

Sirius rolled his eyes at him, then looked across the table for a moment before focusing on Remus again. “Not Molly. Tonks.”

Remus had to muster all his self-control not to turn around and look at her. Sirius's gaze had said enough - she was probably watching him. The others were talking loudly again now, none of them listening to what Remus and Sirius said.

He answered calmly, “I hadn't noticed”- which was only half true. He had noticed her looks, the way she had held him when they danced, the way she blushed like a teenager whenever he said something nice about her hair or clothes... contritely, he added, “I'm really sorry for her. I mean, I like her - just not in that way. I'm in love with someone else.”

“Are you going to tell her?” Sirius's eyes were on Tonks again. He looked thoughtful.

“I don't know”, Remus said with a sigh.

 

 

After Christmas, everything went quiet again. The year passed more quickly than either of them could have imagined, and quite soon, winter had passed into spring. They didn't hear from Harry and the others for quite a long time; around spring, however, their secret defence group was found out and Dumbledore was forced to leave the school, which was now being administrated by Umbridge.

They didn't see much of Tonks, either, which Remus was glad about - he didn't quite know how to tell her that he didn't fancy her. While he was all too familiar with the other side of the equation, he had never been in this particular situation before; people usually didn't fall in love with werewolves. Except for Sirius, of course - which was something Remus still considered a real miracle. He had never considered being with anyone else but Sirius; in fact, before they had gotten together, he had thought that being with anyone at all was far too much to ask for.

But he knew that the time would come when Tonks would muster the courage to tell him of her feelings - the time when he would have to tell her that it wasn't going to work.

That day came sooner than he'd thought.

Remus was coming home after a long afternoon of Order-related work and met Tonks just outside headquarters. Her whole face lit up when she saw him, which made Remus feel slightly miserable. He hated having to disappoint her.

“Hi, Remus”, she said brightly. “How was your day?”

Remus shrugged. “It was okay. I'm glad it's almost over”, he answered non-committally.

“Me too”, Tonks said. “Work is incredibly mind-numbing...”

They were in the house now; it was so quiet that it almost made a haunted impression. Remus knew that Sirius was upstairs with Buckbeak, who had been injured the day before, and nobody else was in the house. Tonks barely avoided crashing into the troll-leg umbrella stand as they walked into the kitchen quickly.

“Tea?”, Remus asked.

“Yes, please.”

She sat down while Remus boiled some water, trying not to look at her. There would be a routine Order meeting later, but for now, Remus and Tonks were alone - it might be another half hour before the others turned up.

He sat down opposite her and took a small sip of his tea, still not looking at her. He was aware that she was watching him.

“You know, Remus”, she said after a while. Her voice was soft and shy, and when Remus looked up he saw that she was gazing intently down at her tea.

“I don't know if you've noticed... but I, er...” He could see that she was blushing while still looking down. “I think I like you. A lot”, she concluded, and finally raised her head to look at him.

Remus didn't know what to say; he had dreaded this moment for months and still hadn't thought of anything he could say... “Er... I noticed”, he said feebly. It sounded horribly shallow, but he was at a loss for words.

She managed a small smile, and held his eyes for a moment before looking away. She seemed to be bracing herself for something, and before he could even wonder what else she might say, she blurted out, “D'you think we could be more than friends?”

Her startlingly blue eyes were fixed on his now, and he looked away, taken aback by her directness.

At this moment, he heard a door open upstairs, and Sirius called, “Remus?”

With a look, he excused himself from Tonks and hurried to Buckbeak's room, where Sirius was tending to the Hippogriff's wound. Remus had seen many injuries in his life, most of them on his own body, and had quite a lot of experience in healing them, but right now, he couldn't concentrate.

“Tonks just asked me whether we could be, you know - 'more than friends'”, he informed Sirius, working hard to keep his voice neutral.

To his surprise, Sirius grinned broadly. “Did she! So, what did you answer?”

“I didn't”, Remus said, giving Sirius a frown. “You called me a second afterwards.”

“Bad timing, huh?” Sirius leaned forwards, stealing a kiss from Remus.

“I don't know what to tell her”, Remus said when they broke apart.

“Easy”, Sirius said with an almost arrogant smile. “You've got someone else.”

Remus repressed a sigh. Sirius had been in his situation too many times to keep track; he still remembered the whispers and looks whenever they had passed a group of girls in their last few years at Hogwarts. Needless to say, Sirius had left a trail of broken hearts behind - and for the most part, he didn't even really care about the girls who adored him.

“I don't want to hurt her”, Remus said uncomfortably.

“Moony, you can't live your life trying not to hurt anyone at all”, Sirius said wisely. “She can deal with it. She's been through worse.” He could tell that his lover was about to say something else, when suddenly a white swish twirled around them, resting in front of Sirius. It was a doe - Severus Snape's Patronus.

“Potter had a vision”, it said without greeting or introduction in Snape's cool voice. “He saw Black at the Department of Mysteries, being tortured by the Dark Lord. I just need to know whether Black is at headquarters.”

The doe vanished, leaving little light in the room and a shocked look on both men's faces.

“Harry had what?”

Under his breath, Remus conjured his own Patronus.

_Severus, Sirius is safe and well at headquarters. Thanks for informing us._

The silver animal jumped away, and when it had gone, Remus noticed a small smile on Sirius's face.

“It's still a dog”, he said.

Remus smiled back, despite the gravity of the situation. “It always was”, he said gently. “And it always will be.”

 

 

They went downstairs to join Tonks, Moody and Kingsley Shacklebolt, who had arrived while Remus had been with Sirius. All three of them looked at them with alarmed faces.

“What's going on?”, Moody asked. “We saw Patronuses -”

“Apparently, Harry had a vision of Sirius being tortured by Voldemort”, Remus recounted what Snape's Patronus had said. “Severus just wanted to make sure that Sirius is here, and not in the Department of Mysteries -”

“Voldemort is trying to lure Harry”, Kingsley said in his deep voice. He was frowning, as was Moody. 

“I just hope Harry doesn't fall for it”, Tonks said. “Wasn't he supposed to learn Occlumency a long time ago?”

“Snape stopped teaching him”, Remus said gloomily. “All we can hope for now is that he finds Harry and tells him that Sirius is here...”

They spent some time discussing possible outcomes of this until another swish of light came into the hall, and once again, the doe circled them.

“Potter and Granger have taken Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest”, Snape's voice said through it. “They haven't returned yet. I will go and look for him - in the meantime, I would suggest that you go to the Ministry, just in case Potter has indeed run there...” The doe tilted its head, and Remus could almost hear Snape sneer as it spoke on. “Black should stay in, though - Dumbledore should be with you shortly and you need someone to tell him what's happened...”

The doe vanished. For a second, nobody spoke. Then Sirius raised his voice.

“No way”, he said acidly. “I'm not going to stay here while my godson and my friends are putting themselves in danger... _Kreacher_!”

There was a crack, and the old elf appeared.

“Master called?”, he said in a falsely sweet voice. “Kreacher will do whatever Master asks him to do - even though he is a filthy blood traitor, standing there with his mudblood and blood traitor friends -”

Remus could see how much effort it cost Sirius to remain calm and not shout at the elf again.

“You're to stay here, and once Dumbledore comes, tell him that Mad-Eye, Kingsley, Tonks, Remus and me have gone to the Department of Mysteries to help Harry Potter, who had a vision - do you understand?”

“Kreacher has to tell Dumbledore that Order members are in the Ministry to help the blood traitor Harry Potter, who had a vision”, Kreacher repeated. Remus put a restraining hand on Sirius's arm, as he could tell that his lover was about to hit Kreacher.

“We don't have time to lose”, he said. “Let's go.”

 

 

They Apparated straight into the Department of Mysteries. They didn't have to look for the teenagers for a long time; even before they saw them, they could hear clashing, banging and the obvious sounds of fighting.

“They're here”, Tonks said, pointing to a door next to them. “Remus, Sirius - I think there's another way into this room, if you go that way -”

They sped off, leaving Tonks, Moody and Kingsley alone.

Before bursting through the door that would take them to the fight, Sirius grabbed Remus's hand.

“Anything could happen”, he said. “I love you.”

Remus squeezed his hand. “I love you too. It will be fine.” They kissed quickly but passionately, and then finally joined the fight.

Remus could hardly keep track of what was happening - from the looks of it, Harry and Neville were the only ones of the teenagers still capable of fighting; Harry was clutching the Prophecy - Tonks was duelling Bellatrix, Remus fought Lucius Malfoy, then Rookwood - he could see Sirius duelling with Dolohov and Kingsley throwing jinxes at Macnair -

“Harry”, he shouted as soon as he got close enough to the student, “round up the others and go!”

They could take it from here, even though they were outnumbered - Remus counted eight Death Eaters, there were probably more -

He didn't have time to watch Harry half carry Neville away, but heard Neville's outcry when Dumbledore entered the room. With ease, the headmaster defeated most Death Eaters; Remus could finally relax and looked around.

The first thing he saw was Tonks, lying unconscious on the floor.

 _God, no..._ He wanted her to be alive - she was so young, she still had all her life before her -

Moody was injured too, but clearly alive. Kingsley seemed to be okay, and Sirius -

Sirius was fighting Bellatrix in what seemed to be a complicated choreography; the way they shot curses at each other, dodged them, circled around each other - 

Until one of the green jets of light coming from Bellatrix's wand hit Sirius in the chest.

_NO!!!!_

He seemed unable to move for several moments, watching his lover's body fall through the veil, which fluttered slightly and then fell back into place as if nothing had happened...

Something inside his chest seemed to be tearing itself apart, but at the same time, he was just standing there, unable to comprehend what had just happened -

“SIRIUS!”

Harry's yell brought him back to life. He was running towards the veil - Without actually realising what he was doing, Remus grabbed Harry's arm, holding him back.

“There's nothing you can do”, he heard himself say, “It's too late...”

He knew, somehow, that it was true, that it was over, their forever had ended now...

Harry was struggling against him, struggling to get to the veil, struggling to save Sirius... _I should go after him..._

“There's nothing you can do”, he said again, in this strange, distant voice that he didn't seem to have any control over. “He's gone.”

Slowly, he felt the reality of what had just happened sink in. He was holding Harry back, preventing him from doing something he himself was very, very close to doing...

_He needs me. They all need me. I can't go after him..._

“SIRIUS!”, Harry screamed again, as if he expected Sirius to walk out of the veil again as if they had just been playing hide-and-seek - but Remus knew about the veil, the chamber of death - death -

“He can't come back, Harry” he said, his voice breaking.

Slowly, Harry stopped struggling. Remus turned away from the archway. He felt numb, sick, and if it hadn't been for Harry and the others, he would have broken down. But he was the adult - one of the only three who were still standing - he had a responsibility, and he couldn't neglect it just because...

_Just because the love of my life has just been killed._

Harry seemed to be taking it even worse; Sirius had been his godfather, his friend, and the only thing close to a parent that he had ever known - even though he had only known him for two years... 

For a second, their eyes met, and it seemed Harry understood that he wasn't the only one who was suffering a horrible loss; their eyes met, and Remus thought he saw a flash of sympathy in Harry's green eyes.

“Where are the others, Neville?”, Remus forced himself to ask, looking away from Harry, though still holding him loosely.

He tried hard to concentrate on what Neville was saying, but didn't really hear anything, until a loud bang focused his attention again.

Kingsley, who had fought Bellatrix after Sirius, was falling back; the Death Eater laughed shrilly and ran up the stairs. Before Remus knew what was happening, Harry had broken free of his grip and charged after her.

“Harry - no!”

“SHE KILLED SIRIUS!”, the boy bellowed. “I'LL KILL HER!”

There was nothing Remus could do now, he could only watch as Harry followed Bellatrix out of the huge room, out of the Department of Mysteries - he saw Dumbledore run after Harry - Harry would be fine -

With an effort, he turned to Neville again.

“Let's find the others.”


	4. Walk on Stormy Seas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics at the start of the chapter from 'You raise me up' by West Life.

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains_

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas_

_I am strong when I am on your shoulders_

_You raise me up, to more than I can be_

 

 

Remus had never fully understood the concept of death. Every time someone close to him died - his parents, friends from the Order, Lily, James - the news had left him shaken, unwilling to believe, unable to accept. It seemed so unlikely that someone would leave the world forever. He would think about the friend who had died, about James's laughter and his sparkling hazel eyes and the way he would play with a stolen snitch and smirk at Snape arrogantly; the way Lily snapped at James whenever he did that, Lily's kindness and love for those around her, the way she could make everyone feel worthy and good...

And Remus simply couldn't comprehend how this soul, this spirit, could just have left without leaving a single trace behind.

When Sirius died, it was even harder.

There was no funeral; from what Remus heard, Dumbledore had a difficult time convincing the Ministry that Sirius was indeed innocent and dead. Remus had to move out of Grimmauld Place on a very short notice because the Order didn't know who the house belonged to now; Dumbledore's brother Aberforth let him stay in one of the rooms in the Hog's Head for a small rent until he had found a different place to live in.

Remus accepted all of these changes without really noticing them; two days after Sirius's death, Dumbledore came to visit him.

Apparently, it was very important to him, because Remus knew that he and Aberforth weren't on the best terms; they usually avoided each other. Dumbledore tended to have better things to do, too, than coming to offer a werewolf his condolences.

“I'm really, truly sorry for your loss, Remus”, the headmaster said once they had sat down for some tea. “I realise what Sirius must have meant to you... you were a little more than friends, weren't you?”

Remus just nodded. _More than friends_... something stirred in his memory, something that seemed to matter.

“How - how are the others? Harry - Tonks and Kingsley and the others...”

After Sirius had fallen through the veil, Remus had hardly noticed anything about his surroundings; he had helped to find the other students, and once they had gone back to Hogwarts, he had somehow managed to Apparate the injured Order members to St. Mungo's; he knew they were alive, but hadn't heard anything about them yet. He hadn't really cared. He had tried to forget, because every thought in any direction inevitably lead to Sirius.

But now, as he thought back, Tonks's face appeared in his mind, and he knew he was worried about her - she had suffered the worst...

“Nymphadora is still at St. Mungo's”, Dumbledore answered, apparently responding to Remus's thoughts rather than words. “The healers are confident that she will make a full recovery - in fact, she is scheduled to leave the hospital in a few days. Everyone else is perfectly all right... even though I fear it will take time for Harry...”

He didn't finish his sentence, for which Remus was grateful. He nodded quietly, his eyes fixed on the ground. “I can imagine”, he said softly.

Dumbledore was silent for a few seconds, leaving Remus to deal with his thoughts. Then he cleared his throat, and said, “I'm afraid you can't afford to lock yourself out of the world this time, Remus.”

He looked up, startled. “I'm not - I wasn't going to -” Yet at the same time he knew it was a lie. He had, once again, lost everything; if nobody stopped him, he would - once again - hide from the world.

Apparently, Dumbledore was here to stop him.

“The Order needs you, Remus”, he said gently, disregarding Remus's words. “ _I_ need you. I've got a task for you - one that nobody else can do, a very important task...”

Remus worked hard to hold Dumbledore's gaze, his eyes burning. He thought he might know what would come next.

“...werewolves”, the headmaster finished his sentence, confirming Remus's suspicions. “There are many on Voldemort's side, but if we can win them over - people like you are of great value to the Order.”

For a moment, Remus felt like interrupting. _What value would that be? What have I ever done for the Order that Tonks or Kingsley couldn't have done?_ He swallowed his bitterness. If Dumbledore thought him useful, then surely he was.

_Or maybe_ , he thought cynically, _he's just arranging occupational therapy for me._

“It would mean a lot”, Dumbledore added.

Remus forced himself to look him in the eyes again. “Of course”, he said, keeping his voice calm. “I'm the best person for the job... of course I will.”

It made sense, and in a way, Remus was almost glad that he had a duty to perform, a task that would take his mind off things. Because what he didn't want - the thing he wanted to do least of all - was to think.

 

 

He soon managed to locate a small village of werewolves - if it could even be called a village. It was an arrangement of broken and cold houses, unplottable in the midst of a forest, and there were about twenty werewolves living there. Remus wouldn't have to pay rent; in fact, this village was so far away from any kind of society that money was practically non-existent. Many of the inhabitants had never had dealings with any non-werewolf people; they grew and hunted and stole their food, exchanging and trading with each other, but very rarely with anyone else. Most of them were wizards; there were some Muggles, but it didn't really matter what they were - they were werewolves, all of them.

Remus knew that werewolves in general supported Voldemort. He offered them benefits, as free a life as a werewolf could lead, and a free pick amongst the humans; the very thought of the things Voldemort promised were repulsive to Remus. But he also knew that it wasn't the only thing that drove the werewolves to support Voldemort.

Fenrir Greyback, the notorious werewolf and killer, was all behind it, and even those he couldn't hurt anymore - his kin, werewolves - were afraid of him. Greyback was the only one Remus knew who actually behaved like a proper monster, who selectively hunted children, who wanted to build an army of werewolves, who was savage, mindless and cruel.

Remus felt nothing but contempt for him.

But even though he knew what he had to do, there was one thing left that he needed to do first.

 

 

She was sitting in a chair next to her bed in St. Mungo's. She looked better, though still very pale; a smile spread over her face when she saw Remus come in, and she folded up the _Daily Prophet_ she had been reading and stood up.

“It's good to see you, Remus”, she said as he hugged her carefully.

“How are you?” He managed to work up a smile, even though he felt it wasn't really genuine; it would be a while before he was able to smile again.

“Better”, she said, taking a few steps and gingerly sitting down on the bed. Remus noticed that she moved slowly, as if she was still in pain, but when she turned to face him again, her smile hadn't faded. “The Healers say I can leave soon - the day after tomorrow, hopefully.”

“That's great”, Remus said without much enthusiasm. He sat down on the chair that Tonks had been sitting on before and glanced at the _Prophet_ , whose headlines were ablaze with terror and sensation. _YOU-KNOW-WHO RETURNS_ ... _HARRY POTTER: THE CHOSEN ONE?_ ... _ALBUS DUMBLEDORE RESTORED AS HEAD OF WIZENGAMOT_ ... _TIPS FOR DEFENDING YOUR FAMILY AGAINST BLACK MAGIC_...

Tonks seemed to have noticed his absence of mind.

“I'm so, so sorry about Sirius”, she said quietly. When Remus looked at her, she was no longer smiling, but looked sad. Remus couldn't remember ever seeing her sad before.

“I heard what happened... I wish - I wish I'd fought better... if, if Bellatrix -”

“No”, Remus said gently. “It's not your fault, don't you start blaming yourself as well... Dumbledore is blaming himself and Harry is and I am and it's just... it doesn't change anything.”

He looked away from her again, and a different, smaller headline in the _Daily Prophet_ caught his eye.

_ Sirius Black dead _

He felt a sharp pain in his stomach at those careless, unfeeling words. They somehow seemed to make everything more real... _he's really dead._

He didn't realise his hand was shaking as he reached for the paper to read the small article; he didn't notice Tonks watching him intently, a small, worrying crease between her eyes.

 

_Sirius Black, escapee from Azkaban, has been confirmed to be dead. Eyewitnesses report he was killed by his cousin and Death Eater, Bellatrix Lestrange. While many Death Eaters could be secured and arrested, Lestrange escaped. Black's body was not found._

_New evidence provided by the recently reinstated head of the Wizengamot and headmaster of Hogwarts School, Albus Dumbledore, suggests that Black may have been innocent of the charges that got him into Azkaban fifteen years ago._

 

There were a number of sentences underneath, but Remus couldn't read on; his sight was blurred by tears. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and noticed another hand, gently taking the newspaper from him and folding it again, so the article about Sirius couldn't be seen. He raised his hand and wiped away the tears.

_We could have had the life we wanted... we could have had our forever..._

If only Sirius had never come to the Ministry, if only he had stayed at home, just like Snape had told him to...

“Remus”, a voice said softly. The hand on his shoulder gave him a small squeeze. He couldn't bring himself to look at Tonks; instead he buried his face in his hands.

“I know what he must have meant to you...”

Her arm was around his shoulder now, and it took him a few seconds to realise what she had said. He raised his head; she was so close - too close...

“You don't”, he said, unable to keep his voice from shaking. With one swift movement, he moved away from her - he couldn't bear her closeness, her comfort, he couldn't have her so near, knowing that she might actually be in love with him -

“You don't know what he was for me”, he repeated with a sigh. She had to know, he would have to tell her anyway, sooner or later...

She looked at him. She didn't understand.

“He wasn't just my friend. He was more - so much more than that...”

Comprehension dawned on Tonks's face. At the same time, she went even paler than she had been before; even her pink hair seemed to lose some of its colour. She looked away from him, saying nothing.

A small wave of guilt flooded through Remus. She didn't deserve to be hurt, she didn't deserve to suffer even more than she already did... but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help her.

“I'm sorry”, he whispered. He hadn't meant for everything to go this far, he hadn't meant to break down in front of her, he hadn't meant to tell her about his relationship with Sirius like this...

“I should go.”

He stood up; just before he left the room, he looked back at her once more.

Her eyes were on his face, but they seemed empty. A hollow smile found its way onto her lips.

“Thanks for coming, Remus”, she said. “It means... a lot.”

_What have I done,_ he thought.

 

 

He spent a few days mentally getting ready for his journey, the new circumstances and challenges he would have to face, and the prospect of living with other werewolves for the first time in his life. From what he had heard, he knew that he would be an outcast even then; a werewolf who had tried to live a normal life - which was something that most werewolves didn't even attempt.

He stayed in contact with most people from the Order. Temporary headquarters had been set up at the Burrow; they tried to keep meetings at a minimum so they didn't endanger the Weasleys, and to communicate, they mainly used speaking Patronuses.

Two days before he was going to leave, Dumbledore visited him again, with the news that Sirius's will had been found and declared legitimate.

“He left about half of his gold to you, and a few personal things.” Dumbledore opened his bag, pulled out a slim folder and handed it to Remus. Remus took it with trembling hands, but didn't open it. He had a pretty good idea of what might be inside and he wasn't going to look at it when Dumbledore was here... the headmaster handed him a small, framed picture of the Marauders, which had been taken just after they had left school, and a few books.

“Everything else goes to Harry.”

Remus nodded. “Thanks”, he said hoarsely, trying to hold back tears.

Dumbledore had, it turned out, already spoken to Harry; Grimmauld Place seemed to be safe. Remus decided to postpone his journey by another week or so, so he could come to Harry's birthday party, and leave the things he didn't need in Sirius's old house.

Going back to Grimmauld Place was harder than he had thought. He made his stay as brief and quiet as possible, not being able to face the screeching portrait of Mrs Black. He simply left his belongings in the kitchen; he didn't even go up into Sirius's room.

Harry's birthday party was a little less enjoyable than it could have been, which was mainly due to the fact that in a quiet moment, Molly snuck up to him.

“Tonks told me what happened”, she began, her voice only a little bit reproachful. They were in the kitchen; everyone else was enjoying cake in the garden.

Remus sighed. He didn't really want to talk about it. But he looked at Molly and said quietly, “And?”

“And? Remus, you should have seen her, she's completely devastated - I mean, I'm not blaming you or anything -” She was, though. Remus could hear it in her voice, which grew shriller with every word.

“- all I'm saying is, you could've picked a better time to tell her.”

“I know”, Remus said heavily. “I didn't want - I never meant to hurt her -”

“You know her Patronus has changed, don't you?”

He stared at her, startled. “It has?” So it was that serious... he remembered Tonks's Patronus, as it had been before: a pony, silver as a unicorn, but much more lively and much less graceful.

Remus knew that Patronuses only changed when something life-changing happened.

“What form does it take now?”, he asked Molly - even though he thought he already knew the answer; even though he was afraid of it.

“It's you, of course.”

He covered his face in his hands; suddenly he felt like crying again. “Oh, no...”, he sighed. He never meant to hurt her; it seemed now that he didn't have a choice.

“You don't think -”, Molly said gently, “that maybe... one day... I mean, you like her too, don't you?”

“Not in that way”, Remus answered. “I don't think I could - and even if I did...” He shuddered. “I'm a werewolf. No matter what she sees in me - that will never change. I could never be with her. I'm far too dangerous...”

“You didn't think you were too dangerous for Sirius”, Molly said. He could sense the hint of acid in her voice.

“Sirius was different. Sirius... he could defend himself, he was an Animagus, he was just as strong as me. And he had nothing to lose... but Tonks - she's so young... unharmed... she should stay that way.”

He could see that Molly wanted to say something, and raised his hand. “I'll talk to her.”

_Even though I don't see how I can make things right again..._

 

 

She looked even worse than at the hospital. She was pale, her brown hair hung loosely down to her shoulders, and she looked like she didn't even care about what she looked like anymore. But a weak smile formed on her lips and her eyes lit up for a moment when she saw Remus; wordlessly, she gestured for him to come in.

Remus had never been inside her flat before. It was tiny, messy, but comfortable. He sat down on the sofa, not sure what to say. His eyes flickered to hers nervously, then to the floor, to his shoes, back to her eyes - back to the floor. On the way here he had thought about things he could say to her. Now it seemed that his mind had been wiped blank. He was shocked at how incredibly... affected she was by his rejection. He would never have dreamed that her Metamorphing abilities would suffer. Or indeed, that her Patronus would change.

It should never have come this far.

After about a minute of uncomfortable silence, Tonks finally spoke.

“I... I sort of guessed, you know”, she said. Her voice was hoarse, fragile, as if she had spent too much time crying.

“After seeing your Patronus that night - I knew it was yours, not Sirius's...” Her voice broke; she had turned away from him, so he couldn't see if she was crying. She seemed to fight for control.

“I'm so sorry”, he said finally. It seemed like the only thing he could say, and it didn't seem to be enough - “I shouldn't have come to see you that day...”

“You really could have picked a better time to tell me”, she agreed with a shaky laugh and sniffed, before finally turning around to look at him again. He could see the tears on her cheeks; she was no longer trying to conceal it.

“The funny thing is”, she said, “it only made me love you more... that you came to visit me - after your friend - boyfriend - was killed...” She sobbed uncontrollably now; without even thinking about what he was doing, Remus got up, put an arm around her shoulders and guided her to the sofa. She buried her face in his shoulder, and he could hardly do anything but pat her gently on the back.

He had been there - been in Tonks's place. He knew how she was feeling. He knew that nothing helped - nothing could ease the pain but time.

At the same time, he wondered whether there was some truth in what Molly had said. He had never considered being together with Tonks - mostly because of Sirius, but also because he had already known her when she had been a small child. She was so young - she had to be at least twelve years younger than him.

“I'm sorry”, she mumbled, straightening up and mopping her eyes.

“Don't be”, he said. “I know what it's like... I'm the one who should be apologising.”

She looked at him, her eyes now red and puffy. “I don't think I can fall out of love with you... I'll just - have to live with it...”

“I'm so sorry, Tonks”, he said sadly. “There's nothing I can do.”

He didn't see her for a long time after that.

 

 

He arrived at the village with only a small backpack, and moved into a small house at the very end of the thin street that wound its way through the ruins. He would have to share; his housemate was a younger, bitter werewolf who hardly ever seemed to smile. He only gave his name as Martyn, not wanting to reveal anything about himself, and locked himself into his room shortly after Remus arrived. Remus doubted that Martyn would ever really warm up to him; werewolves, as a rule, didn't trust other people, and Remus was an outcast, even here.

The other people in the village seemed to be just as withdrawn and suspicious. They didn't know him, but it was obvious that he had lived amongst normal humans for far too long; he would have to work hard to gain their trust, and to get them to tell him anything.

He spent his first evening alone in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich from the few supplies that he had brought with him. It would be a while until he got used to the strange way the economy of this village worked, if you could call it economy at all; at best, people were dealers, at worst, thieves or even murderers.

He sat down and took a bite of his sandwich, which tasted stale. His appetite still hadn't returned - he had had to force himself to eat ever since Sirius died.

A loud _bang_ made him look up. Martyn stood in the kitchen, looking at him reproachfully.

“Would you like some?”, Remus said evenly, offering him half of his sandwich.

Martyn didn't move. His dark eyes were fixed on Remus's face.

“What's your name?”, he demanded sharply, without even acknowledging Remus's question.

“John”, Remus told him calmly. He had decided to go by his second name while he stayed here; both Remus and Lupin were far too rare names, and thanks to Wormtail, every Death Eater would recognise him by his real name.

“Why are you here?”, Martyn snapped back. He still hadn't moved an inch; his face was a mask of suspicion and anger.

“I came here because I've got nowhere else to go”, Remus said quietly. He took another bite of his sandwich, breaking eye contact with Martyn. He wasn't going to let his housemate intimidate him.

After a long, uncomfortable silence that seemed to stretch on forever, Martyn finally approached him and sat down at the table opposite Remus.

“If you've lived with humans for so long, why did you come here now?”

His voice was calmer now, but still full of disbelief. Remus put down his sandwich, leaned back and folded his arms, before starting his short, but carefully woven tale.

“I was bitten when I was a teenager”, he said. “I was going to be in my third year in Hogwarts - I had friends, a life, a future - and then one night in the summer holidays, I went out with my mum to get some magical herbs - she was a potion-maker, you see - and we were attacked. Mum didn't survive...” He paused for a moment and frowned, as if it hurt him to remember. “Of course, I didn't go back to Hogwarts. I didn't answer letters from my friends, and after a while, they stopped writing. They just forgot me.” He sighed. “My dad was there for me, though. He was the only one I ever trusted after I'd been bitten. He didn't love me any less, he was such a... such a good man...” This part was true. It was true for both Remus's parents, and his voice shook with suppressed emotion. He closed his eyes for a second, then went on.

“I could live like that for years. He taught me everything he could teach me. And then - he died. Last month.”

His thoughts went to Sirius for a second. _He took care of me..._

“I tried to get a job”, he continued softly, shaking his head as if to chase away the memories. “It was impossible... you probably know the laws... in the end I gave up. I realised that I didn't have a chance. The only place where I can live is here.”

He looked up, into Martyn's eyes, which were now expressionless. Remus took this as a good sign - at least he wasn't frowning at him anymore.

“So what is your story?”, he asked lightly.

Martyn was silent for a few seconds; apparently he wasn't used to talking for a long time. When he spoke, his voice was no longer harsh, but just as expressionless as his face.

“I was bitten as a small child. My parents were scared. They threw me out. I came here.” He raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically added, “The end.”

Remus tried unsuccessfully to keep the shock from his face. It seemed incomprehensible to him how parents could to that to their child... werewolf or not.

“You've been here since you were a child?”, he asked hoarsely.

“Yes”, Martyn said calmly. “Just like many of the others - in fact, almost everyone who was bitten by Greyback...” He paused, then looked at Remus with newfound suspicion, as if a thought had just occurred to him. “Do you know who bit you?”

Remus did. But he shook his head. “I have no idea.” After a tiny moment of hesitation, he added, “I don't really want to know.”

“Why not?”

He looked at Martyn for a second, thoughtful. “I've got him to thank for everything that happened, everything I am. Without him, I would have a normal life... it would be be hard for me to know who did this to me... and not go after him.”

He was well practised at lying, yet he felt tense until Martyn nodded. He could hear Sirius's voice, saying: _Ah, Moony... you couldn't hurt a fly. You don't even know how to spell vengeance, who do you think you're kidding?_ But Martyn didn't know him, would never know him as well as Sirius had. And it seemed that the other werewolf accepted his explanation.

Without saying another word, Martyn got up and left. Remus had the strange feeling that he had just made a friend; as close a friend as werewolves could have.

 

 

A few days after that, he woke up to find an owl sitting on his bedside table. He recognised her immediately; it was Avia, Tonks's owl. He realised he had forgotten to tell her not to write to him - it could well be that someone from the village had seen the owl. It would make everything much harder if they thought he communicated with someone from the outside world.

Quickly, he took the small scroll from Avia's leg and unravelled it.

The letter was short and didn't really say much. He could feel Tonks's heartache in every word, and it hurt to read it. She finished her letter with the words _I miss you_ ; Remus couldn't help thinking about his own letter to Sirius, more than a year ago... he took a bit of parchment and wrote his response, but didn't send it off at once, just in case someone had noticed the owl.

And sure enough, when he came into the kitchen, he found Martyn glaring at him.

“You got mail”, he said.

There was no point in denying it. Remus nodded.

“I thought you said you had no-one.”

“I don't”, Remus said evenly. “It's from a girl I met when I was looking for a job... I think she's got a thing for me. I'm not going to write her back,” he lied without blushing. Under his breath, he added, “Poor thing.”

He heard a low chuckle from Martyn and looked up, surprised. His housemate was actually laughing; it was a cruel, bleak, humourless laugh.

“Why didn't you stay with her, then? I suppose you would've made her very happy...”

For a moment, Remus almost felt like joining in with Martyn's sarcastic laugh, but then just gave a dark chuckle. “I just hope she forgets me.”

Which wasn't going to happen. Not after her Patronus had changed, not after everything that had happened.

He quickly decided to change the subject, to avoid having to make up more lies which he might not remember later. “So... were you ever... with someone?”

Martyn stopped laughing immediately; the smile dropped from his face, and he looked grim and bitter again. For a second, he didn't answer, then he quietly said, “Yes, I was.”

Remus waited patiently, watching Martyn, who seemed to be controlling his emotions very carefully.

“She lived here before you”, he finally said. “Until a few months ago... she was brave, and good, and she... she opposed Greyback openly. He doesn't like that, him... made her an example.”

It was the first time that Remus heard his housemate say more than a few short sentences; it was the first time that he could actually see something else than suspicion and bitterness on his face, which showed grief, and the slightest hint of anger.

“You don't mess with Fenrir Greyback”, he added softly. “It's suicide.”

It was late that night that Remus finally dared to send Avia back to Tonks with his short reply.

_Tonks,_

_I'm fine. Don't write. It's suspicious._

_R_

He took a moment to think about what Martyn had said.

_You don't mess with Fenrir Greyback. It's suicide._

Suicide - the word had such a sweet, familiar taste to it...

He wondered if he was going mad.

 

 

The first full moon came about two weeks after Remus had moved into the werewolf village. He had debated with himself for a long time whether to use Wolfsbane or not; he had a small flask of it - the last of the potion Sirius had brewed for him. In the end, he decided against it. Everyone in the village was a werewolf, and nobody would be drinking Wolfsbane; if he was going to be one of them, he should really start now.

He awoke at dawn somewhere in the forest surrounding the village; he was worse than he had ever been - apparently he had gotten into fights with other werewolves. It took him half the day to find his way back to the village; after that, he just stayed in his room for the next two days.

When he finally felt strong enough to go into the kitchen and eat something, he was surprised to find that Martyn had made breakfast for him; Remus had no idea where he had gotten cereal, but on second thought decided that he didn't want to know. Martyn looked considerably better than him.

“What happened?”

Martyn laughed darkly. “You didn't really just ask that, did you?”

Of course. Nobody would remember what had happened. The point of being with werewolves.

“It's always worst the first time”, Martyn said. “It gets better once the others get used to you, and once the hierarchy is established.”

“Hierarchy?” Remus looked up, puzzled. “You mean that we're actually behaving like a wolf pack?”

“Of course, we don't really know that”, Martyn answered. “But most people think it's like that. Alpha male and everything.”

Remus didn't answer, he just ate his cereal with even less appetite than before. He had never really thought about what it would be like to be with other werewolves as actual wolves. Of course, it was a reasonable assumption that there was some sort of hierarchy.

“Rumour has it we're having a visitor this week”, he heard Martyn say. “His Royal Highness, the alpha male of all, is coming to check that nobody is breeding a secret resistance... not that anybody would want to...”

“Really?”, Remus asked before he could stop himself. Martyn turned around and glared at him.

“You should behave yourself, John. Otherwise you'll be dead before you can even say 'resistance'”, he snapped.

Once again, Remus found himself wondering if that wouldn't be the best way to deal with everything. It would be so easy...

 

 

Remus had never actually seen Greyback in his human form, and he only had very vague memories of the wolf that had bitten him; but even when he wasn't transformed, Greyback bore a striking resemblance to the wolf inside him. An atmosphere of hostility and fear surrounded him, and Remus noticed how the other werewolves cowered before him, not daring to say more than two words.

“I don't know you”, Fenrir Greyback said when he looked at Remus.

“I'm John”, Remus said calmly. “I came here just a few weeks ago...” In an even, noncommittal voice, he told Greyback the story of why he was here; like Martyn, Greyback seemed to accept it without further doubt.

“You know who the Dark Lord is, I assume”, he said. Remus nodded; Greyback laughed at his frightened expression.

“Once he's in power, we won't need to live like this, John. We'll have it better. We'll be feared and respected...”

Remus nodded again, keeping the frightened expression on his face, knowing that it would seem suspicious if he didn't. He would have liked to straighten up, spit Voldemort's name into Greyback's face and tell him it was wrong, it was all wrong... nobody would have a better life, everything was just lies -

But that wasn't what he was here for. And it wouldn't help anyone if he told Greyback what he thought and was killed for it. It would relieve the pain - but Remus had not given up before. Ever. And he wasn't going to do so now, even if it involved playing a frightened, submissive outcast.

 

 

The next few months passed without anything too exciting happening. Remus slowly got used to the routine of the village. It wasn't chaos at all, but turned out to be a rather well organised net of trading food and clothes. There was even an inofficial mayor, who was simply there to solve conflicts if people couldn't solve them on their own. The village worked rather well for something that far from society, and strangely, Remus began to develop a liking for this way of life.

Like Martyn had predicted, the full moons began to get better. He still woke up somewhere in the forest and after his second experience of doing so, he began to explore the woods as a man so he wouldn't get lost again; but after the third or fourth time, his transformations weren't any worse than usual. He found out that he could easily spend days in his room without having to talk to anyone, and guessed from this that his absence would go unnoticed for a few days. For now, he didn't dare to leave, but he planned to visit the Weasleys for Christmas, and maybe Tonks, just to see how they were and what was going on.

Despite the fact that every werewolf could always easily tell what the moon phase was at any given time, the community didn't have any holidays. Nobody celebrated birthdays, Hallowe'en, or even Christmas; if Remus hadn't keep track of the dates, he wouldn't have known what day of the week or what month it was. It seemed unlikely that he would be missed.

Martyn was slowly beginning to warm up to him, and even trust him; though he still hadn't seen the other werewolf truly smile once, he appreciated his presence, and they would sometimes have animated discussions over meals. Remus discovered that Martyn, understandably, harboured a silent, festering hatred for Fenrir Greyback, but never had the courage to act on it; he also disagreed with Greyback's views on werewolves.

“We _are_ unnatural”, he said once. “There's no point in denying it. Normal people will never respect us, and they've got every to fear us. It's not even like we can do things better than others. We're just monsters once a month.”

Remus could tell that Martyn only felt safe to tell him things like this because he knew that Remus wasn't Greyback's biggest fan himself. He told Martyn only very little about his own beliefs, because they could be traced to the Order of the Phoenix far too easily; but he truthfully admitted that he would like to see more acceptance of werewolves in the general population, and that he thought Greyback's tactic of biting children and raising them away from society was cruel.

They never talked about Tonks, or Martyn's late lover, again; the topic of friendship and love was a sensitive one and Remus didn't like to be reminded of what he had lost, and what he had done to Tonks.

The weeks passed, and soon it was winter; one night, he sent a Patronus to Molly, asking whether he could come over for Christmas, and got a prompt reply back saying that she would be delighted. All this passed unnoticed, so that Remus Disapparated from the village on Christmas Eve, arriving at the Burrow just in time for the scrumptious Christmas dinner Molly had prepared. He remembered last year's Christmas, when Sirius had been alive and he had danced with Tonks... it had been the first occasion where he had noticed Tonks's affection for him.

Tonks wasn't there, but Harry, Hermione and Bill's fiancé Fleur were; overall, it was a really lovely night. He took the chance to tell Harry about his mission among the werewolves, which reminded him that he should probably see Dumbledore and tell him about his progress. At night, when everyone else had gone to bed, he asked Molly to borrow their owl and sent a letter to Dumbledore.

The answer arrived early in the morning, saying there would be an Order meeting after Christmas.

Christmas Day passed quickly but calmly; at lunch, Harry asked about Tonks.

“Her Patronus has changed”, he said. “At least, that's what Snape said. I didn't know that could happen.”

Remus took his time to chew and swallow the vegetables in his mouth while thinking of how he could explain to Harry that Tonks's Patronus had changed for a very simple reason.

“It can happen sometimes”, he said quietly. “A great shock - or an emotional upheaval...”

“It was big, and it had four legs”, Harry said. Remus's heart sank. Harry had seen him as a werewolf; what if he had recognised who Tonks's Patronus was?

He didn't seem to have, though. But before he could tell Remus about his guess, Molly jumped up; Percy and the Minister for Magic had arrived.

Remus watched the Minister carefully. Scrimgeour, Fudge's successor, was a little more able at being Minister than Fudge had been; nonetheless, he was a bureaucrat, and mostly interested in making the Ministry look good. Remus was slightly alarmed when he wanted to talk to Harry in private; Harry said it was okay, and seemed to be able to handle himself, for when they came back, Harry looked ever so slightly smug and Scrimgeour rather angry.

They held their Order meeting at Grimmauld Place, which had gone back to being uninhabited, but was still used as headquarters. It was the first time Remus went there after he'd moved out, and he found that it wasn't as uncomfortable and depressing as he'd thought. In fact, he almost liked coming here; it reminded him of the good times he and Sirius had had, of the little things that had made their relationship so special - it reminded him that Sirius had been alive rather than that he was dead, and even the screeching portrait of Sirius's mother couldn't smother the small feeling of comfort in his chest.

It was also the first time in months that he saw anyone from the Order again, not least of all Tonks, who seemed pale and thinner and still had brown hair. He tried not to look at her too much, and mostly directed his words at Dumbledore when he told them about what he had learned, the difficulties he faced, and the vague possibility of winning Martyn over for their cause.

“It won't be easy, though”, he said. “Greyback is known for killing anyone who opposes him, and everyone is afraid. I haven't managed to get much information out of them.”

“Good work, Remus”, Dumbledore said, tilting his head. “It's not like we've expected it to be easy, but this simple economy you've described is fascinating. Kingsley, have you heard anything else about the whereabouts of the Death Eaters?”

The conversation shifted to the followers of Voldemort, Voldemort himself, and the people that had been killed recently. The Order had lost a few good people - Remus hadn't heard about Emmeline Vance before; the news was quite shocking - but since the news was out that Voldemort was really back, more people were willing to fight. In fact, there were quite a lot of faces around the table in Grimmauld Place now that Remus hadn't seen before. It felt good; it felt like they actually had a chance.

He was actually sorry when the meeting was over, because it felt good to be amongst people again - people who cared about him, people who didn't suspect him, people that actually smiled once in a while. He lingered at the table when everyone got moving; he wasn't quite ready to return to the werewolf village yet.

“Remus?”

He turned. She was still here; the door closed behind Kingsley, and they were the last ones in the room.

“I'm sorry I couldn't write, Tonks”, he said, keeping his voice neutral. She waved his words aside.

“I know, I know. That's not what I wanted to ask.” It was strange, really, her brown hair and her serious expression - she hadn't smiled once during the Order meeting - reminded him painfully of the werewolves.

“I'm going to a ball on New Year's Eve with my parents. It's a sort of tradition, it's just a Muggle ball, and, well, I wondered if you wanted to come along.”

He looked at her for a moment, stunned. But before he could speak, she hastily added, “Just as a friend. I've always taken someone along. Please?”

He didn't really have to think long. He would be glad for another chance to escape the werewolves, and the thought of doing something with Tonks was nice - a lot nicer than he'd thought a few months ago.

“Just as friends?”, he asked. She nodded.

“Count me in”, he answered.

 

 

He returned to the werewolf village for the week until New Year's Eve and went back to the life he had had just three days ago; as he had predicted, nobody had noticed his absence. Everything seemed to be a little bit different, but Remus knew that the village hadn't changed, wouldn't change in years; it was him who was different after just two days of his old life, and he knew he missed it. He couldn't stay here forever.

He somehow managed not to let his impatience show as he waited for New Year's Eve to come. He would Apparate to Grimmauld Place, change into something more suitable, then meet Tonks at her parents' house. He remembered having New Year's parties with the Marauders at James's house, with home-built fireworks and a lot of alcohol - it had always been fun, even though Remus had usually been the one to half drag, half carry Sirius home... he had never been to a New Year's Ball before.

He decided that it was going to be good, that he wouldn't spoil it for Tonks or her parents or himself. They were just going there as friends, and as long as the topic of love didn't come up, he was perfectly fine with it.

Which didn't stop him from being a little nervous. He didn't even really know why. Maybe it was just the fact that he would be with people - with a lot of people - and none of them would be werewolves, and most of them wouldn't even be aware that there were wizards and that the most famous dark wizard of all time had returned more than a year ago. It would be peaceful.

The week was over soon and before he knew it, he found himself back at Grimmauld Place, entering his and Sirius's old room for the first time.

Everything looked just the way it had on the day Sirius had died. He remembered his lover's gentle touch, the sweetness of his lips, his roaring laughter, his steely grey eyes, the way his hair felt under Remus's hands... the photograph of them in their seventh year was still standing on the desk. It was slightly dusty, but none of it had faded - the colours, the emotions... Remus's eyes filled with tears as he saw his seventeen-year-old self smile up at seventeen-year-old Sirius.

_We could have had our forever..._

He pulled himself back into reality. He wasn't here to mope over the past, he was here to dress up for the date with Tonks. If you could even call it a date.

_Maybe it is,_ he mused.

When he arrived, Tonks was already there. She led him into the living room, where they sat on the sofa.

“Mum and Dad will be ready in a few minutes”, she said. Remus realised it was the first time they had been alone together for months. Tonks seemed to have noticed too, because she looked away from his face and frowned at the floor. Remus noticed that her hair was curly, and brighter than usual - him accepting her invitation seemed to have a positive effect on her abilities.

“I've been worried about you”, she said so quietly that Remus had a little difficulty understanding her. “I mean, with the werewolves and everything - nobody heard anything from you for ages - and then you come back and tell us that Greyback kills people for having an opinion...” She shuddered. “Please try to be safe, will you?”

“I'll try”, he said with a small smile. It felt weird, having someone worry about him that wasn't Sirius or his parents... but also good.

They didn't have a chance to talk any more, because that moment, Tonks's parents came bustling down and insisted that they left.

The ball took place in the assembly hall of a Muggle High School. There were many people there, and Remus could tell that most of them weren't wizards; many seemed to know Tonks and her parents, greeting Andromeda and Ted affectionately and shaking hands with Remus politely. He could see that there were some young men who eyed Tonks in a certain way; she looked stunning in her pale pink dress, but didn't seem to be aware of anyone but Remus. He didn't quite know whether he should be concerned or pleased with this, but he did feel a small surge of pride that, at least for this night, she was his and nobody else's.

There was a buffet set up at one end of the hall, and tables at the sides. Remus felt a little hungry, but before he could make is way up to the buffet, Tonks had taken his hand and dragged him onto the dance floor. A live band was playing a lively jig, and with relief, Remus saw a smile on Tonks's face as they began to dance. It seemed like the dance made her forget all her troubles for a moment - or was it the fact that he was with her?

He decided not to think about it, and concentrated on the dance. After the jig, the band played a polka, and soon Remus was out of breath. When the band finished the polka and started to play a slower waltz, he said, “I'm going to get something to drink.” Tonks nodded, and together they walked to the water dispenser.

After they had some water, Remus remembered that he was hungry. “Do you want to eat something?”

A clock on the wall caught his eye: it was almost half past eleven already. Tonks nodded and followed him to the buffet; after they had loaded their plates with salads and bread and finger food and some chocolate for Remus, they sat down at a vacant table overlooking the hall.

“It feels good to get some decent food once in a while”, Remus joked as he bit off a large chunk of bread. To think that something this simple could taste so good... it really took a few months of living amongst werewolves to appreciate the simple luxuries of normal life.

“What do you eat normally?”, Tonks asked curiously. Remus shot her a look, raising his eyebrows.

“You really don't want to know.”

She seemed almost her old self tonight, and Remus was grateful for that. He hated to see her suffer, especially if he was the reason, and he was glad that he had come along. While they ate, they talked about this and that, and before they knew it, the band played a loud fanfare, announcing the new year.

Remus had just finished eating, so he stood up and pulled Tonks into a hug. “Happy new year”, he said and smiled when he saw Andromeda and Ted come towards them.

While they hugged their daughter, Remus allowed himself to reflect quickly on the past year. it had started so well, he had been so happy... only to have everything ripped from him again. Most of the year, he had been worried about Tonks, grieving for Sirius, suspicious of the werewolves...

_This year is going to be better_ , he thought as he shook Ted's hand and gave Andromeda a hug.

Bottles of champagne were opened and even Remus, who didn't usually drink, accepted a glass. Tonks insisted on refilling his glass twice; she was becoming rather giggly and when he finally refused to have any more champagne, she pulled him onto the dancefloor again.

The band was playing a polka again, and Tonks and Remus whirled around the room, laughing and bumping into other couples as they did so. After the polka, they played a slow dance that Remus didn't recognise at once; he felt almost disappointed that they didn't get to hop around the room wildly, which was something that obviously made Tonks happy. Instead, they tried to dance in a more cultured fashion, right hands clasped together, her left hand on his shoulder, his hand on her waist. He noticed that he was rather drunk.

_From three glasses of champagne? Really, Remus?_ But he had never drunk much, and with a pang he remembered that it was less than a week to the full moon; he was always more susceptible to the effects of alcohol when the moon was getting stronger. Tonks seemed to be hardly better off; he noticed that her hair colour was fluctuating slowly from light brown to blonde. He bent down, and whispered into her ear, “You should try not to change your hair colour... you don't want the Muggles to ask why you arrived with brown hair and leave with blonde.”

She snickered a little and grinned up to him, moving just a tiny bit closer. Just at that moment, the band began to play a fast dance again, and once again Remus swirled Tonks around, leaving her slightly out of breath, but laughing.

He didn't realise how close they were getting until three dances later, when the band played a waltz and Tonks put her arms around him without even having to pull him closer. He didn't mind her touch and in turn hugged her too; her chin was resting on his shoulder, his cheek against her hair. They stayed like this for about half the dance, mildly swaying, not even in time with the music. Remus closed his eyes, feeling at peace, at home... and he didn't object when she stilled, cautiously pulled away just enough to look at him for a moment, and then touched his lips with hers.

Her soft mouth tasted sweet, of champagne and raspberries and something else he couldn't name, and for a long second, it felt as if he had waited for it, waited for this moment... her lips parted slightly, and he could feel her hands, pulling him closer, just a little closer...

It was then that it occurred to him that this was wrong.

He broke free of her, unable to grasp what had just happened, unable to put words to the emotions that boiled through him... for a long moment, he just looked at her. The music changed, but he didn't notice.

“Just friends, remember?”, he finally said. His voice was trembling slightly. He saw the mild disappointment in her eyes.

“I'm sorry”, she whispered.

“Don't be.” He didn't even know why he said that; he let go of Tonks, stumbled to the side of the hall, and sat down. The clock was showing him that it was high time he got back home.

Home, in this case, being a freezing, almost broken house with a grumpy housemate and hardly any food in it. Home being the werewolves, and the mission he had.

Strangely, he felt more at home now than he had ever been in that village; but he couldn't deny that he should leave.

Tonks had joined him silently, her eyes staring through the couples on the dancefloor. She looked hurt. And once again, Remus knew it was his fault.

“Nym... Tonks?”

She looked up.

“I have to go”, he said, working hard to keep his voice neutral, not to betray anything of what he was feeling. He wasn't even sure about what he was feeling.

She just nodded. “I'll see you around, I guess”, she said faintly.

_Or maybe not._ He felt guilty for even thinking that. Quickly, he got up and bent down to give her a fleeting kiss on the cheek, before he turned around and left the hall as fast as possible.

 

 

Minutes later, he had Apparated straight into his room in the werewolf village. The silence that greeted him was almost eerie. Nobody seemed to be celebrating the new year. Nobody even seemed to know.

Remus sat down on his bed, knowing well that he should get some sleep with the full moon just days away - but also knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep. Thoughts and images were racing through his head, and he knew that not even being drunk could excuse what he had done.

Well, technically, he thought drily, he hadn't done anything. Tonks had kissed _him_ , not the other way round... but he _had_ seen it coming, and he _had_ kissed her back... he had _enjoyed_ the kiss, for God's sake. There was no excuse for that.

He thought back to the summer, when Molly had questioned him about his feelings for Tonks.

_You don't think that maybe - one day - I mean, you like her too, don't you?_

The grief for Sirius had still been fresh and raw; it had consumed everything, every thought or emotion or possibility, and he would never have dreamed that something like this could happen, mere months after Sirius's death...

_Do I like her, though?_

He didn't even allow his thoughts to go there. Even if he returned her feelings (which he was still pretty sure he didn't), he could never be with her.

_I'm a werewolf. I'm at least twelve years older than her. She's far too good for me, she deserves someone better._ He thought of everything that could happen - now that he didn't get the Wolfsbane anymore, he could easily hurt her, even kill her...

Which, regardless of his feelings, regardless of _her_ feelings, was no risk he was willing to take.

 

 

Nobody in the wolf village seemed to have noticed the year passing; indeed, Martyn looked most surprised when Remus greeted him with a cheerful “Happy New Year” in the morning.

“Is it, already? What year again?”

“1997”, Remus answered, holding up his mask of a smile. He didn't feel like laughing at all, but Martyn didn't have to know that.

“I never notice time passing”, his fellow werewolf said grimly. “You seem to be in a good mood...” He helped himself to some fruit and looked at Remus questioningly.

“I've been thinking”, Remus said. “I thought I should maybe try to get a job again. I mean - this is fine and everything - but I can't live like this forever.”

It was not the whole truth. Of course Remus didn't want to stay here for a long time, and he had been thinking of trying to get a job again before Sirius had died. But in the lights of the events that had occurred last night, he knew he needed to talk to Tonks. And even though it had worked twice, he couldn't expect to disappear from the village for days unnoticed again. An alibi was needed.

Martyn roared with laughter. “You think you'll find something? Really, John, didn't you learn from your experience?” He chuckled grimly. “There are no jobs for werewolves. And you said so yourself. You've got nowhere else to go.”

“I'll find something”, Remus said, more confidently than he felt. “There are some things I haven't tried yet - some things I didn't think of last time -”

He was interrupted by Martyn's laughter again. “Good luck with that”, he said finally. “Do come around and tell me how you're doing - even though, on second thought - you'll be back anyway. Sooner rather than later.”

Remus couldn't help thinking that it was probably true; it would certainly be true if he really was the werewolf he pretended to be.

“I'll have to give it a shot”, he said. “I think I'll leave after the next full moon.”

As soon as he was sure Martyn wasn't looking, he sent his Patronus to Tonks.

_We need to talk. Are you free any time next week?_

Her answer came faster than he had thought; she must have been expecting a message from him. It was the first time that Remus had seen Tonks's new Patronus. Sure enough, it was a werewolf - a skinny, ill-looking, huge-eyed werewolf. It made Remus feel guilty again.

_I agree. Tuesday afternoon at my flat._

 

 

Full moon passed uneventfully, and he recovered just in time to visit Tonks, though he imagined he still looked pale and sickly when he arrived at her flat. And sure enough, when she opened the door and let him in, he could tell from her frown that she was worried about him. Again.

“You don't eat enough”, she said. “I've made some pasta, sit down -”

She was almost as mothering as Molly Weasley as she set down a plate with pasta and sauce in front of him, but he noticed that she was very careful not to touch him.

“So”, she said after helping herself to some food as well and sitting down opposite him. “You said we needed to talk.”

Remus swallowed slowly and looked at his plate, avoiding her eyes. It was difficult to do this, to hurt her again like this - but he knew that he had to.

“About what happened on New Year”, he began.

She said faintly, “Yes, that... I'm sorry, Remus. I shouldn't have... I was drinking...”

He looked up, causing her to fall silent immediately; she blushed.

“You didn't plan it, did you?”, he asked softly. The possibility had occurred to him, and he desperately wanted to believe that she hadn't. “I only want to hear you say it...”

She looked up again, her eyes holding his, shocked. “No, Remus”, she whispered. “No, I couldn't... I really didn't - not after what you told me - about - about Sirius and you...”

Hearing Sirius's name still hurt. But she was telling the truth, he was sure of it. It had just... happened.

“And what now?”, she asked, her voice thick with unshed tears and desperation.

Remus considered this for a moment.

“It's not like it could go anywhere”, he said finally. “I mean - I don't even know how I feel about you -” He could see a spark of hope in her eyes, which made him feel even worse.

“You know it wouldn't work. I'm a werewolf - just think of what I could do to you -”

“You wouldn't”, she whispered. “I know you, Remus, you couldn't hurt anyone...”

“You _don't_ know me!”, he hissed. “You've never seen me - you don't know what I'm like at the full moon - I'm a monster, Tonks, and that doesn't change just because you don't want it to be true!”

Her eyes were huge, and they were starting to fill with tears.

“I'm not putting you in danger. I'm not worth it. I mean, look at me -”, he hadn't had the chance to change when he came here from the werewolf village; his clothes were more ragged than ever, and every inch of them screamed that he was poor and an outcast of society. “Look at me”, he said again. “I'm so poor that I can't even afford decent clothes. I hardly have any skills worth mentioning... and I'm old, Tonks. You're what, twenty-three?”

“Twenty-two”, she breathed. A tear was silently rolling down her cheek.

“Twenty-two. You've got your whole life ahead of you... and I'm thirteen years older than you, I've been through hell - I lost everything - I'm an outcast, and I could be killed just for talking to you - you don't - you deserve so much better. I'm just not worth it.”

He sighed and buried his face in his hands. He hadn't meant to get so upset, but he was scared - scared of hurting the only person who meant something to him, the only one who could be close enough to him to get hurt... _Anything_ , he thought, _anything but that_.

“So...” Tonks's voice sounded a lot stronger than he had expected. He looked up; tears were still streaming down her face, but her eyes burned with a cold fury he had never seen before; it was the first time that he saw any resemblance to her aunt Bellatrix.

“I could understand when this was about Sirius”, she said. “I thought you didn't like me because I'm a woman - or that you just needed time - and now -” Her voice got shriller every second, and she seemed to fight hard for control. “And now - you're turning this into a matter of _principle_!”

“No”, he said helplessly, “no, that's not what -”

“What is it, then?”, she snapped. “What is this all about, if it's not about your stupid heroic werewolf principles?”

“It's about keeping you safe!”

“Same thing”, she growled.

“It's not -”

“It's the exact. Same. Thing”, she said, her voice shaking. He could see that she was losing her battle for control; her lips were trembling, and the tears rushed down her cheeks faster than ever.

“Tonks -”

“Get out”, she snarled.

Remus knew that every rule of decency told him to stay, to stay and comfort her and tell her that he hadn't meant it that way, and that he loved her (even though he didn't really know if he did), and that they could be together... but he also knew that he couldn't. He couldn't just pretend that everything was all right, because it was not. And would never be. She didn't understand - she was so young -

Without saying another word, he stood up and Disapparated out of her flat.

 

 

Martyn would expect him to be gone for a few days at least, so Remus didn't return to the werewolf village straight away. Instead, he went to Grimmauld Place.

Two days later, when Remus was already planning to go back to the village, an owl reached him. He recognised it immediately as Errol, the Weasley family's owl. He had a pretty good idea of what the letter was going to say even before he opened it.

Sure enough, he saw Molly's handwriting.

_Dear Remus,_

_Tonks tells us you're staying in London at the moment. Would you like to join us for dinner tonight?_

_Love, Molly_

So he was going to get the lecture at the Burrow, over a lovely dinner. _Tonks tells us..._ to her, Molly was probably a mixture of close friend and mother - of course, Tonks had her own mother, but Andromeda didn't know Remus as well as Molly did.

He knew he wasn't going to refuse an invitation to taste Molly's dinner, even if he had to face her accusations in the process, so he sent Errol back with his reply and patiently waited for the evening to come.

It was just Molly and Arthur this time; Charlie, Percy and the twins were living somewhere else by now, they had convinced Bill and Fleur to do something else for the evening (which, by the sound of it, hadn't been too hard), and the others had of course gone back to Hogwarts. Remus managed to hold off the inevitable for a while by asking about Hogwarts, saying he hadn't had a chance to talk to Harry or Ron in any detail, and Molly told him that Horace Slughorn was once again potions master, Severus Snape having filled the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts. Remus wondered whether that was an improvement from Umbridge; from what he knew, Snape liked to torture all non-Slytherin students in his classes, and of course he especially hated Harry - but at least he didn't make them write lines in their own blood. No, he decided, if he would have to decide between Snape and Umbridge, he would pick Snape anytime...

He had barely swallowed his last bit of ice-cream after the meal when Molly picked up the topic she wanted to discuss with him.

“So you visited Tonks on Tuesday”, she said. There was no point in denying it; she knew the answer anyway. Remus simply nodded.

“Not very gentlemanly of you, leaving her like that”, Molly continued accusingly. “She was beside herself - I've never seen her so upset -”

Remus didn't really feel like talking to Molly about Tonks, but he had to. “I suppose she told you the whole story”, he said, mildly annoyed.

Molly ignored him. “What were you thinking?!”, she snapped. “Shouting at her, then leaving her in that state?”

“I didn't shout at her!”, Remus said, trying to keep his voice calm. He was getting angry at Molly - what did she have to do with it? It was something between him and Tonks, and Molly should just mind her own business - at the same time, he knew that he was being unfair. Tonks had needed to talk, and Molly was just protective of her, just as she was protective of everyone else. He sighed.

“I just explained to her why it's not going to work - I didn't want to hurt her, but after what happened on New Year -” Arthur shot a glance at Molly, who was about to interrupt him, but didn't; Remus was glad for that.

“I didn't want to encourage her”, he said quietly. “It's impossible. There's so much that could go wrong - far too much that's in the way -”

“The only thing that's in the way is yourself, Remus”, Arthur said quietly, speaking for the first time since they'd finished eating. “If you would just accept yourself -”

“But I can't!”, Remus said, frustrated. “Not if it means that I could hurt her - I couldn't live with myself if I did anything to her - it's just not safe.”

“Do you realise”, Molly said, sounding a lot less aggressive now, “that you hurt her far more by rejecting her - for reasons she doesn't understand - than you ever could as a wolf?”

He stared at her, hardly believing his ears. Did she really think that? Did she really think that the passing pain of lost love was even comparable to the monthly agony he would have for the rest of his life? The everlasting madness of the full moon that he could pass on to her, if he let her come close enough?

“No”, he said bitterly. “You can't compare that. She'll get over me eventually... she has to. It's nothing permanent.”

“Do you really believe that?”, Molly said. “After her Patronus changing and everything? And even if that's true - you could at least try!” She seemed to be slightly taken aback by her own words, and added cautiously, “You like her too, don't you?”

He sighed again. Of course she would want to know. The only trouble was that he didn't know himself. Sirius's death was still to near for him...

“Even if I did”, he answered calmly, “there's no point in starting anything now. I still live with the werewolves, and will be for the foreseeable future...”

“It would be better than this”, Molly said.

Nothing Remus could say would convince them. He got up.

“I have to go”, he said curtly. “Thanks for the dinner - I'll see you around.”

 

 

“Do you remember that girl I told you about? The one I met before I came here?”

He was back at the werewolf village, and feeling the need to discuss the situation with someone, he had tentatively brought it up at breakfast. Martyn looked at him for a long moment.

“Yes, I remember”, he said. “Why?”

“Well, I saw her again”, Remus said nervously. “She's not forgotten me... and she still likes me far too much for her own good - for her it's actually quite serious.”

Martyn said nothing for a while, slowly eating his breakfast.

“You like her too?”, he finally said.

“I suppose”, Remus admitted. It was the first time that he had told anyone - for some reason, it was a lot easier to tell this to Martyn, who didn't know Tonks, who didn't know the whole situation.

“But I can't just go and start a relationship with her.”

Martyn raised an eyebrow.

“Of course you can't.”

Remus knew that this was Martyn's way of showing that he considered this topic closed. He wished he had someone to talk to... James, perhaps - Sirius wouldn't be the best choice in this case... but Remus knew that James's advice wouldn't have been very helpful - he knew what his friend would have said.

_Really, I don't understand your problem, Moony - she likes you, you like her, end of story! ... Come on, you're not going to harm her. It's not like you've ever really done anything to us -_

James wouldn't understand.

With a pang, Remus realised that it was Lily whom he missed most right now; she would have listened to him, she would have been sympathetic and understanding... Lily had been one of his closest friends, and she was always there for him, whether he needed someone to study Transfiguration with or someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on or someone who would just sit with him, in silence, simply keeping him company because Remus was scared of loneliness...

Lily had been the first to know of his crush on Sirius, back in their fourth year. He had been afraid to tell James or Peter, because he knew how judgemental they could be, but Lily had always accepted everyone the way they were, had always seen the good in people...

But he had no idea what Lily would tell him now, in this situation.

 

 

Two weeks later, he excused himself again from Martyn and went to visit Tonks again. He felt guilty about the way their last encounter had turned out and wanted to see if there was anything he could do for her - and he couldn't deny that some small part of him missed her, and wanted to see her...

She looked worse than ever when she opened the door, and this time, she didn't have a smile for him. She looked at him blankly, as if she had to remember where she had seen him, then stepped aside wordlessly to let him in.

“Tea?” Her voice was hoarse again, just like all those months ago when she had broken down in front of him.

“No, thanks”, he quickly answered. “I won't be staying long.”

She shot him an odd look, then went to sit on the sofa. Remus remained standing.

Once again, he didn't know what to say. To ask her how she was would be tactless, and he didn't want to tell her that he's missed her, or that he was sorry. He frowned; his shoes had suddenly become very interesting.

“I thought about what you said”, Tonks suddenly said. He looked up at her; her face was still strangely blank, but he could see a hint of determination in her eyes.

“And I've decided that it doesn't matter. Not that it ever did... but you should know.”

Remus waited, not saying anything.

“I hate to use her as an example, but my aunt Bellatrix married a man who is almost twenty years older than her.”

“But that was an arranged marriage, wasn't it?”

“No”, Tonks said. “Mum told me that Bellatrix was meant to marry Avery. Rodolphus was acceptable, too, because he was pure-blood - unlikely as it may seem, she married for love...”

“I don't see what this has to do with us.”

“And why”, she continued, apparently not having heard what he had said, “why do you think it should matter to me how much gold you have? If the Ministry wasn't such a bunch of idiots, you wouldn't be an outcast, you're perfectly normal - it's not your fault! And I don't believe you're dangerous. Maybe without the Wolfsbane - and even then, I'm willing to take that risk. I just want to be with you.”

She looked up to him, expectantly.

As touched as Remus was by her confession, he couldn't allow her to go any further. He shook his head.

“It's not that simple.”

It was her turn to frown; for a moment, he saw a flash of anger. “Then what's so complicated about it?”

She wouldn't understand. He sighed.

“I mean -” Her voice shook, and now she looked vulnerable, “You - don't you - feel the same way?”

He could tell that she had been longing to ask him this question for a long time, that she wanted to know, that she wanted a definite answer. That he only had two options: yes or no. He wouldn't be able to tell her that he wasn't sure about his feelings. Not this time.

He didn't want to tell her yes. But he didn't want to tell her no, either. He considered for a tiny moment, then he made his choice.

“No.”

She looked up at him, her face suddenly blank again.

“I mean -” He felt the need to explain, even though it had been at least half a lie. “You know. With - with Sirius - and everything...”

“Oh”, she said softly, just a little bit paler than usual. “I'm sorry. I... I thought...”

She fell silent again, and Remus, who thought she was going to cry again, was surprised to see how well-composed her face was. Slowly, he walked up to her and sat down on the sofa, next to her.

“I loved him,Nymphadora”, he said quietly, only vaguely aware that he had used her first name.

If she noticed, she didn't show it; she just looked at him with sadness in her eyes. “How long?”, she whispered.

“Ages”, Remus said with a sigh. “We got together in sixth year - and when he broke out of Azkaban...” It was so hard to remember that happiness...

“It must have been really difficult for you”, Tonks said.

“It was”, Remus said, grateful somehow. She didn't seem angry at him anymore - it seemed Molly had been right... she didn't understand his reasons, but she did understand that he had been in love with Sirius.

“You miss him”, she said. It wasn't a question.

For once, Remus didn't even have to lie.

“All the time.”

 

 

He took to visiting her almost every week now. Being with her felt good - and as long as he never stayed longer than maybe an hour or two, and kept going back to the werewolves, it didn't feel like a commitment. They didn't have a relationship, they were just friends.

It seemed that Tonks was more comfortable with this as well.

“It's better this way”, she said when he visited her for the second time. “At least we've got that cleared up... and I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. I need you, Remus.”

He knew from the look on her face that she wasn't being dramatic - she was honest. She meant every word.

They talked about this and that, sometimes about Sirius or his Marauder days, sometimes she told him about pranks she had pulled on other when she was at school - they would have made a marvellous team if she had been at school with the Marauders, Remus thought wistfully. From week to week, he could feel his fondness for her grow, until he couldn't fool himself any longer. He missed her terribly when he was at the werewolf village; he felt like he could be himself in her presence, and she was the last thing on his mind when he fell asleep at night. More and more, he found himself wishing that there was a way... any way that it could be possible... but he knew there wasn't.

Visiting her was almost like a routine by the beginning of March, and he could see that she was cheering up enormously; her hair went brighter, she smiled more often, and she looked healthier. He hoped that she would get over him, and hoped that she would come to him one day and tell him that she had found someone else - that she would, one day, be happy without him. He knew it would hurt him to see her with somebody else, but it would be a lot better than seeing her bleeding and dying after a full moon... which was an image that he saw every time he got too close to her, every time she laughed and he felt like something exploded inside him, every time she looked at him and he could read it in her eyes, read it so clearly that it was impossible to ignore... she loved him.

It couldn't be.

It was the full moon in the second week of March, and Remus visited Tonks only two days afterwards, tired, his limbs still hurting. She smiled at him when she opened the door, which made him almost forget his pain. She made him tea and sat next to him on the sofa.

“Tough night?”

Remus nodded and took a sip of his tea. “Those werewolves are quite fierce. They've long accepted me now, but it's still very harsh”, he said and closed his eyes. He knew that Tonks was looking at him, anxiously; he had a cut on his right cheek and no means of cleaning or bandaging it. After a moment, she stood up and came back with a small bowl of warm water, a cloth and a plaster.

It was a small wound, but it stung when she cleaned it. Yet Remus didn't wince. He was used to pain - and her touch was wonderful, almost like a dream. He opened his eyes when she took the cloth from his face, and saw her fiddling with the plaster.

“Don't”, he said quietly and held back her hands when she was about to apply the plaster to his cut. “They'll know.”

She was closer to him than she had been for weeks, and Remus knew that he wasn't the only one aware of that. After a moment, she nodded and put the plaster away, not looking at him. Remus knew his cheeks were burning.

“Thanks”, he said gently.

“Not at all”, she replied, still looking away from him.

“I mean everything”, he said. “You've been there for me... all this time when I was getting over Sirius...”

She looked at him, a small frown on her forehead.

“Do you mean to say you're over him now?”

“I suppose”, Remus said. He was tired; it was so warm in here, and he wasn't really paying attention to what he said anymore.

Her frown deepened. “What do you feel for me, then?”

Remus knew she wouldn't have dared to ask something like that a few weeks ago, but now the situations were different, and she wanted to know. She needed to know.

He was acutely aware of his burning cheeks, which he wouldn't be able to explain away by the heat.

“Too much”, he confessed.

It had been the wrong thing to say, he knew immediately. All colour drained from Tonks's face, even from her hair; within moments, she looked just as miserable as she had when he had come to visit her after New Year.

“And I thought...” Her voice was strained.

“The answer is still the same, though”, he said with difficulty. It was so much harder now, rejecting her.

She looked at him for a moment, then turned around.

“So is mine.”

He knew she was crying again, and he also knew he couldn't do anything about it. Feeling that he had outstayed his welcome, he swiftly stood up and left.

 

 

He didn't see her for weeks afterwards; he missed her terribly, but knew that it would do a lot more harm than good to visit her now. It had been a mistake to visit her directly after the full moon, he had been to tired to concentrate on what he was saying... and now she knew.

Now she knew that he was holding back only to protect her, not because he was still mourning Sirius. Now she knew that he was in love with her.

And it had undoubtedly destroyed their friendship.

He stayed in the werewolf village, told Martyn that his search for a job had been unsuccessful, and tried to live his life as a normal werewolf... it got harder; he didn't belong here. Once again, speaking up to Fenrir Greyback seemed like a good idea - at least it would all be over, at least he didn't have to deal with all this confusion and pain... but he didn't, maybe because somewhere, deep in his heart, he still had hope; hope that somehow, it might be possible...

Only a few weeks passed until he got her owl.

_Remus, are you okay? I heard things - Greyback attacking people - I need to know that you're all right! Please let me know as soon as possible!_

He sensed her panic behind every single word. Their friendship might be destroyed... her love for him was not. He knew that she was going crazy with fear, fear that he might be injured or dead... the same fear, he realised, that drove him away from her.

He had debated long and hard about whether to answer her. In the end, he decided against it and sent the owl back without any news from him; he knew it would only make her worry more, but it would be suspicious if he sent letters, now that he had supposedly broken off contact with society again, and he still thought that if she forgot him that would be best for her.

He got another note the next day, this time from Molly Weasley, saying almost the same thing as Tonks's had, and once again, he didn't answer.

The weeks crept along painfully slowly, April fading into May, and Remus still hadn't seen Tonks again. He missed her every day, and it got harder every day to stay away from her, but he forced himself to get on with his life, far away from her.

Even Martyn noticed that he was absent.

“It's that girl, isn't it?”, he said to Remus, who just nodded.

“Listen, John, you have to get her out of your head. It won't work. I know you're a dreamer and would like to get along with normal people, but it's just not possible, get it? We're too different from them.”

“I know”, Remus said. He didn't discuss it with Martyn again.

 

 

He arrived early for the Order meeting in June, but so did she.

She came into the house at Grimmauld Place only about five minutes after he did. He immediately knew it was her, even though he was in the kitchen and couldn't see her; the _clonk_ when she tripped over the troll leg umbrella stand and her swearing afterwards were characteristic. Moments later, she entered the kitchen and froze when she saw him.

For a moment, neither of them moved. Then she walked up to him and slapped him hard in the face.

“You moron”, she snapped. “You had me believing you were dead - I was so worried -” A moment later, she had thrown her arms around his neck and was sobbing into his shoulder.

“W-with Greyback a-attacking people and - and you s-said you could be k-killed for just s-speaking to me...”

“Shh”, he muttered and patted her back. “I'm here, I'm okay, it's all right -”

“No, it's not all right!” She lifted her head and glared at him. “Nothing's all right, Remus.” She began sobbing again.

“Why?”, she asked desperately.

Remus closed his eyes for a second and gently moved her to one of the chairs, sitting down next to her.

“I told you”, he said quietly. “It's too dangerous... and I'm not worth it, really.”

“I don't care”, she said grimly, “I thought I said that last time... it doesn't matter, because it doesn't change anything. I need you, Remus. And it seems we can't be friends...” She snorted softly. “We can be more, Remus, you know it. If you would stop fighting it...”

“No”, he said again. “I can't. You don't have any idea - it's just impossible, Tonks.”

“It wouldn't be if you -”

She was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, and fell silent. Remus was silent, too, as the other Order members filed in, ignoring Molly Weasley's accusing look and focusing on Dumbledore instead, who had something important to tell them.

 

 

Two weeks later, he was called to Hogwarts by means of Patronus. Dumbledore had left the school with Harry, and somehow while they were away, Death Eaters had managed to get in; the students and teachers didn't have to fight them off on their own. Bill Weasley, Tonks and Remus were there to help; nevertheless, it was a cruel fight, and Remus even spotted Greyback amongst the Death Eaters - he did his best to stay hidden, not to attract attention to himself, because he was almost certain that Greyback would recognise him. During the course of the fight, he attacked Bill, and Remus was the one who found him - badly injured, but alive. He volunteered to take him up to the hospital wing when the fight was over - he didn't know what had happened to the others, he was worried about Harry and the other students and Tonks - especially Tonks...

She came up to the hospital wing only moments after he did, and he saw from the look on her face that she had been worried sick about him, too. They didn't have the chance to say anything, because Madam Pomfrey was doing what she could for Bill, and only a few seconds later, Ron and Hermione came in, supporting Neville and followed by a Luna Lovegood.

“Ginny's getting Harry”, Hermione said, her voice sounding odd. “And the teachers are coming too...”

They sat in silence and waited. Remus could sense that something terrible hat happened, something that none of them had anticipated, but he didn't dare to speculate... Tonks was sitting next to him beside Bill's bed, her shoulder almost but not quite touching his...

Then the hospital wing doors opened and Ginny and Harry came in, holding hands. Remus wasn't really surprised by this; he got up anxiously as Hermione ran forward and hugged Harry.

“Are you all right?”

“Yes - I'm fine - how's Bill?”

Nobody answered; all faces turned to the oldest Weasley son, who was still tended to by Madam Pomfrey.

Then Ron asked how the bites would affect his brother.

“I don't think he will be a full werewolf”, Remus said. “He wasn't bitten at the full moon, after all... but these wounds are cursed, and he might be different - have some - wolfish characteristics...” He sensed Tonks looking at him.

Then Ginny said it, told the room about the horrible news that had been glooming all along.

“Dumbledore's dead.”

He felt as if the floor was pulled away from under his feet, as if the whole world had lost its balance - Dumbledore - no, that was impossible -

He could feel fear building up in his heart - if Dumbledore was dead, then there was nothing between them and Voldemort - he would be unchallenged, more powerful than ever, and everything would be worse than in the old days...

He hardly listened to Harry, who told them what had happened, but did hear when Harry said Snape had killed the headmaster.

_Snape... no... he trusted him - I trusted him - we thought he was on our side -_

With Tonks and the students, he gave Harry an overview of what had happened since Dumbledore had left the school.

Minutes later, the Weasleys arrived - Molly, Arthur, and Fleur. Remus got up from his chair next to Bill's bed to allow them to sit there, and could see Tonks do the same.

The same questions again - they were worried that Bill might be permanently damaged, and Remus told them the same thing he had told Ron before, before they also received the news of Dumbledore's death.

Molly didn't really seem to notice, though; she was far too worried about Bill.

“Of course, it doesn’t matter how he looks”, she said, sobbing. “It’s not r-really important... but he was a very handsome little b-boy... always very handsome... and he was g-going to be married!”

_Going to be?_ , Remus wondered, and by the looks of it, Fleur had asked herself the same question.

It lead to a short but fierce argument between Fleur and Molly, during which Fleur declared that she would still love Bill, no matter what he looked like... Remus avoided looking at Tonks. He could almost hear her thoughts - the situations were so similar -

And yet so different.

“You see”, she said suddenly. Loudly. Apparently, she didn't care that everyone was listening.

“She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She _doesn't care_!”

Remus was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed the particular emphasis on the last two words. He didn't meet her eyes, but looked around at the others.

“Bill won't be a full werewolf”, he said quietly. “It's different, it's completely -”

“But I don't care either!” She was almost screaming now. “I don't care - I've told you a million times -” She was shaking him; he could tell that she was angry, and desperate. Dumbledore's death seemed to have unlocked something in her.

“And I've told you a million times”, he answered just as quietly, still not looking at her, “that I'm too old for you - too poor - too dangerous...”

He looked around, at Molly and Arthur, who of course knew what was going on, and Harry, who seemed to understand - he had been worried about Tonks, too, it was hard to miss that she had been depressed all year...

“I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line with this, Remus”, Molly said. Her voice was gentle, as if she had forgotten to be angry with him.

“I'm not being ridiculous”, he said fiercely. “Tonks deserves somebody young and whole.”

“But she wants you”, Arthur said. “And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so.”

Remus looked at Bill, then at Arthur. He was feeling uncomfortable - Tonks had chosen the worst possible moment to openly declare her love for him; for the first time in months, he had dozens of other things on his mind.

“This - this isn't the time to discuss this”, he said with a small frown. “Dumbledore is dead...”

“Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world”, Minerva McGonagall said.

 

 

_A little more love..._

He was back at Grimmauld Place. It was almost dawn; Remus wasn't going to get any sleep this night. He was alone. He had Disapparated as soon as possible, but he knew that he couldn't run.

He was, once again, sitting in Sirius's room, thinking.

Dumbledore's death had changed many things, but not his feelings for Tonks, or his resolution that he had to keep her safe. No matter what Arthur or Molly or Minerva said...

“Remus?”

She had found him. Not that he had expected her to take long... this was a fairly obvious place to go...

She came into the room and sat next to him on the bed. Remus could tell she was looking around; a few seconds later, she took up the picture of Remus and Sirius in their seventh year.

“This is beautiful”, she said. Her voice was trembling.

At last, Remus looked at her.

“James took it”, he said.

She put it back onto the desk, then faced him silently. He took her hands in his.

“Do you know what I see every time we get too close to each other?”, he said softly. She shook her head.

“I see you”, he continued. “Injured... bleeding... dying... and I know that I did it, because I'm a monster.”

She wanted to say something, but he shook his head, indicating that she should let him speak.

“I want to be with you”, he continued, squeezing her hands a little bit. “I want that more than anything. But I can't. If anything would happen... I don't want to lose you.”

She had tears in her eyes now, and she raised her hand and caressed his cheek.

“I'll be careful”, she whispered. “Nothing's going to happen... we'll be careful...”

He didn't say anything, he just held her hand.

“You're not a monster, Remus”, she said. “You're the kindest, sweetest, most considerate man I've ever met. I love you. And I'm willing to take that risk - shouldn't that be enough?”

And finally, at long last, Remus started to believe her.

_It could be so easy..._

She was close to him, and he was still holding her hand, and she still had her other hand against his cheek.

“You're not afraid of me?”, he asked.

“Never”, she said with a smile. “I couldn't...”

Remus thought that she was probably the first woman who wasn't afraid of him; his mother had been scared, and even Lily, though she wouldn't admit it. Tonks was different, he could see it in her eyes. She trusted him completely, and she was just as stupidly reckless as Sirius...

That thought made him smile, and finally, he closed the gap between them and kissed her.

 

 

They went to the funeral together, a few days later; a few of the happiest days Remus could remember, and certainly the happiest days since Sirius's death... he wondered if Sirius would mind.

_As long as you're happy, Moony. After all, I did abandon you, right?_

No, Sirius wouldn't mind.

The war wasn't over; it was going to be harder, uglier, bloodier than before, but somehow Remus managed to be optimistic about the future, even though Dumbledore was dead. In just a few days, Tonks had managed to turn his whole attitude - the very thought that he had considered suicide only months ago seemed ridiculous.

He stayed with her all the time - her flat was small, but big enough for both of them, and they had been together for less than two weeks when she made a rather unexpected move.

“Will you marry me?”

He stared at her. “Are you serious?”

Tonks laughed. “No, I'm Tonks.”

He rolled his eyes, but smiled. “Don't you think it's a bit - soon, perhaps?”

“Look, Remus, I know we've only officially been together for a couple of weeks... but it was coming for ages, wasn't it? And I know you're the one. And with the war going on and everything... I just want to know that you'll stay with me, okay?”

To be honest, he had thought about it. From the moment he had heard Minerva's words that night, he had thought of living his entire life with her... however long that might be.

“I will stay with you”, he said quietly. “And I will marry you.”

It was probably a rash decision, influenced by the recent events and his happiness, but Remus found that he didn't care. It's going to be fine.

The next day, he returned for what he thought was the last time to the werewolf village, to get his things and move out. He had known that he needed to move out as soon as he had seen Greyback at the fight, and now he even had a reason.

“I'm getting married”, he told a confused and bewildered Martyn.

“Really, John? To that bird you mentioned the other day? Are you crazy?”

“Maybe”, he admitted with a smile. “But I'm happy... all the best, Martyn. It was an honour getting to know you.”

And for the first time, Martyn actually smiled - a genuine, friendly smile. It transformed his face, making him look younger, and handsome.

“I'm happy for you, John”, he said. “Just try not to mess it up, okay?”

“I won't”, Remus answered with a grin before leaving.

 

 

The wedding was a very small ceremony; the only ones who attended were the Weasleys, Andromeda, Ted, Kingsley, and Mad-Eye Moody. They were married by a grumpy Ministry official, who knew that Remus was a werewolf - the Ministry regulations stated that he had to tell them in the case of major life events - and seemed to be a little bit scared of him. This didn't keep him from conducting the traditional ceremony accurately, though.

“Do you, Nymphadora Tonks, take Remus John Lupin for your lawful wedded husband - to have and to hold from this day forwards, for better or for worse, to love and cherish, from this day forward, 'til death do you part?”

Tonks smiled. She looked stunning; she had selected a rather simple, colourful dress - she had said that white didn't suit her -, her hair was falling to her waist in only very slightly pink ringlets, and her eyes were of such a bright blue that Remus felt dizzy every time she looked at him. Which might not entirely be related to her eye colour, though.

“I do”, she said, her voice sounding happy and triumphant.

“Do you, Remus John Lupin, take Nymphadora Tonks for your lawful wedded wife - to have and to hold from this day forwards, for better or for worse, to love and cherish, from this day forward, 'til death do you part?”

For the briefest second, their eyes met. _Forever..._

“I do”, he said.


	5. Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics at the start of the chapter are from "By Your Side" by Lifehouse.

_All I want now is to be with you_

' _Cause you know I've been everywhere else_

_Looking back at what you got me through_

_You knew me better than I knew myself_

 

 

“How did you and Sirius get together?”

He could tell that she had been wanting to ask this for a long time. With a smile, he remembered his school days and slowly began to speak.

“Well, I fancied him ever since I was old enough to fancy anyone... that must have been in our third or fourth year and I had quite a hard time actually realising that what I felt was more than friendship - I liked him more than James or Peter, but for months I couldn't really name what I felt for him... then at the start of our fifth year Sirius came out to us. Said he was gay, and proud to be - I think it was just one more thing to separate him from his family. I - uh - took the opportunity to tell them that I was not exactly what you'd call straight, either. And ever since then, James was teasing us and telling us we should get together, but we were never sure about it - we were friends, after all, and something like that can really ruin a friendship...”

“They were fine with it, though?”, Tonks asked. “James and Peter, I mean.”

“Well, James was. He didn't have a problem with anyone as long as they weren't greasy black-haired Slytherins - I remember him saying: 'You didn't choose to be who you are, and there's no reason to like you any less because of that'. He was always like that... Peter, on the other hand - he didn't show it, but I could always tell that he had a problem with it. He didn't talk about it at all, and he got really fidgety when we did, and just liked to ignore the whole thing.

“Anyway - in our sixth year, I knew that I was really in love with Sirius, and I was almost sure he felt the same way. You see, he blushed every time James said we should be together, and sometimes he would take my hand and pull me close and grin at James and I was never sure if he meant it or not - Sirius always had a way of saying or doing things and you'd think he didn't mean it because he just was so playful about it but actually, he was serious... no pun intended”, he added as he saw Tonks smile.

“So one day in our history of magic lesson James started with that again and Sirius wrote an incredibly cheesy corny love letter to me and made sure that James read it. It was horrible”, Remus said with a fond smile on his lips. “I totally loved it... I've still got it somewhere - and after the lesson, we were alone in our dormitory and he came up to me and said, 'Remus, I just wanted you to know - I meant every word.'”

“And that's when you got together?”

“Yes, that was when we got together.”

He felt close to tears again. Remembering that brilliant day made him so happy - and then the sunshine was clouded over by the sudden realisation, harder than it had been for months... _He's dead._

Tonks saw it in his eyes. She knew him well. Without another word, she hugged him close to her and he buried his face in her shoulder - knowing that he was safe, knowing that he was home.

 

 

Only a few days later, they had to get Harry from his aunt and uncle's house to the Burrow, and Remus and Tonks had volunteered to protect him. This meant that they would be separated for the journey - Tonks would go with Ron, Remus would take George - and just after Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Mundungus and Fleur had turned into Harry, before they took off, Remus met Tonks's eyes. He saw his own emotion reflected in his wife's face.

The silent promise to survive. The silent promise to come back to each other. Remus had a bad feeling, it was almost as if he was expecting trouble - if there was a fight, it would be the first fight they faced as a couple, and he couldn't bear to lose her.

Neither of them spoke, but their promise was stronger than words.

The fight was short and nasty. The Death Eaters must have known that they were moving Harry that night, Remus even saw Voldemort himself - he flew as fast as he could, firing hexes and jinxes at Death Eaters, hate and disgust welling up in him as he saw Snape - who raised his wand - his words were drowned by the wind - but the next moment, George was hit, and Remus could feel him slipping. He would have loved to pay Snape back, but he had to keep George on his broom, so he only shot another Stunning Spell around, clutching George around the waist -

Then suddenly they were gone, and Remus knew that they had crossed the barrier. They were safe. He landed, supporting George, who had a gaping hole on the side of his head were his ear had been, and was losing far too much blood.

 _This isn't good..._ They were home, at the small house that he and Tonks had moved into, and Remus hurried inside to get the portkey. At least they weren't late - he hoped Tonks had made it, if everything went well, he would see her only seconds from now - he pulled George into a standing position, noticing that he had lost consciousness. The portkey began to glow, and a second later, they were at the Burrow.

Harry and Hagrid were there, as were Molly and Ginny, but nobody else had arrived. Remus forced himself not to think about Tonks and the others as they carried George inside, as he checked if Harry was an impostor - they had been betrayed, someone had betrayed them... Hermione and Kingsley were the next ones to arrive - no sign of Arthur and Fred, who should have been back, or Ron and Tonks... _What if something has happened..._ he stopped his thoughts. He wasn't going to think about it. Not until he knew for sure...

Moments became minutes, minutes became hours... it might have been an eternity until, finally, he saw a broom approaching; one of the fliers had bright pink hair - he felt relief flooding through him as they landed and Tonks stumbled into his arms.

“What kept you?”, he said, trying - and failing - to keep a hint of anger out of his voice. She'd promised - “What happened?”

“Bellatrix”, Tonks answered. “She wants me just as much as she wants Harry - she tried to kill me - I only wish I'd gotten her, I owe Bellatrix.”

Remus felt fury wash over him. Bellatrix had taken away Sirius from him - his eyes met Tonks's, and he knew she was thinking the same thing.

There were still people missing... Bill and Fleur and Mad-Eye and Mundungus... it subdued his happiness about having Tonks back, and finally, after hours, Bill and Fleur landed, telling them that Mundungus had Disapparated and Mad-Eye Moody was dead.

Remus left shortly after that to look for his body. It was a hard, unsuccessful search, and Remus could feel the sun rising far too soon; he and Bill had to abandon their search, and Remus finally went home, feeling sick and tired - the next day would be the full moon...

Tonks hadn't gotten any sleep either; she pretended to be awake and happy, but he could tell that she had been up all night, worried sick about him. Her hair was a little less colourful than usual and there was a tiny crease between her eyebrows.

He was alone for the day, because Tonks had to work. He knew that she had gotten Wolfsbane Potion for him, and he knew that she was going to stay with him when he had transformed, knowing that he was harmless. He had tried to discourage her from doing so, but she hadn't given in, and Remus knew that he was utterly grateful for that. Facing the moon alone was horrible... and he knew that she was right; he could never harm her.

She came home later than usual. He had already transformed under the influence of the Wolfsbane and was waiting for her; when she finally came into the house, she looked tired, but happy.

She ruffled his fur as she sat down. She had never seen him transformed before, but she didn't seem to be afraid or appalled. Remus could tell that she still saw him as Remus, the same Remus she loved.

“Can you understand me?”, she asked.

He gave a nod with his wolfish head. It was easy, being with her like this, it was almost easier than when he was human.

“Good”, she said softly.

There was something different about her, he thought. And it wasn't just because he was a wolf. She seemed to glow from within, as if something was making her incredibly happy... he hadn't expected her to be like this for a while; after all, Moody had just been killed a day ago and she had been close to him... there was something else going on.

“I have to tell you something”, she said.

Remus, whose thoughts were a little less human in spite of the Wolfsbane potion, couldn't think of anything that would explain her saying this and looking so happy at the same time. He simply looked at her, expectantly.

“I saw a Healer after work”, she said. “That's why I was late.”

He still couldn't see where she was going with this. Wolfish thoughts clouded his mind, and he had to focus hard to understand what she was saying.

“I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby.”

Her words cleared his mind immediately.

“What?”, he gasped - or rather, tried to gasp. The only sound he could produce was a startled yelp.

She looked at him with bright, glowing eyes.

“Yes, I know, isn't it _wonderful_?”

He had never been this shocked. Never in his life, not even when his friends had transformed into animals in front of him for the first time. He had never felt so happy and dismayed at the same time.

Happy, because it was the natural reaction. Happy, because he had always dreamed of having children - well, ever since Lily had had Harry, anyway. Happy and proud to become a father...

But, but everything. He was a werewolf, for Merlin's sake. Werewolves didn't have children. And even if they did... well, Remus had never heard of werewolves breeding before. He had no idea what would happen. More likely than not, the child would be a werewolf too.

 _It's all my fault_ , he thought, _I should never have let this happen..._

She was still looking at him. She was still beautiful and he still loved her, but he could feel guilt pressing down on him, he could feel his old doubt and self-hatred resurfacing... he was a monster, he had no right to be here, he was horrible for doing this to her -

He knew it would do no good to think about this now. He knew that she had planned this so he wouldn't be able to discuss it - she knew him well...

With a sigh that sounded like a soft wail, he put his wolfish head into her lap and let her caress him. He tried to let the happiness take over, he tried to be proud and joyful that she was having his child, but the worries were taking over rapidly.

“I'm going to bed”, Tonks said after a while. Remus noticed that even though she still looked happy, the crease on her forehead had appeared again - she could tell what he was thinking, even now that he was in his wolf form. “I've got to work early tomorrow...”

He followed her into the bedroom and paced forward and backward as she lay down.

“Stop it, Remus”, she mumbled after a while. “I can't sleep.”

So he sat down by the foot of the bed, watching his wife sleep... thinking.

 

 

The next morning, he fell asleep right after his transformation and didn't have a chance to talk to Tonks before she left for work, but he was wide awake when she came back in the evening. He had made dinner and was waiting for her.

He had thought a lot in the night and in the afternoon. He had turned the situation this way and that in his head, trying to see it from her perspective, from other peoples' perspective.

James would say, _“That's wonderful - wait till Lily hears! You've always been good with children...”_

Sirius would laugh at his fears and probably kiss him and say that he should be happy.

Molly would fuss over him and Tonks and ask if they had chosen names yet and offer them sweet advice.

Tonks... she was just happy. Everyone would be once they knew. Everyone was expecting him to be happy, too. Nobody would understand.

That was his problem. Nobody would understand.

But for once in his life, Remus thought that maybe it didn't matter. Maybe the baby was healthy, maybe everything would be all right... he couldn't stifle all his doubts. He still felt incredibly guilty for letting this happen.

But by the time Tonks came home, he had made a decision.

She came in, saw him sitting at the table with a grave expression and sat down opposite him, without even giving him a kiss. She looked slightly annoyed.

“I know what you're going to say”, she said.

“You're going to say, _we should never have let this happen. See what it's doing. You can't have a half-werewolf baby. You'll lose your job. And the child will be an outcast._ Look, Remus -”

“That's not what I was going to say”, he interrupted her softly.

She stared at him.

“What were you going to say, then?”

He smiled, and she visibly relaxed.

“I'm happy”, he answered. “Concerned and worried, yes, but I'm happy. And so are you, and so will be everyone else once they know. I've worried so much... all my life, I've let my fear dictate my life, but I'm not going to let it ruin this now.”

A small, doubtful smile spread over Tonks's face. She knew him well enough to know that he would probably give in to his fear at some point... he had obviously not convinced her.

“This baby means so much”, he continued. “It's a new beginning... our lives have been full of death and grief these past months and now there's life - the future - and hope, hope that it's going to get better. Maybe when our child is born, this war will be over and his - or her - world will be a much better place...”

She laughed lightly. “You're such a poet, Remus.” She leaned in and kissed him long and deeply.

After that, he knew she wasn't worried anymore. Remus himself found it very hard not to worry, though; he kept up his mask of a smile, pretended to be happy, but knew that his fears would take over soon enough.

They wanted to go to Harry's birthday party, but had to leave when they heard that Scrimgeour was coming. The Ministry had tightened anti-werewolf laws dramatically, and their presence wouldn't do anyone a favour; but they went to Bill and Fleur's wedding the next day.

It was wonderful, a huge contrast to their own, rather modest wedding; they were sitting next to each other, Tonks's head in his shoulder, holding hands. He felt at peace in that moment, as if nothing could disrupt it, and for a second even forgot the worries about his child...

This changed abruptly when Kingsley sent his Patronus after the ceremony, telling them that the Death Eaters were coming. All of a sudden, the whole world broke into the festively decorated marquee, bringing war and death and devastation with it - he stayed, of course, as long as he could, keeping as close to Tonks as possible, fighting off the Death Eaters and protecting the wedding guests -

It was a short fight, though; as soon as the Death Eaters realised that Harry Potter wasn't there (he had been there before, but Remus had caught a glimpse of him, Hermione and Ron Disapparating), they tried to get his whereabouts out of the Weasleys, but when they couldn't tell them, they left.

“We should go”, Tonks said. Remus noticed she was fidgety, looked far less happy than before, and glanced to the door more often than normal. “I'm sure they visited my parents as well - I want to check if they're all right -”

Remus put an arm around her shoulder. Of course they would check on Andromeda and Ted. Remus liked his in-laws a lot and would hate to see them hurt... they left immediately.

Only seconds later, they were facing their second fight today. He could hear the mad, hysterical laugh of Bellatrix and Andromeda's screams... she wasn't just torturing her sister for information...

He held Tonks close to him; he could feel her struggle. She wanted to get to her mother, see if her father was all right - she wanted to pay Bellatrix back, and Remus couldn't blame her, in a way, he wanted to take his revenge on Bellatrix as well, but it was no good if they stormed into the living room unthinkingly.

“Wait”, he whispered. “We'll go in together - stun her - your parents will be fine -”

She nodded; even in the dimly lit hall, Remus could see that she was white. They raised their wands, still holding hands, and stormed into the living room.

It was a short fight; Bellatrix laughed and jeered at them as they shot Impediment Jinxes and Stunning Spells at her - she dodged them easily. Remus could see Ted lying in a corner, unconscious, and Andromeda, tied to a chair by thick ropes, gasping.

“ _Crucio!_ ” Bellatrix flicked her wand at her sister almost lazily.

Andromeda screamed.

“ _Impedimenta!_ ”, Remus roared, and this time, the jinx met its target; Bellatrix froze, unable to move, and Andromeda stopped screaming and collapsed in her chair. Tonks hurried to her side; with a flick of her wand, the ropes fell down, and Remus could see them exchanging a few muttered words.

He was still pointing his wand at Bellatrix, unsure of what to do - the Ministry was under their control, so Azkaban wasn't an option - he should kill her - but he had never killed someone before, never -

She was slowly regaining her ability to move. She was laughing.

“Oh, look, the werewolf is too frightened to kill - how _ironic_ \- you married a coward, Dora...”

_Do it, now. She killed Sirius. She's going to kill Tonks and Andromeda without even thinking about it. Do it._

But he couldn't.

Bellatrix had stopped firing curses around; she was still laughing, looking from him to Tonks to Andromeda.

“So who do I kill first? My blood traitor sister, or the werewolf, or maybe -” Her eyes fixed on Tonks, whose hand was on her mother's shoulder; she met Bellatrix's eyes fearlessly, raising her wand.

“No!”

The scream surprised Remus. Without lowering his wand, he quickly looked at Andromeda, who had straightened up and pointed her own wand at her sister.

“You won't hurt my daughter”, she panted.

Remus had never really appreciated how powerful Andromeda was; she seemed to be more than a match for her sister, even though she was still weak from being tortured. Bellatrix didn't seem to anticipate the fierce attack; as Andromeda's curses sent her stumbling backwards, she shot a nasty look at her sister and Disapparated.

Tonks at once began to fuss about her mother; Remus could see that Andromeda was well cared for and made his way towards Ted. He felt for a pulse; Ted was alive, probably stunned.

“ _Rennervate._ ”

Ted blinked. Fear crossed his face for a moment, then he relaxed and looked around anxiously.

“Lie still”, Remus advised him.

“Dromeda...”, Ted moaned.

“She's all right. Nobody was hurt”, Remus said while he looked for injuries. Ted seemed to be fine; Remus helped him sit up. “What happened?”

“They were just here. Suddenly. Three Death Eaters -” Ted shuddered. “They used the Cruciatus, tried to get information out of us. But we didn't know where Harry went when he left here, so we couldn't tell them - one of them... Bellatrix -” He looked around wildly again, as if expecting to see his wife's sister still standing in the room. “She started to torture Dromeda and when I wanted to protect her, she stunned me.”

“It's all right, they're gone now”, Remus said. He threw a look at Tonks and Andromeda, who had their arms around each other. Seeing this small scene touched him, and he thought, _She's going to be fine without me..._

He shook his head to chase the thoughts away. He wasn't going anywhere... was he?

 

 

Bellatrix's face haunted his dreams that night, sometimes replaced by Ted Tonks, looking scared, or Andromeda, screaming. He woke up several times, drenched in sweat, and Bellatrix's words seemed to echo in his mind... _the werewolf is too frightened to kill - you married a coward, Dora..._

He had known that Bellatrix wanted to kill Tonks, he had known since that night when they had escorted the seven Harrys. He had never really understood why; if that hatred had always been there, Bellatrix would have killed her a lot sooner - Tonks had been injured in the Department of Mysteries...

But now he thought he knew why Bellatrix was so angry at her niece. It wasn't just that she was the daughter of her blood traitor sister. It wasn't just that she was in the Order. It wasn't that she was an Auror.

It was because she had married him. Because she had married a werewolf. The deepest possible shame brought upon the Black family, and she would have to die for it...

It was all his fault, he thought. Everything was his fault and if he had never allowed her to get this close to him, this wouldn't have happened. He was putting her in danger simply by being married to her - and now that she was pregnant... he didn't even want to think about what that would mean.

He knew he had promised Tonks to try. He had tried to be happy about the baby. But now he just saw Bellatrix, heard her cruel laughter, and once again saw Tonks lying on the ground, bleeding, dying... and even though he hadn't done it, it was his fault, all his fault...

He could not put her into that danger.

 

 

So he ran. He only left a piece of parchment on the bedside table with a few words on it.

_I can't stay. I'm putting you into danger. You'll be better off without me._

_I love you._

It was hard, running away. It was a lot harder than walking away from her like he had done all this past year; they were married, they lived together, and he loved her - loved her more than anything... but he had to protect her, and the best way of doing that was to leave, never to see her again, to make the world believe they'd split up, that their lives were separate now...

He knew she would suffer, he knew she would be in worse pain than before and he knew that it wasn't fair, doing this to her. But he would rather have her alive than constantly living in danger of being tortured and killed... she would be fine, she had her parents to care for her...

He had thought about where to go. There really was only one option - Grimmauld Place. If anyone was there, it would be Harry, and Remus wanted to talk to Harry anyway... he Apparated to the square in front of the former headquarters, and immediately knew that it had been a bad idea.

Death Eaters were looming in front of the house, even though they obviously couldn't see it; they were the only people in the street and by Apparating there, Remus attracted their attention. He had to Disapparate again; one of the Death Eaters - Remus recognised him as Yaxley - grabbed hold of his arm as he Disapparated. There was a short fight, Remus left Yaxley stunned and Disapparated again... he had to hide for the next days, while working on a plan.

He hadn't expected the Death Eaters to be at Grimmauld Place; but the Ministry knew that Sirius had left the house to Harry, so they were probably just checking it because it had a connection to Harry.

If he went there, he would have to be careful. He spent hours thinking of the right spot to Apparate to - you couldn't Apparate into the house directly, buf Remus thought that if he Apparated straight onto the front step, the Death Eaters might not see him...

So two days later, he tried again, and this time was successful at getting into the house. As he had predicted, Harry, Ron and Hermione were there; he told them everything he could about what had happened at the Burrow after they had left, and gave them the news that the Weasleys and Tonks's family were all right.

They discussed the recent changes in the Ministry - Harry was now sought for, with a massive prize on his head, and the Ministry had started to move against Muggle-borns - and in Hogwarts. Finally, Remus asked the question he had wanted to ask Harry ever since Dumbledore had died.

“The Order is under the impression that Dumbledore left you a mission.”

“Yes, he did”, Harry answered. “And Ron and Hermione are in on it and they're coming with me.”

“Can you tell me what that mission is?”

Harry shook his head. “I'm sorry, Remus, I can't.”

“I thought you'd say that”, Remus said, slightly disappointed. “But I might still be of some use to you. You know what I can do - I could come with you, just to help you and provide protection, and you don't have to tell me what it is you're doing.”

He could see that Harry was tempted, but before he could answer, Hermione cut in.

“What about Tonks?”

He wished she hadn't said that; he didn't want to explain, but he knew that Hermione wouldn't settle until he had made his motives clear.

“She'll be perfectly safe at her parents' house”, he said, carefully keeping any emotion out of his voice. The truth was, he missed her terribly. But he couldn't go back.

“Remus -”, Hermione said hesitantly. “Is everything all right - you know - between you and -”

“Everything is fine, thank you very much.”

He wished he didn't have to lie to them. Nothing was all right.

Finally, he made the decision... he might as well tell them the whole story.

“Tonks is going to have a baby”, he admitted.

Their reactions, as he had expected, were all happy and positive; they congratulated him, and Hermione looked positively excited. It made everything so much harder. He decided to change the topic again.

“So, do you accept my offer? Will three become four? I don't think Dumbledore would have disapproved -” He was improvising now. “After all, he appointed me your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher - and I believe we will be facing magic that many of us have ever encountered...”

Hermione and Ron looked at Harry.

“Just - just to be clear”, Harry said, uncertainty in his voice. “You want to leave Tonks at her parents' house and come with us?”

“She will be perfectly safe there”, Remus answered, getting slightly impatient. “Harry, I'm sure James would have wanted me to stick with you.”

He had hoped this would convince Harry, but he knew it was a lie. And Harry saw through it immediately.

“I'm pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you're not sticking with your own child.”

The atmosphere in the room changed perceptibly. Remus knew that he hardly had a chance of coming with them now. Not without explaining why he did what he did.

“You don't understand”, he finally forced himself to say.

“Explain, then”, Harry said.

“Well -” He swallowed. “I... I made a mistake in marrying Tonks. It was a rushed decision and I've regretted it very much ever since...”

“I see”, Harry said coldly. “So you're just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?”

Remus jumped up so quickly that his chair fell over. Harry didn't understand -

“Don't you see what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her! I've made her an outcast!”

_And it's my fault that she's hunted by Bellatrix Lestrange..._

“You've only seen me among the Order, or at Hogwarts, under Dumbledore's protection - you have no idea how most wizards view people like me! Once they know what I am, they can hardly talk to me!”

He wanted to tell them, he wanted to tell Harry every single humiliating law that prevented him from leading a normal life, he wanted to tell them about the werewolf village and Martyn's reaction when he had told him he was looking for a job -

“Don't you see what I've done? Even her own family is disgusted by the marriage - which parents would want their only daughter to marry a werewolf?”

He could see them again, the fear on Ted's face when he woke up after the battle...

“And the child - my kind doesn't usually breed! It will be like me, I'm convinced of it - and even if it's not - it will be better off, a thousand times so, without a father of whom it has to be ashamed!”

“Don't say that, Remus”, Hermione whispered. Remus could tell that she had tears in her eyes. “How could any child be ashamed of you?”

He was glad at her friendly words, but at the same time, he could still feel the shame rushing through him - _they don't understand -_

“Oh, I don't know, Hermione”, Harry said. His voice was even colder than before; he was standing, too. “I'd be pretty ashamed of him.”

To hear these words out of Harry's mouth was worse than being hit in the face. Remus felt all colour leaving his face.

“If the new regime thinks Muggle-borns are bad, what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father's in the order? My father died to protect my mother and me, and you think he'd tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?”

“How dare you”, Remus whispered, shaking with fury now. Harry didn't understand, he had no idea - Remus wasn't James, he couldn't just... “This - this isn't about a desire for danger or - or personal glory - how dare you suggest -”

“I think you're feeling a bit of a daredevil”, Harry threw at him. “You fancy stepping into Sirius's shoes.”

Sirius's name stood in the room, looming dangerously, coldly, and Remus would never have thought Harry would say something like this - after all, he knew what Sirius had meant to Remus, he knew - why did he say this -

“Harry, no”, Hermione begged. She seemed to notice that Remus was starting to lose his temper. She seemed to be sensitive to the fact that throwing Sirius's name into the room had only made the situation worse -

“I'd never have believed this”, Harry continued, ignoring Hermione. “The man who taught me how to fight Dementors. A _coward_.”

Remus reacted so fast that he almost surprised himself. A flick of his wand sent Harry flying backwards, and at the same time, he could hear Bellatrix's jeering - _You married a coward, Dora..._

He turned and left, ignoring Hermione's pleas to come back.

 

 

There was only one place he could go to now.

He had thought about it during the fight with Harry. He didn't like it, but what choice did he have?

So minutes later, he was back at the werewolf village.

Martyn obviously wasn't surprised to see him.

“So you came back, didn't you”, he said almost smugly. “Didn't work out, did it.”

Remus sighed. “Can I still stay here?”

“Of course. What happened?”

He thought he could detect a hint of concern in Martyn's voice, but he might have imagined it. It was strange, being back here.

“I got her pregnant”, he confessed. It wasn't as hard telling Martyn this as telling Harry and his friends - because Martyn would understand.

The werewolf laughed.

“Really, John? I thought you were intelligent!”

It didn't make anything better, but Remus could feel a smile pulling up the corners of his mouth. Somehow, it was great to see someone who didn't burst into congratulations, but someone who knew exactly what this meant to him.

“And so you left her.”

Remus nodded. “She's better off without me.”

Martyn gave him a long look, then vanished into his room.

 

 

It was easier than he'd expected, getting used to the werewolf way of living again. None of the other werewolves seemed surprised that he was back. None of them asked what had happened. They just kept living their lives as usual.

And even though it was strange, living this spartan way and waiting for the full moon without drinking Wolfsbane, Remus thought that it was better this way. He was safe here, and Tonks was safe without him.

He missed her every day, but he knew it was better this way.

The next full moon came and passed, and from the state he was in the next morning he deduced that the other werewolves still accepted him; he felt fine. He soon got used to Martyn's sarcasm again, and thought that this simple life was really the best he deserved.

But he noticed, about two months after he had come to the village (the second full moon had just passed), that something was wrong.

Word had reached the werewolves that Voldemort was in control of the Ministry, and that he was moving against Muggle-borns. Remus could tell that this was troubling the werewolves. If Voldemort was harsh against Muggle-borns, who, to most of the werewolves, were still completely normal people, how would his policy be against those who were outcasts? Remus heard rumours, whispers, things nobody dared to speak out loud... people seemed to doubt Greyback's promises that everything would be fine when Voldemort was in power.

And he could tell that the werewolves were pressured to choose sides. If they stayed, they would eventually be asked to serve Voldemort - something that would be risky and probably end in being killed. If they left, they had to run and hide. The village lost a member of its community every few days; they were never heard from again, and Remus had the unpleasant suspicion that they would be hunted down and killed by Greyback for disobedience.

He didn't talk about this with Martyn. He knew Martyn's attitude - he feared and hated Voldemort and Greyback, but he was far too afraid to do something about it. Martyn wouldn't leave unless he had no other choice.

Remus himself didn't know what to do. He would never serve Voldemort, but running again wasn't an option. There was nowhere he could go. He would just have to wait out and see what happened... but he couldn't see a future ahead. Every path he chose seemed to lead to almost certain death, whether by Voldemort's orders or by Greyback's revenge.

_Maybe it's better that way..._

For now, all he could to was wait.

 

 

The answer came to him unexpectedly. Remus discussed everything with Martyn for the first time; the full moon was only hours away.

“Of course people are nervous”, Martyn said. “If they go into the Dark Lord's service, they don't know what to expect. Most of these people are peaceful, they don't want to harm others, but the Dark Lord might make them do it.” He hesitated. “What are you going to do?”

“I think I'll stay here for now and just see what happens”, Remus said.

“That's going to be dangerous”, Martyn said. “We could be asked to kill any time - Greyback's been watching us closely...”

Remus looked up, slightly concerned. “Does he know I went away and came back?”

“Probably.”

The carelessness with which Martyn said this sent a chill down his spine. Martyn laughed at his reaction.

“There aren't many things you can keep hidden from the Dark Lord”, he said.

Something about his voice made Remus shiver. Martyn's eyes looked cold, colder than ice and for the first time, Remus felt a twinge of fear. He knew Martyn did not support Voldemort's ideas and wouldn't run over to him... but what if something had changed his mind?

“He knows you're here”, Martyn said darkly. “He knows that you ran away... you're not safe here, _Lupin_.”

Remus jumped.

Martyn did not know his name.

In less than a second, the pieces of the puzzle fell together. Martyn had betrayed him - a moment later, he had formed a plan.

Without saying another word to Martyn, he ran to his room. He didn't care about most things he brought here - except for one thing.

After a few seconds of frantic searching, he finally found it - the small flask. Over a year had passed since it had been sealed.

The last of the Wolfsbane potion Sirius had brewed for him.

He gulped it all down. He would have to be conscious when the moon took over, and he would have to run -

He ran into Martyn as he closed the door to his room.

“I'm leaving”, he said coldly.

“Hold on”, Martyn said.

He pulled up the sleeve of his left arm, revealing the Dark Mark.

“You didn't really believe you could keep your identity secret, did you?”, he said. “You're too trusting, John... it's over.”

“For you, maybe”, Remus said fiercely. “I'm not joining Voldemort!”

The Dark Mark on Martyn's arm flickered; for the briefest moment, it went white, before returning to its original dark red colour.

“They're coming”, Martyn said quietly. “Every time you say the name, they know where you are... it's been cursed.”

 _So that's how they found Harry in London_ , Remus thought. He could hear a faint _plop_ as people Apparated into the house; at the same time, he could feel the strength of the moon, pulling him into semiconsciousness as his limbs seared with the pain of his transformation; he saw Martyn transforming as well, and couldn't help feeling a small twinge of guilt towards the people who had just Apparated into a village full of transforming werewolves. As soon as the pain went away, he was running - running out of the house, knocking over a Death Eater while he could hear Martyn's howls - the Wolfsbane potion was taking effect, he could still feel himself as he ran -

He met a solid resistance in the village. Apparently, the other werewolves were determined not to let him leave. He had never been conscious at his transformations in the village, so the sight of about twenty werewolves that stood in his way was intimidating - but he needed to get out of here, even if he had to fight his way out -

He growled as he leaped towards them; he felt someone's teeth in his fur, and pain shooting up his leg, but he didn't stop running, handing out bites and scratches and in the end, he was free...

It was a cold night, the air stinging his wounds; he knew he would feel horrible tomorrow, but the wolf didn't experience pain as the human did; he could still run, and run faster, and he made use of the wolfish senses - he could hear and smell better - he could avoid being seen...

He ran and ran, he ran halfway though the night, and he knew the sun would rise soon... he needed to get to his destination as soon as possible... he had been wrong - there was still somewhere he could go -

Finally, he saw the house. It was isolated, with a big garden, and when he slowed down he could feel every muscle in his wolfish body aching; he had run for hours...

He curled up on the doormat, a harmless, injured wolf... only waiting, waiting for the sunrise, so he could finally come home.

 

 

The sun hadn't risen yet when he heard voices.

“Are you okay?”

“Sick.”

Someone moved in the house. Remus stayed where he was, only his ears moving towards the voices.

He could hear the steps, the rustling of the curtains as someone looked outside.

“It's still dark”, he heard the first voice say. There was a short pause, then suddenly: “Come here.” It sounded commanding, but gentle, and surprised... another pair of feet came along slowly.

“There's a werewolf lying in front of our house.”

He could feel the sun - it would rise any minute now, and he would be human again...

“He's come back!” Her whisper was barely audible, even to Remus's wolfish ears. He heard steps, hurrying to the door... it opened, and there she was. She dropped to her knees next to him, and he thought she looked terrible... tears were pouring from her eyes as she took his head into her hands.

“Remus”, Tonks wispered.

“Remus... you came back.”

Finally the sun was rising, and he found himself in her arms as he transformed; the pain got too intense to bear, and he collapsed into her embrace.

“We need to get him inside”, another voice said. Andromeda. He felt himself being lifted up, carried, then gently set down on the sofa... “Oh dear. He's hurt. Dora, can you get some water? I'll try to heal him -”

A few seconds later, someone was dabbing the particularly nasty cut on his arm with a handkerchief; he winced at the touch and groaned.

“Ssh.” A hand was at his cheek; he slowly opened his eyes to look at Tonks's face, inches from his own.

“I'm so sorry”, he whispered.

“What happened?”, she asked, gently stroking back his hair.

“I went back to the wolf village”, he murmured. His tongue felt heavy, and he could feel the pull of sleep... but he had to explain. “Martyn's a Death Eater - had to fight my way out of there...”

Tonks only looked mildly surprised at the news. “Well, we knew that the werewolves were sympathetic to Vol-”

“Don't!”

She stopped, looking at him questioningly. Her voice, almost saying the forbidden name, had chased all tiredness from him for a moment.

“Don't say the name”, he said.

“You've never been afraid to say his name”, Tonks said.

“It's not that”, he explained. “They've cursed the name, Martyn told me - they know whenever people use it, they know where they are.”

Tonks looked a little more shocked at these news. “We have to tell the Order”, she said. “Kingsley nearly got caught the other day - we've been wondering how they kept tracking us, almost all of us are on the run now...”

She took his hand and gave it a light squeeze.

“I'll inform them. You need to sleep.” She moved to stand up, but Remus held her back. There was something he needed to say, something he had wanted to say for three months...

“I love you”, he whispered. “I'm so sorry...”

A warm smile spread over her face. She bent down, her fingers tracing his cheekbone.

“You came back”, she whispered.

For an instant, she touched his lips with hers, then she stood up.

“Sleep, Remus.”

 

 

She was there when he woke up in the afternoon. His body was still aching, but he felt better now that he had slept for a while; he sat up gingerly, his eyes not leaving hers for a second.

It had been three months, and by now you could see that she was pregnant. Her hair was vivid pink again - he remembered vaguely that it had been brown in the morning... he still had that effect on her... he could feel the guilt, weighing heavily in his chest, the shame of leaving her alone, of breaking her heart again...

She could see it in his face. A small smile crept onto her lips.

“I wanted to be angry with you”, she said. “Mum was furious - and Molly - but I couldn't... I knew why you left.”

Warmth spread through him. He took her hand and closed his eyes.

“I should never have left you”, he said. “Harry was right - it was horrible - and I hurt you, again...”

“Harry?”, she said, puzzled. Of course - they hadn't heard, they didn't know that he had seen Harry.

“I went to Grimmauld Place after I left. They were there - him and Ron and Hermione”, he explained. “Harry was angry at me for leaving you, he shouted at me and called me a coward... he was right. I should never have left you.”

“Do you know where they are now?”

He could detect a hint of worry in her voice. He, too, had wondered many times.

“No”, he said. “They wouldn't tell me what they were up to. But if Harry was dead, we would know, it would be all over the news...”

This seemed to remind Tonks of something. She smiled and straightened up.

“Did you know that they set up a broadcast? It's called _Potterwatch_ , it's run by Lee Jordan and the twins and Kingsley has been helping them, you need a password to listen to it -” She got up and tapped her wand lightly at the wireless, which tuned in a moment later as she whispered a word to it.

“- say that he's been sighted near St Andrews over the weekend, so be careful if you're around there. Actually, you'll have to be careful wherever you are, and there's no telling if these sightings are actually genuine”, a voice said. Remus recognised it easily as Lee Jordan; he had commentated the Quidditch matches in Hogwards and had quite a characteristic voice. “In the meantime, many opposers stay hidden, and there hasn't been any news from the Boy Who Lived for a long time. We ourselves have had to move places at least three times during the past week, and there's still no news on how Death Eaters keep tracking us -”

“We have to tell them”, Remus said as Lee's voice babbled on. “They have to know, they're really brave, doing this and the least we can do is tell them how they can avoid being caught...”

“We're having an Order meeting tonight at the Burrow”, Tonks said. “In fact, we should leave soon, and you can tell them everything that's happened.”

Remus didn't particularly look forward to meeting Molly, but he did want to leave. It was about the only good thing that had come from his mission at the werewolf village... now he knew that Voldemort's name had been Tabooed, and that they had lost another person to the Death Eaters, but apart from that, his stay in the village had been useless at best...

The Order meeting was quiet, and Tonks somehow managed to keep Molly from going down on Remus; everyone was shocked at the news that Voldemort's name had been jinxed.

“It's so simple”, Arthur said. “And yet so brilliant. Of course they would be after anyone who dared to speak his name, because naturally it'd be one of us...”

Lee Jordan, who apart from running _Potterwatch_ was also a member of the Order, turned to Remus. “This is really good information, Remus”, he said. “And seeing as you were the last one to see Harry before he disappeared - would you be interested in coming to _Potterwatch_? Just to tell people that you're certain he's alive, and all that. It would mean a lot.”

 

 

He moved in with Tonks again, in the same small house that they'd had before he had run away. Remus had only been mildly surprised that she kept it.

“I guess I always hoped you'd come back”, she said simply when he asked her about it.

And she had been right. Remus had no intention of leaving her again. It was the middle of a war, all around them, people were dying, and yet Remus was so selfishly happy... it seemed so ironic. That night when Voldemort fell, when baby Harry defeated him, Remus had been miserable while the world had celebrated... now it seemed everyone else was miserable and Remus was, finally, happy.

Of course, Tonks was happy too. Remus had never seen her this happy, except maybe in the few weeks after their marriage and before he had run away. It had been worth it, coming back... even if it was just to see her like this, bubbly and colourful and wearing the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

Weeks passed and she got bigger and bigger and Remus still worried a little about the child. What if it was like him? But he managed to control his fear - he wasn't even sure if it would be a werewolf, and even if it was, it would have the best childhood his parents could give him... maybe, when it was born, this war would be over and they could enjoy their family life...

But the war went on and in March, when Tonks was so pregnant she could hardly move anymore, they heard of Ted's death. He had run away - Tonks cried for three days when she heard, and Remus could tell that it would have killed her if he hadn't been there.

 _I should never have left her - she needs me_ , he thought.

Only a few days later, they got news from Bill Weasley - apparently, Harry (who nobody had heard anything from for months) had come to take refuge with them. Remus debated whether he should go and visit him, but he couldn't leave his wife. He resolved to go to them as soon as the baby was born. He was eager to see Harry, and the news caused him to discuss something that had been on his mind for some time with Tonks.

“I think Harry should be godfather”, he told her one evening. She smiled up at him and nodded.

“That's a great idea, I can't think of anyone who'd be better”, she agreed. Remus relaxed - that she wouldn't agree had been his main concern. Harry was the last thing that remained of the Marauders... of course, he would have asked Sirius if he had still been around -

 _If Sirius was still alive, you wouldn't have this baby_ , a small voice inside his head reminded him. It was quite right - as much as he loved Tonks, he would never have left Sirius for her...

 

 

Tonks went into labour a few days later, and Remus Apparated to Andromeda's house with her as she had wanted to have her baby there. He stayed with her for the whole time, holding her hand as Andromeda tried to make everything as comfortable as possible and contacted a healer.

It was over a few hours later, and Remus couldn't really believe that this was really happening as he finally held a tiny baby boy in his arms. He seemed barely bigger than Remus's hands, his eyes were huge and of a curious dark blue and his hair was fine and dark. Remus knew that he loved him - his son...

“Look, Dora”, he whispered as he sat close to her. “It's a boy, and he looks just like you.”

Tonks was looking pale and exhausted but happy, and he could see the same love that he felt reflected in her eyes.

“No, he looks like you”, she whispered as she cradled the baby to her. “We should call him Ted - after my Dad - I wish...”

She fell silent, and Remus knew exactly what she was thinking. She wished that her father could be here, to witness this wonderful moment, and he was thinking the same, he was thinking of James and Lily and Sirius, how happy they would be for him, and his own parents who were long dead, who would be thrilled to have a grandson...

“Teddy”, he said. Teddy Lupin... his son. He felt happier than he had in years and kissed the top of Tonks's head as the healer came and took Teddy from her arms.

The healer measured the baby's length and weight and performed a few spells to see if he was healthy, while an enchanted quill scribbled noted on a notepad that hung in mid-air next to her. Finally, she looked up, took the baby and handed him back to Remus.

“He's healthy as a horse, no infections or hereditary diseases... no lycanthropy”, she added with a look at Remus; she was aware of his condition and the news came as a great relief to Remus, who still hadn't fully believed that his son would be healthy. But now, his happiness fully took over, and he felt a huge smile spread over his face.

Tonks saw it too, and she pecked him on the cheek and whispered, “It's all right, everything is all right. He will be the happiest baby the world has ever seen.”

Remus smiled and vowed secretly to do everything he could to make his son happy.

 

 

And he could think only of one thing that threatened his child's happiness.

The war.

While he spent as much time as possible with his family, he redoubled his efforts for the Order; every day, more people died and the Death Eaters gained more and more support and he knew that it had to stop.

And one day, Potterwatch got the news that Harry had come to Hogwarts; at the same time, everything suggested that Voldemort was leading an army there as well.

 

 

They received the call to fight at the same time, and for a few seconds, just stood looking at each other.

Then Remus made a decision.

“Stay with Teddy”, he said quietly and touched Tonks's cheek. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

He gathered his cloak and his wand and turned to leave.

“Remus?”

He knew her well enough by now to hear from her voice that she was scared; scared for him, scared of losing him. Slowly, he turned around and faced her.

“It will be all right, love. I promise”, he whispered. She threw her arms around him and he held her close to him for a long moment.

“I love you”, she murmured, and when she let go and looked at him, he saw tears in her eyes. It hurt, seeing her like this.

“I love you too”, he answered, kissed her gently and Disapparated to Hogsmeade.

 

 

The battle hadn't begun yet when he entered the castle through the Room of Requirement. He met others of the Order there - Molly and Arthur Weasley, Kingsley, Bill, Minerva McGonagall, even Aberforth Dumbledore - and prepared for the worst.

The fight broke out soon enough, and Remus was shocked by how outnumbered they were. Nonetheless, he managed to finish off a few Death Eaters before being attacked by Dolohov - he knew he had met his match, and wondered idly whether he would live to see the sunrise.

“Remus!”

He knew that voice, he knew it far too well. She had followed him. She never did as she was told. She wanted to fight by his side.

He sent a jinx towards Dolohov, momentarily distracting him, and turned around. His wife was standing not three meters from him, facing him. Quickly he grabbed her hand and pulled her behind a large rock that had been blasted out of the castle's foundations.

“You shouldn't have come!”, he whispered, holding both her hands in his.

“I had to”, she told him. “I couldn't just sit at home and wait for the news...”

For a second, they were both silent. Remus knew nothing would discourage Tonks from fighting now.

“Let's just... both try to survive”, he muttered, unable to tear his look from her eyes. She returned his gaze, graver than he had ever seen her before.

“Let's make it till morning”, she agreed, and leaned in to kiss him.

 

 

Moments later, he was fighting Dolohov again, while a shrill, taunting laughter beside him told him that Tonks was fighting her aunt Bellatrix.

Hot fury welled up inside him - Bellatrix had already killed his first lover; she wasn't going to take his wife, too. But he didn't have the chance to help Tonks, because Dolohov was attacking mercilessly; Remus was too busy staying alive himself to be able to help others. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a green flash, directed at Tonks -

Almost involuntarily, his head turned, as did hers. For the tiniest fraction of a second, their eyes met - hers full of fear and pain - then the curse hit her, and she collapsed to the ground.

_No..._

He managed to stumble sideways, getting closer to her. He had to know, he had to see - Dolohov's next curse made him fall to his knees beside her, and while he shot more jinxes at his opponent, his left hand searched for any sign of life - a breath, a heartbeat, anything - but there was nothing, absolutely nothing... _No!_

He barely managed to block Dolohov's next curse while his fingers found hers, clutching her lifeless hand.

 _I'm dying_ , he realised, and as soon as he had thought it, Dolohov's Killing Curse hit him squarely on the chest; he fell to the ground, still holding on to his wife's hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, my dear readers.  
> I hope you enjoyed it and didn't die from feels - I wrote this story a while ago and reread it now as I uploaded it here.  
> If you leave feedback I will love you forever!


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